My long lost father (long, sorry)

[Bouj]

I'd like a little advice, if anyone has a moment. Its rather complicated, but here goes. My parents split up when I was 3 months old and my mother remarried to a wonderful man who I refer to as 'Dad'. They had two kids, who are my much adored sister and brother. My 'real' father has popped up over the years, birthday cards here and there, but very few and far between. When I was 18, I wrote to him as I hadn't heard from him in a long time. I was moving with my then boyfriend and wanted to update him - make him part of my 'adult' life. I never heard anything, nor when I tried a couple of more times to contact him over the last 10 years. Last week, he emailed my parents wanting to contact me. They asked my permission first, then gave him my email address. I now have an email from him and one from his 15 year old daughter wanting to 'get to know me'. I am unsure how to deal with this as I am not sure what they want me to say. I am very cautious of upsetting my Dad, of saying the wrong thing to a naive 15 year old, and of letting fly at him that he has had no contact with me for over 10 years, didn't even know I was married, had a son and lived on the other side of the world. I guess what I am hoping to get advice on is what to say to him and his daughter (if anything). My DH is concerned for me as I have recently started therapy for PND after finally admitting there was something wrong. He thinks I am not strong enough for all of this right now.... I am not sure of how I feel, but the indecision is bothering me. To top it all off, I need to organise childcare to go back to work in a few weeks time and my bloody period is 4 days late!!! Sorry for the very long rant, feels better to just get it out. If you managed to get to the end, thank you!

What does your gut feeling tell you to do?

Blimey. T o be honest i think your dad should of contacted you first, without involving his daughter as this adds extra pressure to you. Could you not email him back, saying that you would like to corresponde with just him for a while before talking to his daughter. I also don't think you should be so cautious of upsetting your dad, after all you did try to keep contact with him.

I think nutcracker is spot on. I would have a gentle non-heavy correspondence with your Dad so that he understands you have a life and important commitments to yourself and your family that come first. Then perhaps once you are feeling stronger you might feel ready to meet his other daughter and that may well end up being a very positive thing. Good luck with everything - it can be overwhelming trying to look after yourself at the same time as looking after others, but it is important for your family that you feel well and supported. Sounds like your dh is a nice caring sort, which is good. I hope your pnd improves soon and that the therapy goes well.

Whew, Bouj!
Firstly, it sounds as if you have an awful lot on your plate, and I think it is most important that you look after yourself and the priorities in your own life first and foremost. You don't need to be hostile or angry aggressive, BUT he didn't respond to you in YOUR timescale when you cantacted him before, so you don't need to turn yourself inside out emotionally until you have the strength and focus to do so. What about a cool calm polite email saying it's good to have a direct contact address for him, you are rather busy with some important changes in your life at the moment (but ok) and you will look forward to responding fully in a couple of months?

Very pleased that you are getting help with PND, (well done)and hope you feel a bit less pressured soon.

I second everyone else. You have enough on your plate. I really hope your period starts soon and I sooooo empathise with the childcare hassle. Hugs.

This is only my 2ps worth, but his 15 year old daughter is your half sister, and even if your dad wasnt up to much i think you should drop her a small email just saying hello im... i have so many kids bla bla bla, as shes a person in her own right and it was probably her that prompted your dad to get in touch again.
Your dad i would personally ignore, as he has done you!
I have half sisters i know and share my life and kids with and a real sister i dont have any contact with...and her 15year old son got in touch with us a few months ago and now we swop snippets of life via email, which is maybe why im adding my 2ps worth as its close to home atm!
I think you should give her a chance thats all, but if your not ready for it now, maybe email her and tell her that? Or not!!!!!!!!!
Good luck on making your decision.

Firstly what a lovely dh you have to look out for you. I agree with him that if you have enough going on do not contact your dad (for now)

I am estranged from my father and being put in the same situation I dont know what I would do. I also think it was very manipulative for him to involve his daughter. I also think you dont owe either of them anything, unless you want contact yourself.

You have got to put yourself first and your son. Dont put anymore pressure on yourself and do what makes you happy, whatever that may be.

Don't do anything if you can't cope with it Bouj. Look after yourself and your family first and only deal with this if you can cope with it. Agree, your biologicial father has had plenty of chance to know you and why should you jump when he suddenly decides to get in touch after all this time? You could always acknowledge the 15 year old briefly by email and tell her you'll get in touch in more detail when you have time. Are you pre-menstrual? Just wondered since for me, everything is 10 times worse when I am. Good luck with organising childcare and well done for getting help with the pnd.

