Any advice on coping after h moves out?

[RollerCola]

H & I decided to separate back in July but for various reasons he hasn't moved out yet. It has been very strained & uncomfortable and finally he has sorted out somewhere to move to (goes next week)

While I've been desperate for him to leave, and I am 100% sure we are doing the right thing, I'm now having moments of panic about being on my own with my 2 children.

It's not loneliness I'm worried about, in fact I'm really looking forward to being able to do whatever I want without all his grumpiness etc. I think it's just things like 'what if the boiler breaks or there's a leak?' I'm completely fine with money, organising kids, etc but big house things make me a bit nervous.

I know I've relied on h to sort out things like this before so I just feel a bit out of my depth. I know (hopefully!) the house isn't going to suddenly fall down overnight but I do worry.

I'm also worried about how things will work out logistically once he's gone. How the kids will get to school if they're staying at his, that sort of thing.

I think it's just last minute panic. I know we'll all be fine once we're all settled but it's just finally becoming real & I'm nervous.

Any tips?

No tips as not done myself. However I'm at the stage where I think H has to go and we have to separate but I'm terrified of the same things you are. I think actually making the decision and going through with it is worse than the reality afterwards, if that makes sense. Anyway will watch this thread with interest......

My tip is to believe in yourself :) You have no idea how capable and resourceful you can be until you are put on the spot and having to make it happen. I remember being flummoxed by the lawnmower of all things when exH left... three years later I was organising a new bathroom and a house extension :) FWIW I delegate household repairs to a British Gas Coverplan and I get recommendations from friends and neighbours for other services

Women, I think, are like the keystone of an arch .... we're strongest when under pressure!

My best friend was in the same place as you and she asked for some good tips. The ones she said saved her in the first few months was to get to know your neighbours and don't be afraid to ask them to help with things - she had spiders removed, mains waters turned off and a car battery recharged. In return she has baked them cakes, looked after animals and willingly takes in parcels. The other one is find a reliable and recommended odd job person who when they come to sort things out don't mind teaching you so you can do them next time. For friend it was changing plugs, unblocking sinks etc etc. Hope this helps and in the words a Gloria Gaynor You will survive!

I'm just going to say that when you feel its over, the relief of them going far outweighs any problems that arise :)

Enjoy the peace.

You need to find a good handy man who will be able to pop round to do jobs like that for you and you pay by the hour. Always make sure you have some form of contingency for things like that. Ask around your neighbours for a recommendation.

Also, become good mates with your immediate neighbours if you are not already. Also, if you are not afraid to let people know, then let people know what has happened. My next door neighbours have been my lifeline since ExH left. They have done everything from giving me second-hand clothes, babysitting to providing a listening ear when needed. Also, I told school mums I am close to what has happened and the news do filter through... Now I get very kind offers of anything from helping with school runs to getting a free carbon monoxide monitor that I needed! BUT I am also very grateful for all their help and I make it known and that I am willing to return babysitting favours etc even on my days or nights off.

When your kids are with your H, I find the best thing to do is to detach and not think about what/how they are doing. You will have to trust your H is looking after them properly. That way, I also enjoy my evenings/days off a lot better. Best of luck! I find the best part of the separation (if there were to be a 'perk' as such) is just having the time now to do what I want, not dictated/determined by anyone else...

Thanks everyone. I know I'll be fine, I just want to feel confident enough that I can cope with ANYTHING that life throws at me & these sort of things make me a bit nervous.

I made a start the other day by removing a tarantula from my kitchen. I got it in a Tupperware box and everything. Both me & the kids were screaming & I thought it was going to actually eat me, but I did it! It now lives in the garden.

I can do it!

You can do it. The thing is you start small with tupperware and tarantulas and, as your confidence grows, you find you have reserves that you never knew existed. I guarantee you will never want to be reliant on a man ever again to the point where you are considering going on lecture tours warning women of the perils of dependency! Do you have DDs?

Yes I have one dd (11) and a ds (6). I'm very careful to talk to them about in as positive way as I can but I do worry about them.

I'm going to involve them both in as much as I can so they can learn how to do things at the same time as I am.

Youtube is pretty much as good as a husband these days - if there's any task you can't figure out, there's a youtube video showing you how to do it. And you can replay the bits you don't get the first time! I used one for connecting a temperature regulator to my kiln and I'm still bragging out how brilliant I am two years later.

I'll watch this too. My h is leaving next week. I have pushed for this but I'm very stressed and sad about it. True to form he seems normal and fine and unable to express any emotion.... I seem to be the one breaking down, but is suppose not unexpected given it has been me carrying the emotional burden to date...

I second the British Gas contact - I have it for boiler, plumbing and electrics. £20 mth and £70 call out. Last yr after my husband left the water tank in the loft decided to leak..... One phone call to BG all sorted - would have cost £500 otherwise. The biggest relief is that I can just ring them and not worry about if I am going to get ripped off etc. expensive but well worth it especially since heating is refusing to come on at the moment!!!

I also found it helpful to change our routines. So my husband use to come home at 6 and we would all have tea. I now have tea at different times or we might go swimming or a walk or even pop to Tesco for a cake to break that routine.

Friday nights the children and I have movie night with pizza in the lounge. Great fun and Again something we didn't do when Grump lived with us.

Sunday mornings if it is miserable we will go to the kids cinema for £2 child so again gets us out of the house and is cheap.

The only problem I have is I can't repair a puncture on the bikes. I physically can't get the tyres off so I save them for when the kids see their dad and he repairs them.

Also I have full AA for the car so I don't need to worry about that.

You will be fine .

Get yourself a cordless drill and one of those things that detects where pipes are in your wall. Very useful for putting up blinds, shelves and curtain poles. You tube any instructions you need. It may take you the entire weekend to do a curtain pole the first time cough but once you know how its easy.

Some things can be a struggle but oh my goodness, when you get over a hurdle it feels great :) thought I'd burst with pride the 1st time I mowed the lawn :) check out a thread in lone parents about single parent success stories....can't remember exact name. Pure inspiration! And yes, you can do it!!! :)

"Get yourself a cordless drill"

... actually, if you own a cordless drill, cordless screwdriver, a stepladder, a thingummy for getting the tops off jars and a few battery-powered accessories from Ann Summers .. your house can be very happily man-free for a long time :)

Kicked out my inept STBXH in June. Just unblocked my dirt drain. My first thought was to book someone but they were going to charge £95+VAT. So i put on some thick rubber gloves, grabbed an old curtain pole and just got stuck in! O have just worked 7 days sttaight and am frazzled with the kids and all the after school activities but am still thankful not to be living with a miserable emotional black hole any more.....You can do it!!!!!!

Handywoman I salute you! I'm mostly fine but keep having irrational fears that the house will suddenly fall apart as soon as he leaves. To be fair he's told me to ring him & he'll come straight round to sort it, and so has my dad. But I don't want to be a helpless woman - I want to be able to do it myself.

I need a crash course in home maintenance.

Youtube is pretty much as good as a husband these days !!