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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling hurt

24 replies

yawningmonster · 23/06/2006 02:14

This maybe a little long so I apologise in advance.

DH has been working really long hours 7 days a week for the last 4 weeks. I know that it has been stressful for him.

A while ago we planned some weekend events for when the busy time would be over which is the weekend after next and we planned things for both days, Saturday is a carnival and Sunday is a circus which we can go to as a family.

I find our ds pretty hard work and suffer with M.E so finding doing so much of the parenting lately quite demanding and have been really lonely with him away so much, only home at nite. Finding days dragging and while visiting others and getting out helps a bit I have been really missing him particularly on the weekends.

When work is not busy DH goes away hunting approx every second weekend and I found this quite hard as well as it felt as though he didnt want to spend time with us and left me to do most of the parenting but I recognise that he has high needs for time on his own.

Anyway DH had forgotten that we were going to two events on his free weekend and had decided that he wanted to go away for a hunt. He was quite pissed off when he realised that both days were busy and I think he will ask me to give one of them up (unable to get to these events on my own) so he can go.

The main reason I feel hurt is that his first priority after weeks of seeing very little of us is to want a weekend away, I have been really looking forward to the events and to spending some time together and also to getting some support with parenting but all he wants is time out. I also feel guilty about this as I know he is just a guy that needs time to himself and I am being selfish.

OP posts:

koalabear · 23/06/2006 03:16

bump for you

hope things work out

redbull · 23/06/2006 06:59

i find myself that dp is selfish with things like wanting to go out with his friend everyso often and like your dp works most weekends and spends little time with us (ds is Autistic and getting harder to controll), really feel for you on this but sorry got no advice as im going through simular things my self

warthog · 23/06/2006 07:35

why does he get time out and you don't? do you ever get a break and he takes the kids? i'd also feel hurt.

BUT - he hasn't actually asked you yet so it might not happen.

if it does, i would definintely tell him how you're feeling. sounds like things are a bit one-sided at the moment. i'd also organise a treat for myself for a couple of weeks time leaving him with the kids. even if it's just for a haircut.

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/06/2006 08:26

Well as I thought he wants to go. Deal he is going for is he goes away on Friday and will "try to be back in time for the thing on Sunday but we will just have to flag the Saturday thing"

OP posts:

warthog · 23/06/2006 09:20

what is his attitude? is he apologetic, asking nicely or is he annoyed?

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/06/2006 09:25

Just kind of matter of the fact attitude as usually he is able to go when and as he pleases not used to me being upset by it.

OP posts:

warthog · 23/06/2006 09:33

if it were me i'd tell him that i was upset. can you come to some compromise - like he can go hunting the week after?

tribpot · 23/06/2006 09:36

My dh has fibromyalgia and there is no way in hell I would swan off for a weekend leaving him to cope on his own - ever, never mind on a regular basis. Of course he needs his downtime, but my god, so do you - particularly since rest must be very important for you with the M.E. He needs to put his family first, IMHO.

Avalon · 23/06/2006 09:43

He's taking the p*ss imo.

One day would be ok, if you were agreeable - but both?!
I think you should tell him he either must be back for Sunday, or else he goes hunting Sunday so you can go out as a family on Saturday.

Am in similar sitution with dh working abroad, very long hours, only back at weekends.

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/06/2006 09:50

def not taking piss and was hoping that maybe he could go away weekend after and spend the whole weekend with us as planned but "I need to get away, it has been really stressful at work and I need some time on my own to unwind...I would be bad company if I put it off to spend the time with you lot"

OP posts:

catsmother · 23/06/2006 09:51

This sounds incredibly selfish.

He may work hard but so do you and you also have an illness to contend with.

"Trying to be back for Sunday" is, I think, a cop-out ....... why does he have to "try" ? What will physically be preventing him from coming back ? Such a remark is a typical "smoke and mirrors" comment from someone who is too cowardly to say - out and out - that they won't be coming back.

This is wrong on so many levels - I feel mad for you. "Forgotten" or not, he had already made plans with you and he should honour these.

So what if he'd forgotten ? .... you've reminded him now, is he denying he agreed in the 1st place ?

Telling you what he is doing - as opposed to discussing it - is incredibly arrogant, and yes ..... as you've worked out yourself he sure isn't thinking of his family. No wonder you're hurt.

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that not only is he letting you down, he is also letting his children down as you cannot get to these events without his help.

Furthermore, as you have been coping with the children on your own without a break when you are ill, the first priority, at the moment, is some rest and relaxation - literally - for you. He may stamp his feet and pout at this suggestion but what's more important, his "hobby" (which I don't agree with but that's another topic) or his wife's health ?

When people in the family are ill, they come 1st even if it is to the detriment of others. Sounds like you are a very giving person who's prepared to compromise anyway. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

catsmother · 23/06/2006 09:54

Have just read your last post - he sounds charming - NOT.

