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Original poster

Trust

18 replies

Sleepingbunnies · 18/09/2013 11:46

Can you survive in a relationship where you think the trust is completely gone?

Can you learn to trust again or is it better to cut your losses?

I'm not talking about lack of trust throughinfidelity because that to me is a deal breaker.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2013 11:54

Well often written on here is; No trust = No relationship.

A little saying I found recently:-
Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

I really does depend why you no longer trust your P.

Only you know if it is something you can forgive and move past or if it is a deal breaker for you.

If you do choose to forgive and move on then you cannot keep bringing it up, unless it all starts again due to lies or what ever is wrong.

You know your boundaries, don't move them just to stay in a relationship.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 18/09/2013 12:03

This is going to seem like a pattern thing compared to some of the problems on here but iv caught him smoking again. It's not the smoking so much it's the lying to my fucking face about it.

We have 2 DDs. This isn't the first time he has lied about it. Last time I told him that if I caught him again that would be it.

I just don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 18/09/2013 12:08

Get it into perspective, I do agree that smoking is a disgusting habit but I'm assuming he's doing it outside of your home?

If he's addicted he'll find it very hard to give up.

Has he been a smoker for years?

You sound like his mother tbh, it's his life, his lungs, do you really feel you can impose your view on him like this - that's why he is sneaking about not telling you I'd imagine.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 18/09/2013 12:13

So we both quit when I found out I was pregnant with DD1 - 5 years ago now. The smoking isn't the only thing he's err lied about, he did lie about 2 big money issues.

I know I need perspective. Butt point is be has sat there and lied to my face? If he can do that about smoking what else can he do it about?

I know I need a slap with a wet fish but JUST TELL ME YOU ARE SMOKING!!! why lie???!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:16

I don't think so. There is a lot of poor human behaviour out there but the hardest one to live with is lying. Because you never know where you are with someone who lies. If they cant be trusted to be honest over a cigarette, you start wondering what else do they casually lie about to cover up? If, as the PP seems to be saying, he's a hardened smoker and can't give up... why couldn't he be honest about it rather than make false promises that he knew he couldn't keep?

If you've already threatened 'that would be it' btw... you really have to follow through. Lying is a poor behavioural trait but if you go back on threats all you're left with is contempt and disrespect.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 18/09/2013 12:19

That's the thing he seems to be able to stop and start.

I know I need to follow through. He is an amazing dad and to be honest a pretty brilliant partner all round except this :(

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 18/09/2013 12:27

Losing a lot of trust is a deal-breaker, so far as I'm concerned. I had this with an ex - he lied about everything. Also stole from me (a LOT of money). Tried 'gaslighting' me when I confronted him, too, but I wasn't falling for that (been there, learned my lesson). I threw him out.

OP, if it were just the smoking, I'd be advising you to let it go ... but the money issues you mention sound ominous.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:32

So you shouldn't have threatened because now you've not only lost the argument, you're in a very weak position. If you choose the liar, you live with the consequences sadly.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 18/09/2013 12:34

Money issues are completely resolved and I now completely deal with all financials.

What a mess. :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:36

So he's a 'brilliant partner' but only if you deal with all the grown-up stuff like money? A sort of pet, then...

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 12:37

Personally I wouldn't think well if someone can lie about having a crafty fag then what else do they lie about, I really don't see that in the same context as lying over something that actually matters. As I have said, his lungs, his health, his problem.

I do agree though that if he is also lying about other stuff then you clearly have a more serious problem going on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2013 12:55

If it doesn't matter, why lie? Hmm Why promise something knowing it's not going to happen? What's his motivation? Keep the old lady sweet for a few more weeks but ha-ha-ha, I'll get one over on you and I'll do as I please..... That's the trouble with a 'crafty fag'.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 12:59

I really don't think his intention was to get one over on the OP or I'll do as I please. As an ex smoker I can tell you it's fricken hard to cut down never mind stop and he won't be the first person to have a crafty fag - we've all been there I'm afraid.

It's the other stuff I'd be more concerned about.

ownbrand · 18/09/2013 13:04

Lies over money isnt good. But the smoking thing , not so much. Its his choice and its impossible to make someone do something they dont want to do.

Original poster
Sleepingbunnies · 18/09/2013 13:08

I have to go to get our DD from school but will be back later :(

OP posts:
str8tothepoint · 18/09/2013 19:09

so he smokes now and again, sorry but get over it and stop being so petty. if he's hiding it it's cos he know you'll be harsh on him when if thats what he needs to release stress then let him, would you rather him smoke or do other things, come on hun, look at him for the amazing dad you said he is stop picking on little things that bug you, we aren't all perfect

Boosterseat · 18/09/2013 19:20

lies are shit aren't they - and repeated lies just chip and chip away at you and you end up losing respect.

No other advice really, but please do me a favour ask him to buy an electronic cigarette.

Nearly a year now smoke free for me and the 4 other smokers in my workplace have all moved on and been smoke free for 3 months or more!

I know that doesn't help with the lies though.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/09/2013 19:21

XH used to stand by the garage reeking of smoke, with a still-hot butt at his feet, swearing blind he hadn't touched a cigar in weeks. All those other ones round his feet were old, of course Hmm It's so bloody disrespectful. I didn't leave him over that, but it was one of the things I was really glad to not have to try and ignore/forgive any more when I did leave. It's not as if I was ever pushy about the giving up - I told him straight, if he finds it difficult to give up I understand completely - but he would keep insisting that of course he hadn't had one and I must be paranoid, so it built up into a real issue. He actually stood there one time with a lit one held behind his back, still saying I must be imagining the smell. Not like he was teasing - like he really expected me to believe it. Infuriating.

Ooh, I'm having a bad reminiscence night tonight, I should log off and do something else Angry

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