WWYD over this friendship?

[Daisydroppedadumpling]

A really close and old friendship of mine ( 30 years) is on the wane. Apart from 'history' we don't have much in common now. I feel very sad about this but also hurt. We met when single at work.

I've been the one over the years to make the running ( we live 45 miles away) and her expectation was always that I'd call in to see her if I was in her city ( shopping etc etc.) She's now been almost passing my road weekly for 18 months, when she's around here on business and has only once suggested we meet- but still asks if I am going to be 'her way' at all. If I've asked her to call in there's always some pressing reason why she can't ( but it's always something that could be sorted with a little bit of planning on her part- she has no kids and hardly works.)
When she phones me- which is now and then- it's 'like old times' but really I am very cross that she puts so little effort into the friendship and I do wonder if she's going through the motions and is not really bothered any more. The truth is, I feel she doesn't need me any more- she has 2 close friends now in her road, another old friend in the same town and her parents are close by ( mine live at the other end of the country.)

I suppose I really feel she is just making a token effort to keep things ticking over and if that's how she feels I'd rather not bother. She's also changed a lot and TBH I'm not sure she is my type any more-our lives are so different now that we only have our past to keep us going. Is that enough?

I don't know.

I have a very old friendship which is sustained only by a card at Birthdays and Christmas.

My friend lives in the USA though.

I love her, I want her to be happy but I don't feel like I know her any more. Our lives are very different and we were FB friends for a while a few years ago but I hate FB and found it quite hard so I closed my account.

We knew each other from age 5 to 9. We're now 40. She is probably one of the nicest people I have ever known but still - I feel like it's kind of pointless sometimes?

Sorry, not much help but I get where you're at.

I'd be honest and bring up the fact it'd be nice if she popped in for a cuppa if she was driving past the end of the road. I had the same problem with my Mum and I let it rumble on until I exploded about it which obviously caused upset for us both. Just be honest and ask her. Life's too short

Sounds like time and distance have moved the friendship into a less close thing than it once was. I read a really good book on friendship by Shasta Nelson that talks about the "levels" of friendship and how different friendships can go up and down the scale which was really useful.
I would put the same amount of effort in as she is putting in - if that has dwindled to very little so be it - and concentrate on other friends/meeting new people

I guess Every Single Time she asks if you're going to be over her way at all, you could say 'no but you're welcome to call in when you're passing my place - when would be good for you?...' and leave it at that. There is absolutely no sense in you making a 45 mile journey to see someone who's in your area every week but doesn't call in.

Yes that makes sense.
The reason I haven't 'issued an invite' to her before was because when it was clear that she was passing this way on a weekly basis, I did say to her I didn't expect to see her weekly as I knew she may not have the time etc. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't rebuffing her, I was trying to take any pressure off her if she felt she 'ought' to drop by. But I thought I'd left the door open so she would offer to call in or meet up if she wanted to- her choice.
I'm also afraid of rejection. If she refuses to meet, and makes excuses, or does so under some kind of 'obligation' then it's not right, is it?
When the boot is on the other foot, and I've had reason to be in her city, I've taken the initiative and asked if she'd like to meet up. Sometimes she hasn't been able to and other times she has. Sometimes I haven't been able to either- but at least I tell her and say I can't meet as I have to get back home.
I suppose the difference is the balance. I'd usually see her if I am in her city - 9 times out of 10 I suggest it- whereas she never sees me when she's passing unless I make a point of asking outright.

She's recently had big problems in her marriage and IMO should have ended it, but she's chosen to stay and said one reason was their 25 year old history. To me that isn't a good enough reason, especially as they have argued for most of those 25 years! But it did make me start to think is that how she feels about me- keeping it going even though the fire's gone out.

I don't think the "drop by any time" thing works with some people. I'm a drop by any time kind of person and I constantly say this to my best friend who just isn't. She's single, no kids, she has a busy career and is the most organised person I know.

She also drives five minutes past my house twice a day but I probably only see her once a week. She has something on every night and every weekend day and even writes going to the supermarket in her diary.

I tend to live my life by calling friends and saying "H is home early, I can pop over for half an hour" or similar, but she's just not like that. I don't question our friendship though in the slightest, if she started cancelling arrangements and not replying to calls etc then I would wonder.

I think you should make a point of asking her. She probably can't believe how quickly the last 18 months have gone and she hasn't made it yet