Desperately need advice from anyone who left DH/DP

[Rocklover]

I am not a singleton yet, but could really do with the advice of those who have been through it. My marriage is majorly in trouble at the moment due to big problems between us last year after our DD was born, my DH seems to have recovered, but after all the effort I made to keep us together something has just died inside me.

I am pretty sure I don't love him, I don't feel attracted to him and do not even feel comfortable being around him. I know we need to make more effort to go out together, but i don't know how much it will help as I have come to realise we have nothing in common. He doesn't know how I feel as it would do more harm than good to tell him, I really don't want to hurt him!

I am so terrified at the thought of leaving as I don't want to hurt anyone and I certainly don't want to ruin DD's life and I know from conversations with him he would be very hard to please when it comes to child access as he would prefer to be the main carer.

We have been together 8 yrs, married for 4 and this is the only serious relationship I have had and I really don't know what to do, even my parents think I should leave as I am so unhappy. Please can anyone tell me about their experiences or offer me some words of wisdom, I don't want to stay just because I feel too guilty to leave. The ultimate question is, how did you know that leaving was the right thing to do? I have to make a decision at some point or I will be retired before I actually start living again!!

I am so sorry for what you're going through, Rocklover. I haven't left my dh (but have seriously considered it from time to time!) Before you leave, could you & dh get some kind of counselling? Relate? I've heard there's a waiting list but my dh went to them to try and save his last marriage & he said they really helped him. Divorce & separation can be devastating for children (having had my parents divorce when I was 5, I know) but not the end of the world, obviously. It's hard to give you any real advice since I don't know you but certainly you musn't be unhappy. How do you see yourself without him?

As long as he is essentially a good man who has not been deliberately mean and/or abusive I would do the following:

Set yourself a six month time period, during which you go out socially as a couple once a week, separately once a week and attend counselling together once a week.

Will cost a fortune in babysitters but I think you owe it to your dd to at least to try and rediscover what made you get together in the first place.

If at the end of those six months nothing has changed, then leave, and don't feel guilty.

Why does it have to be so black and white? Could you not be suffering from pnd? That can switch off your emotions and even change your personality. You said your dd was born last year, did this crisis happen after she was born?

I'm sorry but I don't think that after 4 years of marriage you can just leave him at the first hurdle! I would give it a chance at least! You must have had things in common when you married him!

I would have a word with your GP to see about pnd. I would also be honest with your dh and suggest you both go to counselling. You will regret leaving him if you didn't at least try to make the marriage work. You can only know for sure that it's the right thing to do once you have explored all the other possibilities.

Rhubarb, I understand where you are coming from, but this is not the first hurdle, and if anyone had PND it was DH. He was moody and verbally abusive to me last year as he couldn't cope with having DD, the financial situation (I was too ill to work throughout the pregnancy) and his Dad is an alcoholic and they had a fist fight and mega problems. I tried to be as understanding as possible and to help him, but he refused to go to the GP as he will never take anti-ds or have counselling. I did everything for him, all the housework, cooking, looking after DD, walking on eggshells, getting PT jobs to help with money, but nothing was good enough.

We are currently staying with my parents as we could not afford our house and he now seems really relaxed about things, but I don't. He admits that he couldn't cope with DD last and that he was awful, but it doesn't help. I was pretty ill over Christmas due to the stress and after that we separated for a few weeks for me to have some space and relaxation. I am not doing this on purpose, but all the feelings I had have dried up. He is getting very twitchy where sex is concerned, but I cannot force myself to do that either.

I don't have any experience in this. You seem to have decided that you don't want to be with him. Maybe you need a longer separation then before.

If he doesn't want to go to relate,you can be seen on your own which may help you.

I think you should talk to him about how you feel.It's up to him if he takes what you say on board.

Who is your dd's main carer at the moment?

I am a stay at home Mum, but as we are living together I presume are both considered her full time carers. Heavenis, Cannot do another seperation as we are living with my parents, not practical.

I wouldn't say that I have decided, but last year took it's toll on me and I feel a bit battered and bruised. Maybe I will try and get some counselling, but will need a job as I cannot ask him to pay for it. At the moment I am having having major back treatment which is costing a packet. I don't want to just give up, but I cannot just pretend last year didn't happen, that is what DH wants.

He is being nice now, so why hasn't my love returned? I have a major guilty conscience and always blame myself for everything, even if rationally I know that can't be. This is why I am asking for advice, I am gathering from your replies that this is all pretty normal and I should just get over it and get on with it, that's the trouble with not having other relationships to compare it to.

Agree with the other posters - get some kind of counelling (alone or together - together better if poss) give it some time, then if you have tried everything and it hasn't worked - leave with a clear conscience.

