What to do

[Donerelate]

Hi. Quick background. Me and dh been together 18 years, married for 14, with 2 dd's. We got together quite soon after I split with someone who I adored, and although sex was not great, we got on well and got married.

Sex life has dropped off over the years, and we have not had sex for 3+ years, as I just do not fancy him. I know this sounds shallow, but I just can't do it. He is a lovely person, provides financially and is an amazing Dad, but there is nothing left.

We went to Relate for a few months earlier this year which proved useful in some ways, but physically no change in our relationship.
We keep on talking about making it work, but my heart is not in it, even for the sake of the girls.

2 months ago, a guy struck up conversation with me, and we met a few times for drinks/chat. Last week however, it got physical, and again last night. We get on so well. We talk lots, we enjoy each others company, and the sex was amazing (sorry tmi)!

It has just highlighted how things with dh are just not going anywhere. Also, my Mum died nearly 3 years ago, and I just feel life is too short to be in a marriage that really is dead.

I am not sure what I am hoping for from Mumsnet, but thought I would post anyway.

Am I mad to throw away financial security and potentially screw up my girls? I am not saying I would leave dh and throw myself in to a relationship with this guy; I just don't feel it is fair on either me or dh to string things out.

Am I mad to throw away financial security and potentially screw up my girls? I am not saying I would leave dh and throw myself in to a relationship with this guy

Actually it sounds like you already have. Are you looking for approval?

How many women come on here and their DH's have done what you've done, regardless of the circumstances, and the men are verbally trashed.

I'd don a hard hat if I were you.

I'm sorry your mum has passed away.

You had an affair. You are now making the absolutely classic argument that your relationship with your DH must have been lacking in something for this to happen. Your relationship with your DH may well have been lacking, but that's not what led you to sleep with this man. You slept with this man because you chose to. You need to be clear on that for your own sake. If you want to salvage something from this, self-honesty is vital. The first step is taking responsibility for what you've done.

As for what you do next, I'd advise you to take any thoughts of this man, or any other, out of the equation. You could leave your marriage and find the love of your life. You could leave your marriage and never have another successful relationship. It's down to luck that one, and comes with no guarantees.

Are you intending to tell your H?

I'm taking a different viewpoint, Dahlen - I think OP genuinely believed her marriage to be over before the relationship with the other man started. When your marriage has died like this you find yourself in a situation where you think things through at length - when would be the kindest time to leave? when would be least disruptive for the children? etc, and in my experience taking the big step and asking for a divorce came a long time after the marriage was technically dead.

Having said that, I agree with your third paragraph 100% - OP, you should make your decision for yourself, not for another man. If you decide to leave, then do this for yourself, not for another man.

Wishing you well, whatever you decide.

Optimist - I agree with everything you said. But the state of the OP's marriage is not the deciding factor as to why she slept with the OM. Her marriage would still be dead if she hadn't. She slept with him because she wanted to. If he'd been the same person but sexually unattractive to her, she wouldn't have. The two things are certainly related, but they are not cause and effect.

Stop the content with the other man for the minute and have a grown up conversation with your husband. He deserves to find somebody who will give him what he needs and if you're not happy then so do you.

This will just muddy the waters.

Unless your husband has got a bit on the side and just didn't know how to tell you.. win win.

Dahlen - I hear what you say!

Gamerchick - your last comment raised a wry smile here ... I spent the last year of my marriage praying for another woman to come and steal him away from me!

A point though...

It's still considered better to have a frank discussion and make a separation with your current spouse before you start having sex with other people you meet. Regardless of how "dead in the water" the marriage is.

Seriously, if this was a man that had done this, people would be all over him. (and usually are, with good reason)

You said you've gone to relate with your DH and "keep on talking about making it work" but that your heart is not in it.... it sounds like you're telling your DH one thing and doing/thinking another entirely. How is that honest?

Am I mad to throw away financial security and potentially screw up my girls?I am not saying I would leave dh and throw myself in to a relationship with this guy This is very telling. Again, you HAVE thrown yourself into a relationship. Maybe you should try being honest with your DH - you may find he's not willing to stay in the relationship knowing that you've cheated, especially since you sound like you've been giving him the impression that you want to make things work between you. But he at least deserves the truth to make his own decision, don't you think?

its a classic situ often heard from the wife telling us what her H has done.. bottom line tell the truth regarding hw you feel about your H. He deserves the opportunity to find someone who will adore him as he needs. as for your girls if you both maintain good relationships with them, they will be ok, and if they are old enough plenty of reassurance and discussions about what happening...

As for the OM only you know if this is what you need, but as suggested leave your marriage for you and because you aren't happy or making your H happy either. good luck. x

It was already dead & to be honest you should've ended it before being so disrespectful to your husband. It's not just you in this dead marriage. He deserves to be able to go out & find someone that'll love him & want him just as much as you do so it sounds like it's for the best if you put and end to it now before you make more of a mess really.

Thanks for the feedback.

I am not proud of what I have done, but at the same time I don't feel guilty.

I need to speak to H as it is not fair on him. He has done nothing wrong.

As for the OM, I would not be leaving for him; it would be for me and for H to get on with our lives and be happy.

I wonder what you'd have said about your marriage before you met this OM?

Because you started this post basically telling us that your marriage was a rebound relationship that had never been a meeting of minds and bodies. So far, so usual when someone's in the throes of an affair but doesn't want to feel guilty about it or to feel that something that's indisputably poor behaviour doesn't have a justifiable reason.

If your memory isn't playing tricks on you and your whole marriage really was a bad idea from the get go, then tell your husband you want to separate but also tell him you've got someone else.

I tend to think the 'I'm not leaving for the OM' is a delusion though. You'd have left long ago if your marriage was as poor as you're describing and it sounds more like you're only going now because you've got a potential new set-up to cushion that decision.

Just be honest and kind.

Yeah, I found it interesting that you've said "I don't feel guilty." And appalling that you're so very blasé about "well, I've cheated - I don't feel guilty - and I'm not willing to bust up my marriage over it as I like the financial security of it all." I personally think that you're right up there with all the men that people are blasting on MN that cheat on their wives with nary a care for them.

I sincerely hope you are completely honest with your H and soon, so that he has the chance to find someone that values him.

FB, I would have said the same thing about my marriage before OM. Things have been bad for years. There was too much other stuff going on in both our lives for me to consider leaving.

I really don't know why I am getting such a trashing.

I am most certainly not leaving for the OM; I just hate what I am doing to H and he deserves better.

You should end your marriage now.

You don't know why you are getting a trashing? You've cheated and say you don't feel guilty.

As somebody who's marriage is also on its last legs I was kind of sympathising until I read that line. You really should accept responsibility and have a bit of humility about it, if only out of respect for the many women on here who have been cheated on whose advice you are asking for.

Why did you not leave your husband before pursuing someone else? This is what I never understand. IMO it doesn't matter if you think it's over, it's been shit blah blah blah...Leave before you start shagging someone else

I feel so sorry for how deceived your husband is. You need to be honest with him so that he has a chance of being with somebody who loves and respects him and not just milking him for his cash.