Oh, thank you, you're all so sweet. I'm unsure of what my gut feeling is (www, you are right, I was/am pre-menstrual - one less thing to worry about!!)There has been many times over the years that I have wanted to be in contact with him, and have felt very hurt and sad by the way things are. But I have moved on from that a certain amount - apart from the PND I am very happy (doesn't make sense, I know). But I grew up very loved, in a happy, supportive family. My husband is caring and wonderful and we have a lovely 10 month old boy. But, this man is part of who I am, and I think I want to know that part. You are right Nutcracker, I feel more pressured by his daughter's email than his. Especially as I read hers first! But I think I will take it slowly, maybe a short email to both of them saying how busy I am etc... I don't feel comfortable telling him about the PND as none of my family know... Thank you all again, I should forgo the horribly expensive therapy and just chat to you lot! xx

Bouj, (re PND) it DOES make sense, that's how you know it's PND and not external actors in your life that are making you feel like that, IYSWIM. And you are right not to want to go into details like that with your father.
You are right, he is part of who you are, and I am sure his daughter would love to be in contact. But the long term relationship will be all the more constructive if you are able to communicate with them when feeling strong in yourself - so that they can get to know the best of you. I am sure you will sne them a lovely 'for now' message...let us know how you get on, and how your PND is.

I've been going through a similar thing since just before Christmas. My father has reappeared, the last time I saw him was when I was about 9, for about 2 hours (he left when i was 7, which was 30 years ago). If you want to chat offline you can get hold of me via contact another talker. Good luck with your choices anyway.

I suspect that it's the 15 year old daughter who wants to find her sister, not so much your dad wanting to find his daughter but he's doing the contacting on her behalf. She might well be lovely and it would be hard on her to reject her totally simply because your dad behaved very badly. That said, you probably do need to put yourself very much first now, with your own family and problems. However, a simple email to your sister might be a nice thing. After all, if you live on the other side of the world there is a limit to how much they can interfere in your life.

Sorry, just realised that you are going to email them. I think that's a good idea. Maybe his daughter has been brought up as an only child and longs for a big sister.

Thanks again all, I will draft a couple of emails over the next few days and let you know how it goes. Blu, thank you for your reassurance about PND. I think part of me is still pretending nothing is wrong, and it is a great relief to think about it as a temporary problem. Thank you Lou33, I will contact you if you don't mind. I'd like to hear your story. Aloha, I had thought it was his daughter's doing as well. She said things like 'as long as I can remember, I've wanted to know you'. He does have two other kids who are closer to me in age, but I know very little about all 3 of them. Anyway, thanks again and I will keep you updated...

Bouj, the reason that I am so pleased that you have sought help NOW for PND is that 2.5 years after the birth of my DS, I have finally acknowledged exactly the feelings that you have identified, and now have help, which has made all the difference. My GP was great, and explained the effect of pregnancy and childbirth having a real and physical effect on the hormones that regulate the brain, and persuaded me to take a course of anti-depressants in the same way that I might take iron tablets for aneamia, just until my own levels had built back up again. The problem has gone, and I wish I had addressed the problem sooner, as you have done. Well done!

Look forward to hearing from you Bouj .

I can only put my side in from an estranged dads side. My dp has 3 gorgeous children and a step daughter, his wife divorced him even though it was she having the affair. Straight after the divorce she married the new guy who was already a lodger in the house (having been taken in by my dp as a favour!!) and after that she made it impossible (despite court orders) for him to see the children. She was told off in court for turning them against their dad. He then took the tough decision to suspend acceess until they were older, as school were reporting them as saying some alarming things. He sent cards every birthday and christmas, always asking what presents they wanted, and has never seen a reply. In the six years since he has last seen them the only letters from them are the most awful and painful letters, clearly egged on and dictated by mum saying he is an awful dad and they don't want to see him. The youngest being 6 when made to write this! This is despite him being home based when with his ex and basically doing the hands on stuff; getting them up, breakfast, school, homework, trips out etc. They would come to him when ill or upset. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that he loves his children more than they know but their mum has made them beleive he is something he isn't. They have no idea how much he misses them, that we talk about them every day etc. Not that I am saying your mum has said bad things about your dad, by the way! Is all I am saying is that it is unfair to say he hasn't been bothered. Living with someone who has children well intergrated into another life, I get to see his joy that they ARE settled and doing well and the enormous pain of being excluded.

I say give him a chance and when you feel more upto it, maybe quiz him about the lack of contact.