Re-posted from AIBU - I still resent my mother :(

[Badmemories234]

Name changed for this.

When I was small, my mum hit me quite regularly. So did my dad. It was usually a smack on the bum (over their knee, pants down) and both painful and humiliating. To be fair, I always knew when I had overstepped the mark and that I would probably would get punished.

In my teens, my mum replaced bottom smacks with hard slaps around the face. They were stingingly painful and sometimes left marks. My dad didn't get involved. The slaps were usually for something minor - I accidentally spilled some sugar on the floor - but she never apologised or even came to see if I was alright after I had run away crying.

I am far from a perfect mum. I smacked my child once and never did it again. I can't imagine ever slapping him.

My mum slapped me repeatedly around the face with both hands after I had a panic attack because my brother had been sick (I had a vomit phobia at the time).

If I'm honest, I still resent her although I no longer fear her. We get along well now, although that is probably because we live far apart and don't often see one another. In many ways, she is incredibly caring.

I have never discussed this with her. She would probably be dismissive about it. She thinks it's hilariously funny to tell people that she stopped hitting my brother after he hit her back. She once left my disabled sister with a bruised bottom because sis (who could be very trying) was being naughty. She did say she felt bad about that because sis had recently had a life saving operation

It's just going round in my head. I feel angry with her. My dad still has a filthy temper and I do fear visiting them because of this. He has a great capacity to be caring but can also be rude, aggressive and intolerant.

Any thoughts?

I think there is an awful lot in your posts to come to terms with, the stately homes threads here are a really helpful to set your thoughts in order.

Slapping someone on the face is a very aggressive humiliating attack. I can see why it's hard to forgive.

What would your ideal resolution be?

OP, I feel so, so sad for you. I don't know whether it would help you to know that I lived in a similar environment and I too have massive resentment, anger and sadness to this day, even though it's been many years and I don't often see my parents (I have an OK relationship with them now, although very superficial and non-emotional).

The violence came from my father, although I would say it was almost always a result of my mother reporting some misdemeanour and him carrying out the punishment, no questions asked. He also would completely lose his temper with frustration, eg if I wouldn't answer a question about where I had been. Was very often a belt across the back but I did also receive smacks to the head and was dragged off a bed by my hair on one occasion.

You mention being assaulted by her as a teen and in a particularly vicious way. I find this in someways even more unforgiveable than being hit as a child, as this shows no recognition whatsoever of a change in the dynamics of parent-child relationship.

Would it help you to think about specifically what you feel resentment and anger about? Obviously the physical violence - goes without saying that this an awful, awful thing to suffer - but perhaps also around what you were entitled to but missed out on from a relationship with your parents? What I really resent is not having the kind of mother and father other people seem to have - empathetic, loving, respectful - and having missed out on the childhood I was entitled to have experienced. This continues to make me angry and sad, still affects my life and relationships in many ways. It really is like grieving for something that never existed.

In my case, both of my parents I believe suffered very difficult childhoods which skewed their perspective on how things should be and they passed all their issues on to me. Perhaps this may be true in your case, too? Having said that, however, I am not at a stage where I can feel sorry for them as, after all, they were the adults and I was the child and never once have they said anything to me about my experience.

No idea if this is of any help to you and I don't really have advice as such, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Thanks everyone. I am definitely going to post on the Stately Homes thread as it seems that this kind of abuse is common :(

I know my mum would never consider herself abusive. It was normal for kids of my generation to get a smack, I suppose. Slapping the face and leaving marks etc - definitely not acceptable. I did once try to fight back or push her away, I think, and she got angry and called me a 'little madam'.

Oh gosh, I so feel for you, Badmemories, and also for Mrsmooms. My mother was a hitter - she's slap me hard round the face, and when, bewildered and in tears, I'd ask her why, she's say 'because I don't like the way you're looking at me'! In truth, I was a very bookish little girl and probably in a bit of a daydream about something I was reading, hence my 'look'. I was also thrashed when I asked, aged ten, a very innocent question about how babies came!

I'm now in my seventies yet still seethe and feel incredibly bitter whenever I think about my mother's behaviour (not just hitting, but also seeming to do everything she could to squash any self confidence in me). And I still dream about her, and wake up crying and depressed. My darling daughter has suggested that I talk to some sort of psychotherapist to address these 'issues' but I can't see the point at my age. However, you two ladies are younger and maybe some sort of talking therapy could help? Just an idea.

Grandma that's awful, just awful :( These things haunt one forever, I think.

I think my mum's parents (particularly her mother) could be violent towards their children. I remember when my 2 year old cousin accidentally broke something at my Grandma's house, my Grandmother said she 'was itching to slap her' but couldn't because the child's mother was there

Grandmama your post is heartbreaking.
Badmemories - what do you think would make you feel more at peace? An acknowledgement that it was wrong? An apology?