Counselling after an affair

[Ergot]

I'm posting for help and support - we've had a terrible year, sick baby (in hospital most of his life) dh no work, etc (nc'ed for this).
I was at my wits end with sick baby - someone involved in her care took a particular interest in her, but he became very close to me and a very intense emotional affair developed between us. We've exchanged 1000's of texts, emails and photos. I attempted no contact but always ended up caving. No sex but it was going to happen if this continued. I went no contact again last week but in a definite way - he quite literally cannot reach me unless I contact him. I also told my husband, who I love more than anything, and he has supported me totally and loves me, despite my appalling behaviour.
My question is this - I have signed up for counselling, to find out why I did this and to help me not do it again. Can anyone who has been through this please help me by telling me what are the issues I should be focusing on? I have had the year from hell. Please don't flame me, I couldn't cope right at this minute but would love to hear some others stories.

Was there something you felt the other man was giving you that your dh wasn't? Just to say it is absolutely not appropriate to say "OM did this and you didn't." You should not mention the other man at all unless it is brought up by your dh.

Sorry that should be that it is not appropriate to say that to your dh. But it might help you if you think about what need the OM filled for you.

Do you have any resentment around your DH's lack of work. do you feel he could have done more?
Does this OM represent a 'whole' version of what your DH should have been in your eyes.

and a painful question - do you or your DH blame each other subconsciously or openly for your DC's condition?

Thanks Cailin, I should say I told my husband of my own behaviour, I take full responsibility for it and didn't mention OM did something he doesn't, it wasn't like I was comparing them in any way. I was physically separated from dh as i was in hospital, was distraught about baby, I was lonely and missing dh, I suppose the virtual company made me feel less alone, plus it started as professional advice re baby, then changed.

Must say - as you have stated this has nothing to do with your DH but may still be about your perception of his situation or availability at those crucial times.

I admire you for taking the steps and if anything the honesty in admitting where you have gone wrong. I think this will go a long way in repairing the fences that may have been damaged by this.

Thanks ofmice, I am finding his lack of work difficult as i am the breadwinner currently but it is no fault of his own, so no I don't resent him for it. Plus that will change as he is job hunting.
There is no blame re baby's condition, at all. It is something she was born with, and will outgrow, thankfully.

If it started as professional advice... someone in the medical profession?... then did they abuse their position by engaging in this? I think you've done the right thing cutting contact but wonder why you felt it necessary to tell your DH about any of it. That act seems less about exploring your own motives & taking responsibility and far more about punishing him. Sorry

I may be wrong but it sounds to me that you were in a very tough situation without much available support and the affair filled that gap. If om was a healthcare professional then getting involved with you was highly unethical on his part.

You must surely have some idea why you did it OP. Were you bored? Were you lonely? Was it opportunism? Did you simply find this guy more attractive than your husband? Did you fancy a shag? Was it one or more of these? Or something else?

Stressful situations can often bring two people together - you say this person was involved in your child's care. This has happened to me too. I changed jobs and found myself in an incredibly stressful situation and immediately bonded with someone and quickly developed a very intense emotional relationship. My husband found out and we had a very rocky few months. Nothing physical ever happened. I seem to have managed to step back from the brink, and whilst we are still very close, it is not at the intensity it was. I feel quite safe in terms of ensuring it will not be physical now and my husband has started to trust me again. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I would say it is not always necessary to go completely non-contact. If you can trust yourself and be open with your partner (which is hard!) you may be able to maintain a supportive relationship. I too had counselling and it was very helpful to talk through the issues and realise that it was not all my fault - the 'other' man bears some of the responsibility, as does my husband, for the problems we were having in our relationship. Hang on in there - it does get easier!

Maybe you have lost respect for your husband because he is not working.