You do need to work to get feelings back, particularly if someone has disappointed you or let you down. Whether or not he is willing to make the effort to change things will have a large bearing on whether you can get back the respect for him

Lol

Just be careful about dd. If you get a job and leave him as main carer, and then you decide to separate, you may find that the best you can achieve is some sort of shared parenting arrangement, at worst he might be parent with residence and you might only be contact parent. So tread carefully.

I can only get a part time job, DH would never give up his job as he is a teacher and the main wage earner.

The trouble is, his ideal relationship is no arguments...ever, I don't know how this will be viable. I have tried just not talking to him about anything and that seemed to work, but then he started getting all twitchy, saying why won't you tell me anything. It's funny, he is the worlds biggest moaner, but cannot stand anyone else doing the same. Suppose he is a typical man. Another thing is, I did desperately want another child and he wasn't keen, I have since lost all desire to have any more kids and he has decided he wants more, however I will stand firm as I am NEVER going through last year again!

I don't think you should just "get over it" but find a way to get through it and be happy with him again if possible. You MUST in the end be happy.

And yes, I do think this kind of stuff happens a lot,unfortunately. but in many cases it can be resolved. Great book is "Staying together - from crisis to commitment" by Relate. Saved me...

Ps he probably wants to pretend nothing has happened 'cos he feels bad about it - typical male response!

I hope it will work. There is another issue adding to this problem that I have posted about before...his personal hygiene. He doesn't clean his teeth every day and only has a shower about twice a week, this is also making it more difficult to feel attracted to him. I have brought this subject up with him many times, in different ways, nothing works, he just isn't interested. He likes looking smart for school (actually shaved the other day!!!!), but doesn't care about looking good for me.

I have recently made a big effort with myself, lost a bit of weight, bought some (long overdue) new clothes, had my hair done, even managed to get rid of my spots. I have started wearing make-up again etc mainly to make myself feel better, but if I can make an effort, why can't he?

The only way I see this working is if he is fully in the picture as to how you feel,and he wants to make the relationship work too.
He has to want to do the things for himself as much as for you. Does he have much self confidence.
Maybe you should write everything down for him so he can see in black and white what has gone wrong,what you think need to be done to put it right.(including the fact he doesn't shower and clean his teeth).

He has oodles of self confidence, he is one of the most confident people I have ever met and is very comfortable in his own skin. He is blind in oney, but apart from that doesn't seem to have any obvious worries about himself. He has difficulty with emotions at times because of his dad abusing him when drunk as a teenager, but that is it. He has a strange way of seeing the world, that's the only way I can put it. If I ever wrote down that he doesn't shower enough he would be really angry, as he says when I bring this up, he doesn't like being treated like a child. Even worse, he smokes and STILL won't clean his teeth as often as he should...eeewwww!!

Blin in one eye that should read, oops!!

So after your 8 year relationship do you think you will ever have things they way they used to be or similar.
Maybe it is time for a clean break. You say he would be angry but you have as much right to express what you feel as he does. Unfortunately we don't always like the truth.
If he never sees that he can be wrong then I think you are the one doing all the giving and therefore it unfair on you.

Started to write a really long post but it boils down to this: Him - nothing has been dealth with. You - waiting for it all to blow up again. Worth the risk?

I left because my son needed a better example of how people who love each other are supposed to behave, if he grew up thinking that was love he was going to be proper screwed up himself.

I sounds simple but it nearly killed me to do it but I am so much happier now.

Thanks for your wise words ladies. One thing I do worry about is that Dh gets VERY tetchy when he is ill/tired, which is alot and can be rude and abrupt. He pushes everyone else out and wallows in self pity. I do worry what example this will set for DD, if it was just once in a while it would be fine, but it is so often, even my parents have noticed and DH just doesn't get it. I also worry whether he will treat her the same as he treats the rest of us when she is older. Trvial yes, but added to many things it piles up. Plus we don't really have anything in common, we didn't when we met, but love is blind as they say. We can't talk about interests, e,g I love music and he isn't that bothered, could never go to a concert or anything with him. He is majorly into maths and likes anything logical/strategic (football esp) and I am so the opposite it's untrue. These things affect me as I would like him to be able to at least understand my passions. It just makes me sad when I think about it all, he is an OK bloke, but is so not on my wavelength and I am not on his.

Heavenis, meant to say, he does know he can be wrong, but it tends to take him a while to work it out. However the hygiene thing will never change, that is something I would have to live with, I already know this.

gross! I can't bear mossy teeth, bad breath, b.o. No wonder you don't want to have sex! Maybe you should do the same for awhile & see what happens!

Seriously, you sound misunderstood & v. unhappy. I get the feeling that you've put a lot of thought into this situation & given as much, if not more, than you can towards the relationship. Ultimately, it's up to you. Your dd will be better off if her mummy is happy, won't she?