The Difficulty of Saying NO

[LoisPuddingLane]

I'm doing my best, but may need some back up here.

In brief: this young refugee befriended me on FB. He was a virgin - now isn't, because we met up. I'm easily swayed by young men, it's a bit of a weakness.

Anyway, right after we'd been together it became clear that we weren't sexually compatible. To put it indelicately, he was not prepared to go down on me and wanted anal. So I just broke it off very quickly.

Now he's messaging me again, wanting to meet. Clearly just wants sex and even though he's just told me that since seeing me he's been with several prostitutes and it wasn't as good, I'm still struggling with that no word.

I've said it. And I mean it. But why does it feel so difficult? All right, I'm a sex starved old biddy, that's probably part of it. I keep telling myself I am worth SO much more than this. I want a proper relationship with a decent, good, grown up man.

Yet I keep remembering how he tasted and felt. I am my own worst enemy at times.

Help me keep saying no, before I make more huge massive stupid mistakes.

I think picking up prostitute-using refugees on the internet is pretty desperate, tbh. Desperately sad. Get a puppy ? Nice warm, wriggly body, won't give you syphilis.

Fucking hell, I hope you used protection. He sounds bloody awful and you can do better! You really can.

Thanks for the judgement. Firstly I didn't pick him up. I introduced him into the ex-pat group I know and he kept messaging me.

Secondly, I had no idea until tonight that he was using prostitutes - and he says that was only after being with me. In the face of no other evidence, I'll have to believe that. I will get an STD check though.

And his being a refugee is neither here nor there. He escaped from a country where he would likely be killed if he stayed, and is here learning the language and a trade. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Or is it his age you object to? I don't go out of my way to find younger men, but in recent years they've been the only ones attracted to me. However, they have only been after "one thing". And while that "one thing" is always welcome, it does not lead to what I want and deserve, which is a relationship with a decent man around my own age.

So, again, thanks for branding me desperate. Actually I'm not. I'm just a human being with needs of all kinds. I'll piss off now so you can all suck your teeth at how awful this all is.

OK?

No judgement from me. As you were.

I'm not judging you. It's just that you clearly don't REALLY want to sleep with him and you're not sexually compatible. I was joking about the text speak btw (although I find it a turn off personally).

It just doesn't sound like this will actually be enjoyable for you in the long term.

i will judge you for talking about tender young flesh. To be honest it sounds really really sleazy.

You clearly got the reaction you were angling for, Lois.

"Tender young flesh" ?

You sound like a sexual predator, seriously. Yuk.

It's really not difficult saying no in these circumstances. If you have self respect. If you don't, you need to fix that rather than shag strangers who want to take you up the arse.

You almost said it yourself, OP. The sex might be average/shite, but his presence reassures an "old biddy" that she's still desireable.That'll explain the reluctance to say no. For sure, if 'boys' find you attractive men nearer your own age will too.

Your OP makes me heave a bit.

Step away from the tender, young, anal loving, prostitute abusing tender young flesh. You sound a bit weird

Tender flesh crawling with what exactly?

Noooooooo thank you.

Boak.

You are totally objectifying him. Focus on seeing him as a whole person. He's not even close to the man you want to be with.

And you aren't sexually compatible so he's not even a suitable fuck buddy if that was what you were looking for.

Enjoy the memories - nothing wrong with that. But snap out of it woman.

I'm not judging you either, but I am judging him and I think he's a liar - a virgin who demands anal sex?

We've all made mistakes, best to ignore his messages from now on. Good luck at the GU clinic.

OP I have read your past postings and usually think you sound interesting and sharp. Here, though, you sound really lost. You have asked for 'back up' but you have not really received any. I have some experience of behaving like this myself - and when I look back it is scary how far off the rails I was. I have some idea of the reasons behind the behaviour in my case - I wonder if you do? Seriously, the idea that a 'compliment' that would make you waver would be - 'I prefer you to prostitutes' - is pretty sad. Please, please try to value yourself. Sometimes our experiences can make this hard.

I have acted in crazy and self sabotaging ways like this in the past. To be honest, it was seeing other people's expressions of shock and revulsion that helped me to pull myself up short.

This is dangerous behaviour, Lois, and you need to get gripped up...and fast.

He wasn't a virgin. No one goes from virginity to using prostitutes that quickly. He's a liar. He will lie and lie and lie to you, in order to get what he wants. If you're so crazed by the lure of sex with him that you're prepared to put up with his bullshit, then there's nothing I can say that will be of any good. I couldn't feel bolstered in any way by this man. Being in your scenario would make me feel pathetic.
Buy a dildo?