Went to police station with DH

[delicatematter]

yesterday to see if he could see a nightingale officer as he has now left 7 messages and no one has returned them

The officer who originally dealt with him is on a 3 week course (no one told us that) and the only other nightingale officer available was a lady PC and DH didnt want to talk to her, he feels better talking to a man.

So we were given the option of waiting until 2nd week in july or try and find another PC, DH has chosen to wait until 09July as it was distressing having to tell the first PC everything that happened between him and uncle.

FIL has not phoned or been to see DH since he told him and we are being told that he is seeing uncle frequently and visiting, this is heartbreaking for DH who feels that his dad should be supporting him so he has decided not to contact his dad now and not tell him what he decides to do, dont know if i put on other thread but FIL asked DH to tell police to go round after 6pm when uncles girlfriend will be at work, have just found out also that FIL has borrowed money from uncle and girlfriend in last week so this is probably why he is avoiding DH.

REally feel for DH but he has to be strong now and not rely on his dad cos his dad isnt going to be there for him, it looks like

sorry that you have to go through all this with your dh. Hope you have your own support too.

and at your FIL's attitude to all this. I can't begin to imagine what your dh must be going through right now.

i cant stand him he,s a complete w*nker, i cant believe he,s doing this to DH.
DH is a broken man atm its so

I am so sorry your family is going through this. My Dh also was abandoned by his family when he needed them most (he had severe depression) and I have to say I have been astounded at how well he has dealt with it, it would have broken me.

I didn't see the original thread, but wanted to send you and your family some and hope that things turn around for you soon. You are all so very brave.

Thanks peachey,
here is my original thread

here

DH went to see his brother yesterday.
Nothing was mentioned but they obviousley know because his brothers girlfriend, said to him out of the blue "Do you know you are the spitting image of uncle"

DH said "no im f*ing not, dont say that"
She said "oh yes you are"

What a nasty thing to say, its obvious that his brothers know as his sister has probably told them but to say something like that is very nasty and insensitive.
DH doesnt look anything like his uncle he looks like his dad, i am so annoyed, all i can say is im glad that i wasnt there because i wouldnt have been able to keep quiet.

How awful! It sounds as if your DH's family in general are being very unhelpful, and in fact deliberately aggravating the situation for your DH.

It's very sad but it does seem as if in order to pursue this (which I think he is right to want to do) he may end up losing contact with a lot of his extended family .

what an awful thing for her to say. so awful, i'm surprised she DOES know. it's just too insensitive to contemplate otherwise.

so sorry you and your dh are getting no support from his family. not only does he have to deal with the past, and the police but this now too. he's so lucky he's got you. {{{hugs}}}

yes we think that she definately does know, this is what she is like, she would have said that hoping for DH to talk about the uncle.

We were both pregnant 3 years ago and i lost my baby when i was about 10weeks pg, everytime i saw her she went OTT about her pg, patting her belly and telling me how she didnt really want it but was going to have to get used to the idea etc, i havent been to see her since her 2nd child was born nearly 2 years ago as i think she,s a nasty and vindictive person.

Im just glad that i wasnt there when she said it.

she sounds AWFUL. quite right not seeing her again.

My inlaws are not very nice people im afraid to say, this isnt the first instance when anyone has backed up DH, my FIL cant be trusted especially with anything financial, a few years ago he got loans and forged DH signature for them, the police told DH to press charges but he wouldnt, he never ever comes to see the kids in fact its been nearly a year since he has been up and he only lives 10mins away.

I dont have anything to do with them, im polite on the rare occasion that he phones but thats it, considering the background that DH has come from its a miracle that he is the person he is and he,s a wonderful husband and father.

I know he,s really hurting atm and he is also taking it out on me which is really hard, im trying my best not to tell him what i think of his family but its hard when i see what his dad is doing to him.

As far as we know last weekend the uncle was round FIL,s and having drinks etc and FIL went to uncle,s house also.

wow. they sound awful. but you're quite right - it doesn't really help to run them down when he's struggling with so much. must be very hard to keep quiet though.

are you getting support from friends / your family?

yes my sister is being supportive , my mum... well thats another story she thinks i should just go along with inlaws and not "rock the boat" that FIL is a good man really and he,s not going to change so just accept him, but i cant, its one thing to accept someone for being my FIL but i cant accept what he,s doing and has done to DH.

I get most of my support oh here tbh.

DH got a phonecall from FIL last night.
"Howcome you havent been to visit for a couple of weeks?"

DH- "Ive been busy"
FIL- "Doing what"
DH- "getting rid of lots of rubbish from the house"
FIL- "What sort of rubbish, anything thats any good"
DH- "no"
FIL- "Go on what sort of rubbish"
DH- "Nothing that you would like"

FIL- "I saw uncle the other day, i just blanked him, do you know whats happening with the police?"
DH- "No"
FIL "right well, i dont have much to do with uncle you know"
DH- "oh right"

Cant believe the cheek if him, we are getting rid of lots of things from the house as we are putting our house up for sale soon, some will go on ebay and the rest to a charity shop, theres no way i will ever give FIL anything of mine, the last time i sent some baby clothes via him to DH brother and SIL and FIL sold them on a car boot sale, told BIL that they were sh*t and told us that BIL didnt want them.

