Online dating

[Dearjackie]

I have had a brief go at online dating. I don't know how others have found it but its very frustrating and feels a bit like a meat market to me. Maybe it's just I'm not in the right state of mind having broken up with someone in the not too distant past

Basically I've had lots of people look at my profile only about 5 send emails. I had 1 date who asked for a second date swapped numbers then 2 days later text to say he was going ahead with a relationship with someone else. Since then I've had 3 people reply to emails to say they are starting a relationship with other people. I'm seriously thinking what is wrong with me? Is this normal for these sites? I've never done it before

I'm starting to feel a bit rejected actually

Hi Dearjackie, my advice is treat these sites as a hobby, dont take them to heart too much, and who knows? There are many people who meet their partners this way. Dont know your age, but as we get older it gets harder to meet potential partners the usual way, its easier (and cheaper) than standing around in bars! Also, some sites are better than others, try browsing a few others. Good luck.

It's match and I'm 48 so yes it is difficult to meet people. It just seems that everyone I've spoken to has met someone else, either that or their using it as an excuse to let me down. I'm still feeling a bit sensitive I think from my relationship breakdown

Sounds quite normal for a site. In fact it's good that they said they had met someone as often they can carry on with multiple dates of which you are but one regardless of being in relationships already. They must have been the honest ones. To keep up with OD you need to be tough enough to accept it when miss out just due to timing, ie someone else got them first.That's just bad luck and life. Also, self-esteem needs to be high enough as there will be the odd knock-back. Unless strong enough mentally it can get depressing for some.
I remember once getting shirty mail from someone as it took me too long to reply to have coffee. Excuse me for working for a living lol! Suspicion is rife too. Really, can't be doing with it all these days. Far too time-consuming for minimal results. I much prefer to start off knowing someone in a friendly way and joining social clubs is great for that.

Haven't done it before so didn't really know what to expect, it's a learning curve alright. Will just make sure I keep it as only PART of my new life

It can be baptism of fire for first timers! Be warned, the internet dating seems to be the marmite of MN, you will get some very polarised views ranging from happy 'I met my soulmate' through to 'everyman who uses OD is a cheating, lying bastard', I imagine the truth is somewhere inbetween.

A few thoughts of my own:

Not sure what site you are using but its probably worth forking out and becoming a member of an established dating site, free ones tend to be populated with skinflints, weirdos and Nigerian scam artists.

While you are trying to 'sell' yourself in the best possible light dont embelish things too much, playing tennis on holiday a couple of years ago is not a hobby! If you describe yourself as 'athletic' make sure you are!

Dont spend forever exchanging emails, swiftly move to chatting on msn/skype then a chat on the phone if you are comfortable (withold number), you will find out volumes more about a prospective date as emails dont always convey personality, humour etc.

Set up an email address spefically for the use of dating

Honesty is the best policy, if you dont fancy someone after a date a polite 'had a nice time but I dont want to take things further' would be appreciated rather then just a rude radio silence

Always stick a photo(s) on your profile, preferably recent.

Your gut feeling is usually the right one.

It might take a few dates/weeks for your 'radar' to get up to speed and you will soon be able to more easily weed out the timewasters/idiots and spot red flags with greater confidence.

Arrange first dates as a lunch or simple drinks after work, you dont want to have a 3 course meal only to find the chap is a complete bore and you have no easy escape.

Always tell a mate where you are going when meeting someone for a date.

Dont play mind games, if you like someone tell them, if someone you like asks you out on a second/third date, just get on and organise it, no 'make them wait' bollocks as they will just move on.

Actually have fun, it is not the be all and end all solution to dating, it is just another iron in the fire. Dont beat yourself up if a date does not work out or someone you took a shine to does not return to compliment.

I find I am now speaking to lots of people on line. But just want to run something past you as I'm not sure about it, someone fairly local has asked me for a date and I agreed but he seems to be a bit fixated on me. I was out the whole day yesterday with friends and he left me a message saying he's was going to see his son but would be back Sun eve and what time he'd be on line.

I get emails to say he's viewed my profile a couple of times a day. He joked that if we get on as well when we meet we'd both be off the market and could he get a refund. We have only spoken on line as yet! He gave me his number when I agreed to see him but I haven't given mine yet

What do you think? Am I worrying about nothing? He just seems over keen

Bump

No, that's fairly normal!

Oh ok. Maybe I'm hypersensitive and on the alert because my last relationship was emotionally abusive and I'm looking for any red flags iyswim

It just sounds like he's quite keen. Just keep your twat radar on at all times. Good luck!!

mamma it's definately on. I'm not comfortable giving my number out yet until I've met him in person. I just found the viewing my profile several times a day a bit odd. I very rarely do that once I'm chatting to someone

Hi Jackie,

You said you are on Match, and on that site you have to open up a persons profile to see when they were last online. Doing so, triggers an email alert (if you have set this up in your account settings) to your registered account.

The viewing of your profile several times a day by this guy, could be because he is checking up to see if you have been online talking to others. Some people that date online seem to think they own the rights to your attention exclusively because you've replied to a message etc.

As you probably know, this can lead to jealousy/possessivness and controlling behaviour later down the line if you begin a long-term relationship with this type of guy.

There are some things you can do here to test this bloke out before you decide to take this contact to the next level.

Buy a pay-as-you-go mobile phone SIM that is the same operator as your current phone, ie: Vodafone etc, and give him the number, only him. You can then see how he interacts with you without letting him into your life too much.

If he turns out to be a text bombardeer and doesn't leave you alone for more than 5 mins, then dump the number and congratulate yourself on the fact that it cost you only a few quid to weed out a bad one!

You could also tell him about a place that you frequent (dog walking or coffee with friends etc). Drop into a casual message that you are going to this place at a set time and day and take a friend with you, then see from a distance if he turns up!

Obviously don't actually use a place you go to frequently, just in case he does show up because I will bet he's likely 5 - 10 years older than his picture, a few pounds heavier and definately 2 - 3 inches shorter than his profile states!!

But if you really can't be bothered to go to the trouble of doing any of the above.... trust your instinct and use the block option, it's far easier :-)

I hope what I've said doesn't sound too cynical. Be safe and don't trust any potential match online until you've dated at least 5 times!

Best of luck to you....

Thanks sixfoot it's a bit of a minefield isn't it

I don't think I'll give him a number at all until we've met for that drink. I'm very wary of men due to previous relationship

OP, I think you would be better devoting your time, energy and money working on yourself before dating anyone.. Spend more time with yourself and your friends, maybe spend your money on a new hobby. It sounds as though you are still raw. Give yourself time to heal before jumping back on the saddle (so to speak).

@Dearjackie

Good idea I think. Make sure when you choose a venue to meet, that the loo has big enough windows to make a fast exit, should he not turn out to be what you thought he was.

A 1/50 chance according to what I was reading the other day!

Best of luck and do let us know how it went?

:)