I have NC'd for this - well, created a new account because I couldn't figure out how to do it. I'm a regular lurker, occasional poster have been here for 18 months. I've always admired the honesty of the advice given here, and now I need some help please.
To give some background info, DH and I have been married 12 years, together for 16. We have 4 DCs aged 10 and under. I had PND after the first DC, it was a very difficult time where I was pretty sure that I didn't want to be with DH but as the tiredness eased and our very demanding toddler grew, the feelings came back. We have been OK ever since.
For the last year though, things have steadily gone downhill again. We have a demanding, active toddler and the sleepless nights that go with that. I'm not sure if this low phase of our relationship is caused by that, or if we have just come to the end of the line.
This is where I may go off on a tangent, because I am utterly confused by my feelings.
The last week or so I have been questioning my own sanity, and then I feel really angry that we have got to the point where I am wondering if I have depression, if I'm actually bipolar or something and I need proper psych assessment, and then I come back to thinking that actually I'm OK and how dare you make my life so fucking impossible that I am questioning my own mental health!
DH works long hours in a senior management position. I am currently a SAHM but going back to work; I was made redundant recently and have just got another job. We do need the money, his wages cover all the basics but we'd planned to save to go on holiday etc and that's what my wage will cover. I am absolutely terrified about going back. He knows this, and I think he should be trying to reassure me - for instance last night he strolled in from work over an hour late. I was starting to worry, he usually texts or emails so I know that he's not home at the usual time. He breezed in right on the DCs bedtime as though nothing unusual had happened, said he 'didn't think' to text and couldn't see the problem. The problem is that I will be returning to work twilight shifts (6 or 7pm until 1am) and I just don't see how I am expected to do that a) with a DH who swans in the door at whatever time he pleases (and expects a meal ready for him) and b) already exhausted through lack of sleep at nights (he doesn't help much), and having done the maddest part of the day with DCs alone.
I often feel that I would be better off alone. Having DH around is more work, emotionally and physically. I'm fed up of hoping for help and support and then feeling disappointed when it doesn't happen. If I knew I was facing life on my own, then I'd just get on with it rather than constantly feeling let down by the one person who is supposed to be there.
I've thought about ending the relationship, but it would destroy my DCs. I can't put them through that heartache. I've thought about Relate, or some marriage counselling but I don't know how we'd ever actually get there because DH is always at work, and we have no family support for babysitters in the evening.
Something has changed in our relationship, and I'm not sure what. I don't even know if I've got the energy to fight for it anymore. I'm sick of being the only one who appears to be trying to make this work.
Sorry its so long.