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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DD very upset

12 replies

sykes · 16/02/2004 11:12

My h, as some may know, left about eight months ago and my elder dd has been very upset by his departure, younger dd less so. They're four and two. H seems to exist on a different level of awareness to everyone else and either doesn't/can't acknowledge how distraught she is. We spent the is weekend with friends - two sets of couples who have two children each - and it seems to emphasise to her that she's the one without a "real" (her words) daddy. We got home late afternoon yesterday and I virtually had to drag her into the garden - as soon as the car was parked - she started to say she didn't want to see daddy - he always visits on Sundays. She refused to come into the house, hid in the garden. I asked him to talk to her and she got completely hysterical. I eventually got her in the house and must confess I cried a bit as she was so upset and kept saying he isn't a real daddy/he doesn't love her as he doesn't live with her. After about half an hour of cuddling and suggesting x, y and z. Managed to get her to cuddle daddy - she clung to him very tightly watching a video. When all was calm I went out for a couple of hours and everything seemed okay although she wanted to sleep in my bed. We had a little chat and she said she's very cross with him. Sorry long post. I always tell her he loves her very, very much etc. H looked upset - first time in ages - and maybe it struck home that he should be more empathetic with her. He introduced them to him g/f last w/end. Elder dd says she was nice but doesn't want to see her again and has told daddy. Sorry - but anyone with any ideas/experience??? Hate to see her so upset. She doesn't want the boys and girls at school to know daddy isn't at home - obviously always on her mind. He visits four/five times a week. Occasionally gets caught up at work and I wish he'd call to speak to her when this happens - just tells our nanny.

OP posts:

Festivefly · 16/02/2004 11:28

Sorry Sykes, what a horrible thing to happen, my four year old as you know has done this, the ignorance of the fathers is what makes it harder to deal with aswell. I don't know what to suggest really i'm sure you will get a lot of advice. I just wanted to acknowledge your post and say i am thinking of you. I hope all these problems will one day be a distant memory. She will recover i think it is more painful for you to witness.

marialuisa · 16/02/2004 11:30

Loads of sympathy Sykes. I'm not sure how you'll feel about what i've got to say but I'll plough on...

My mum has recently separated from her H and they have a 3.5 year old DD. Initially H was calling round every week day to see her. They have recently decided to stop this arrangement and he now sees her 3 times a week but takes her out rather than see her at home. They found that H coming to see DD at home was making it harder for her to accept the change in circumstances and she believed he would come back at some point ( they have separated briefly before, only for him to return).

I imagine it will be hard for your DD to accept your H's new partner until she has come to terms with your split.

Sorry if i'm way off the mark here.

Original poster

sykes · 16/02/2004 11:34

No, I can see what you're saying. But if he always has to take them out it would be a bit difficult - impossible during the week as he works and you can't take a two/four-year old out that late. w/ends yes - but elder dd now refusing to go to his flat. Do agree with you but without really reducing access a bit difficult. soem freinds have suggested that the access is rather over hte top - and is, in itself, confusing~?

OP posts:

Beccarollover · 16/02/2004 11:39

Each situation is different but Ill give you my experience

DD was only 19month when I left her Dad so not the same issue BUT did have lots of issues with her being unsettled and confused because of the toing and froing between the two houses/parents - late last year I restricted his access to just once at the weekend from 3+ times a week and she is so much more settled - before it was like no two days were the same but now she is with me the whole week through and goes once a week she has taken it in her stride and now looks forward to her time with Daddy. Im so pleased I did it as before she would get very upset and not want to stay and would miss me etc etc

Hope this helps

Galaxy · 16/02/2004 11:41

message withdrawn

Galaxy · 16/02/2004 11:43

message withdrawn

marialuisa · 16/02/2004 11:45

TBH and purely from watching my little sis i think it must be quite confusing for her if he calls around most evenings. Not sure what his work situation is but wouldn't it be better for your DD if there were a couple of evenings when H would definitely turn up (and he sorted his diary out accordingly) rather than for her to be waiting around or disappointed by a message via the nanny?

Think that it's fair enough if your DD doesn't want to go to his flat (is new gf there?). Can't he do some days out at a museum or swimming instead? she's very small and it sounds as if she's being asked to accept lots of change but no real routine for contact IYSWIM. it sounds a bit like your ex is arranging contact on the basis of what's best for him rather than your DD.

Apologies if this upsets you. As i said, am watching my mum deal with this for the 4th time and she seems quite practiced now

Clarinet60 · 16/02/2004 11:50

Sorry to hear this, sykes. The others have given good advice, I think. My ds shows signs that this will be a big problem if I split with dh.
Hugs.

Festivefly · 16/02/2004 11:55

Only since my son has had a break from seeing his father has he come back into his own (not reccomending this). Whatever was happening before sent my son into a very shy insecure boy. But there was no structure AT ALL from dad. I don't know what will happen when access starts again, but i am calling the shots and if a pattern is not stuck to and i notice any change in sons behaviour,it will always have to be rethought.

WideWebWitch · 16/02/2004 12:15

Sykes, sorry your dd is so down. I don't have any great advice I'm afraid other than continually reassuring her that he'll always be her daddy and that you both love her. Agree, he needs to be consistent, definitely and not cancel via the nanny. Ever. Can't say I blame her for not wanting to see the bitch girlfriend but then, I'm bitter on your behalf...

Festivefly · 16/02/2004 12:23

I want to see the pair of them

Original poster

sykes · 16/02/2004 12:27

Thanks. Access is supposed to be Monday, Wednesday and Friday evening, Saturday mornings and Sunday late afternoon/evenings. W/ends are really because I tend to stay with friends a lot - last year I had to as couldn't bear to be on my own. He's not let her down that much, but I just don't understand why he doesn't call to speak to her (after telling my nanny). I think it has become more confused - initially I used a Calender with dates to mark when daddy came but he stopped filling it in. Am sure the best advice is to restrict it to more rigid times agreed in advance and less time during the week. Don't want to deprive the girls of daddy, but am sure it is confusing/upsetting/makes them think he'll come back.

OP posts:

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