Difficulties splitting finances with EA xDP - a how-to guide please!

[Hillfarmer]

Regular contributor but I have NC'd to help a friend of mine.

Hi,

A good friend of mine is trying to finalise a split with her xDP. They have a ten year old DC and she still hasn't managed to reach a finanacial agreement even though he moved out 3 years ago. He is verbally abusive, controlling and a general pig. He shouts abuse at her in front of their DD during handovers- whilst of course insisting that he is a brilliant father.

How can you deal with this if you're trying to negotiate finances? Can anyone say what they did in a similar situation? They have property, so can afford to split. She works part-time, is primary carer, and child lives mainly with her. They live in the house that XP owns. He still pays the mortgage. XP - who works full-time - lives in a flat that she owns outright.

What can she do? Is it the 'lawyers and professional mediators' route, because he is not playing ball? Does she have any rights to a slice of his property because she is primary carer - or is it just that he gets to pay child support because they weren't married? Sorry if this should be in Legal, but I thought since he is being such a shit this thread belongs in Relationships as well.

Many thanks in advance for any advice. All gratefully received.

Not much rights as she is not married. But as they are not married she can get her flat back without having to consider it in an assets split.

Technically speaking, she has the right to child support as specified by the CSA. So I would take his paying the mortgage and allowing her to stay in the main house as nice gestures, as he is not expected to provide for that.

Ps. Mediation is the way forward, btw.

do not deal directly with him. At 10 yo there is no need for her DC to be 'handed over' directly. ExH can wait outside for DC and deliver DC back to outside the house. All ' negotiation' to be done via email or at mediation or by solicitor (the last can be expensive) Insist on a solicitor mediator, and insist on experienced mediator. Ideally a pair (or mediators) together.

If he starts being abusive in front of the mediators it can be done with the ex partners in separate rooms and the mediator going between them.

Do NOT allow the abuse to continue. Remove yourself from it completely. Shut him down. It removes his power.

I agree with all strategies to 'Shut him down'. Many thanks both. x

This is why mediation in abuse cases is NOT a good idea:-

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices.

Your friend needs legal advice urgently as this man is not and will not ever co-operate.

I feel also for the 10 year old DD in all this, some crappy father she indeed has. Hurting her mother is also hurting his child but he is too stupid to realise that. I would look into formalising access via a contact centre.

I agree with Attila. You can't negotiate with an unreasonable person. Being unmarried her rights are fairly poor. If it were my friend I'd be suggesting she got good legal advice, expect the worst, hope for the best and - even if she walks away with nothing at all - be thankful to get out of the relationship in one piece.

if she owns a flat in her name and he owns a house in his name they should move into each others respective properties. close the door lock it and move on.

why is she staying in his house and he stays in hers?

she can go to CSA for child support.

they not married so the property remains his and hers separately.

keeping financial ties by living in each others houses wont help