Part of being a parent is "putting up" with the kids etc., even when you don't much feel like it ............ and as you are ILL, there should be no question here, no question here at all.

He may need some time to unwind, presumably you need some time to preserve the few reserves of energy you have left, before your condition deteriorates.

Kathlean · 23/06/2006 09:56

Better put than I could have catsmother.

There is not a snowballs chance that he will 'make it back' in time on Sunday.

He is saying that he is way more important than you and your children and so tough on you.

He is being incredibly selfish.

Avalon · 23/06/2006 10:03

yawningmonster - I meant that your dh is being very selfish.

You could remind him that you both agreed to this weekend.
Also, if he gives this weekend a try he might relax and enjoy himself with his family.

warthog · 23/06/2006 10:15

well said catsmother. now my blood is boiling...

wannaBe1974 · 23/06/2006 10:15

Is it possible there's more to this? I understand that guys need some time to themselves and with their friends away from their partner/children, but arranging to be somewhere else when he's already committed to you and then saying he'll "try" to be back in time just sounds to me like he has total disregard for you and your children. is it possible he's seeing someone else?

bluejelly · 23/06/2006 10:25

I agree. Also, hunting? Hunting what?

bluejelly · 23/06/2006 10:26

Sorry was agreeing to warthog, don't actually think he's messing around in that way, just being selfish

Lasvegas · 23/06/2006 10:30

Logged on as having similar issues as yawningmonster, but without the illness - my sympathies. Spent 2 hrs last night discussing my view that DH lacks time/energy for me and the kids. My conclusion is we speak a different language and impossible to understand each other. IMHO on the whole Mums are selfless, dads are not, we have something extra in our heads that men don't that prevent us hunting, playing golf, watching the football, stag weekends to the detriment of our loved ones.

DH suggests I go out more socially (to assurge his guilt) when asked to babysit he was unable to be available for the next 6 weekends as he had prior committments !

Part of the reason why I work F/T is that if I didn't I would go for days without adult company which would make me a worse mum and resentful wife.

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/06/2006 10:31

I am sure he is messing around he hunts pigs and has plenty of evidence that that is what he has been doing. Also I do feel like it looks worse written down I think waht he meant was that because he was so stressed out tht he didnt want to ruin the weekend and needs to get some stress out and then spend some time with us in a better frame of mind. With the will try to be back thing also it is a case of sometimes the dogs go awol and it can take a while for them to regroup which delays coming back. They are not our dogs so needs to wait for them. Also re the rights and wrongs of hunting, he is a Southland farm boy who has been bought up to cull pests such as deer, rabbits and wild pigs and even though it is not my backround I am ok with thta.

OP posts:

Original poster

yawningmonster · 23/06/2006 10:35

I am sure he is NOT messing around that should say

OP posts:

shimmy21 · 23/06/2006 10:38

Sorry but this is just outrageous! Your dh seems to be treating your family life as an optional extra for when he is in the mood. You need him there.

You sound quite resigned to this behaviour. WIMO it's time to get angry. What about having a real rant? Tell him that this time you really need him there. You've been coping on your own and you can't carry on without some support. He can go hunting any time but the carnival/ circus is not going to be there next weekend. Scream, cry, behave out of character and 8show8 him that his presence in your lives is not just a matter of being in the mood. It is a responsibilty that he has not been living up to.

catsmother · 23/06/2006 16:17

Yawningmonster .... thanks for "justifying" the hunting aspect, not that you had to. Personally, I believe there's a huge difference between farmers culling as necessary and "dressed up to the nines" (why ??) people with far more money than sense hunting for the "fun" of it.

But I stand by everything else I said. With the vagueries of dogs running off etc., he has the perfect excuse anyway doesn't he (even if they don't) to roll in whenever he feels like it.

You really do sound like a very forgiving, understanding and more than fair person yourself, who, despite feeling very grot is prepared to make compromises. It's a real shame that he is taking such advantage of your good nature and treating you like a doormat.

I'm sure you've had times - don't we all - when you feel stressed out but you don't have the choice of "postponing" the kids until you feel in a better mood. You do what many of us do and muddle through.

a) you can't choose - without discussion and compromise - when to "play" at being parents. Or at least you shouldn't be able to. He is doing so because you let him.

b) does he not care you have a debilitating illness ? That, in particular, astounds me.

VVVQV · 23/06/2006 16:30

Agree with everything Catsmother has said.

You are also doing a full time job 7 days a week. You need time to unwind. You are ill ffs.

Perhaps you should ask him what it is about his family that doesnt allow him to unwind? Whatever his answer, make sure you remind him that you have that everday, day in day out without a pastime to "unwind" with.

In fact.......

Whatever does happen with this, next time he has a weekend free can i suggest that you allow him to walk in the door, grab himself a cuppa before walking out the door, saying you need to "unwind" and buggering off for a girly night/weekend with friends/family/to a spa/ or whatever? Sounds like you need a break yourself.

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