DH knows that FIL is seeing a lot of uncle because his sister is telling him what is going on.

He has decided to play the police role in this down as the PC is on a course and not back until 9th July and then he,s going to get him to go round to his uncles.

Im hopping mad at FIL, he has no loyalty to DH at all.

So FIL is trying to glean information on behalf of uncle? is your dh very close to his sister? just wondering if she's got any political motivations in this...

your FIL sounds horrid. your dh is doing the right thing by not passing on any info. can you / he just not speak to him at all?

Your dh is a pretty strong guy to be able to do this
I hope he gets some sense of justice out of it.
Your FIl...
Words fail me

God, how devastating for you both. I've experienced something vaguely similar in my own family - won't go into detail - but I know what it's like to face that sort of contemptible disloyalty from someone who should back you up without question

Your dh is fortunate to have you on his side. My deepest respect and best wishes to you both. xxx

They are a very weird and strange family, if anyone gets anything new or is doing well they all slag the person off.

No DH isnt that close to his sister infact she.s caused a heck of a lot of trouble for both me and DH since we have been together, she probably isnt "on his side" as such but just sh*t stirring as she likes to do.

FIL- well, i dont know what to say about him all i can say is that he,s is a very dodgy charachter and not to be trusted, he hates me because i stood up to him about 5 years ago and refused to let him in my house for over 6 months he had to apologise to me in the end over something horrible that he,d said/done.
As for SIL, well where do i start?
Jealous, backstabbing, 2 faced, she is so jealous because me and DH are happy despite the hard family life that we have, we have 2 children with SN (ive probably outed myself now) both take up a lot of our time, my son she says is not part of the family and she does not acknowledge him or speak to him usually, she says we are making a fuss about nothing with our kids, she doesnt phone unless to stir, she doesnt visit and shes just nasty and vindictive, she cheats on her partner all the time and talks about it in front of him, she is horrible to her boys uses horrible swear words that begin with C and T to describe her sons.

Yet my mother thinks that i should put up with DH family because "he,s a good man really" (FIL)

DH is a wonderful man and father and its hard to accept that he has come from a family like he has, think of the programme "shameless" and you have his family summed up.

Just thinking... do you actually know that DH's sister is telling the truth? From your description they all sound as bad as each other so could it be that on this occasion your FIL is telling the truth and your SIL isn't?

DM - I just wanted to say hi and send you all my ((hugs)) - I've nothing much to add as its beyond my experience but I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you all, I am amazed at the resilience of your dh (and yourself) and would be gobsmacked at the lack of support from his family if I hadn't been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour from my own mother and sister (over something totally different) - I cant beleive how families can turn away when you need them most.
I think your dh sounds like one of the bravest people I have ever heard of and you are doing an amazing job supporting him through this - I take my hat off to you all.

yes she was telling the truth because DH also found out from his brother that uncle had been up to FIL,s house and FIL to his and i cant imagine his brother telling lies, his brother is usually ok.

Thanks harrisey for the supportive message and for everyone else, its really helping me talking on here because my own family arent really that interested-unfortunately

It just gets worse.
FIL phoned again last night, this is unheard of, he hardly ever phones and doesnt visit.

FIL " are you being funny with me?"
DH "no"
FIL " I think you are"
DH "Im not"
FIL "Why havent you been to our house?"
DH "Ive been busy, i work and have 2 SN kids"
FIL "Surely not busy all the time are you avoiding me?"
DH "What makes you think that?"
FIL "Nothing"
FIL "The police have been round to see uncle, he told me, he told me that he cant tell me what is wrong though"
What a blatant lie, The police havent been round the PC dealing with it is not back on duty until 9th July and his sergeant has told me and DH that he will be in touch with DH as to what DH wants him to say.
and also
FIL "Are you over this now, just get on with your life"

DH was tearful last night, i just said to him "you know im here for you no matter what and you dont have to put up with being spoken to like this, you are a grown man you dont owe FIL anything, dont let him talk to you like this"
DH says he,s not going to visit his family for a while, i want to punch FIL,s lights out, what a cruel and insensitive man, how can he lie about the policeman, thats to stop DH taking it further as he has "business dealings" with the uncle.
NO one from his family has been in touch, ask him how he is, his sister phoned at the weekend to tell him that FIL and uncle are all pally pally but DH thinks she did that to stir trouble as she too has told him to "get on with his life"

I'm truly at the attitude of your in-laws. I sincerely hope that they don't succeed in putting your dh off the idea of reporting his evil b*stard of an uncle. Thinking of you both. xx

it just gets worse! i think your dh is absolutely right - take a break from his poisonous family for a while. spend time with nice people who are happy when things go right and not trying to bring you down all the time. how about a weekend break somewhere? difficult with the kids, but perhaps staying somewhere near your family? just to have a breather and get perspective again?

DH wants us to book a holiday abroad somewhere maybe in autumn, we do need a holiday especially with all this going on, glad that someone agrees with me about the inlaws as my mum seems to think that me and DH shouldnt be "rocking the boat" regards the inlaws- where she gets her ideas from i dont know.