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Original poster

What would you do?

12 replies

juicychops · 22/06/2006 21:14

Ive been with my dp for nearly 6 months and i love him dearly and i know he loves me to. He has kids and has been seperated from his wife for over a year and they are very bitter towards eachother. They were together for many years. I don't know what plans there are involving a divorce as i don't like to bring it up with him as he is still suffering badly from not seeing his kids every day.

Ive asked him if there is even the smallest chance of them ever getting back together and he says no there isn't.

The other day i noticed a note he had written to his ex and he accidently left it behind when he went to work. Curiosity got the better of me and i read it. It was about his bitter feelings he felt about the way things are which i already knew about. But then it said that not a day goes by when he doesn't wish they could give it another go and how he would be willing to forget everything that has ever happened in the past and that he misses her. At the end it said he feels he is moving on.

I just don't know what to make of it or what to do. I cant tell him i read it cos he wont ever trust me again but this i feel is something for me to worry about. We are taking things very slowly as neither of us want to be hurt again. We talk openly quite a lot about how we both feel about our relationship and the potential it has and he has never given me any reason to believe he doesn't want things to progress slowly into something lasting... until this letter. Don't know what to do

OP posts:
Beauregard · 22/06/2006 21:16

The letter sounds alarm bells to me!-sorry but i would tred very carefully .

expatinscotland · 22/06/2006 21:17

you don't have kids w/him and you've been w/him for six months, if i understand correctly.

if this is the case, then i'll be blunt: i'd tell him i found and read his note, which he obviously didn't find so extremely precious b/c he left it around. i'd tell him this right after i told him we were through.

then i'd move on.

SenoraPostrophe · 22/06/2006 21:17

do you know when he wrote the letter?

Original poster
juicychops · 22/06/2006 21:20

He must have wrote the letter the day before i read it whilst at work. It was stapled so that people couldn't read it! but i managed. Then he took it with him to work the day after i read it

OP posts:
pedilia · 22/06/2006 21:21

Sorry to say he sounds very much like he is still caught up with his past.

How long had he and his wife been split before you two got together?

SSSandy · 22/06/2006 21:23

doesn't sound good jc, you say you've been together for 6 months but he isn't with you, is he, if he's writing letters like that to another woman?

Why did they break up, do you know?

Original poster
juicychops · 22/06/2006 21:24

12 years they were together. Am i being unreasonable to not expect him to miss her? He would do anything to be with his kids so what if the chance did come up for them to give it another go if only for their sake? He's told me that no matter how happy it would make the kids it would be worse for them in the long run with the arguing. Im so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
juicychops · 22/06/2006 21:26

Ive known him for 4 years and they had probs then but she is a very spiteful person and abusive and i think it got too much. Thats as much as i understand it anyway

OP posts:
QueenMab · 22/06/2006 21:26

You said they were together for many years? If I were you I would brace myself to accept that a 6 month relationship, no matter how good, just won't compare to a marriage and children, especially if they only separated a year ago. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like he is anywhere near to moving on.

LaDiDaDi · 22/06/2006 21:40

I think that no matter what feelings he may have for you he is still not truly ready to move on from his marriage.

He may well simply be desperate to see his kids but he may also still have very strong feelings for his ex, no matter how badly things ended between them. It can be very difficult to end a long relationship as people become so closely enmeshed over time and ending long relationships usually involves a period of grieving both for the past shared and also for the future that had been anticipated and hoped for but which will never happen. From what you have said it doesn't sound as though he is trying to "cheat" on you with his ex but rather that he is deeply muddled about his own feelings.

Would it be possible for you to try again and discuss his relationship with his wife, feelings about his past and future etc without mentioning that you'd found the letter unless you absolutely had to?

It may be that you will have to accept that he isn't ready and able to commit to a relationship with you yet.

Coolmama · 22/06/2006 21:45

Hi Juicychops - sorry to hear about the turmoil you have had to live with - have had a bit of a think since your original post and here are some things that have come to mind - just for you to mull over -
Before anythng else, let me say that I truly believe all womean have this "guided missile" called intuition that never misses - it is that little voice that talks to you at 3am when you can't sleep and sometimes, when we are brave enough, we will listen, but more often than not, we will ignore it in the hopes that the little voice will either go away or change what it is saying -
All this to say that I think that, deep inside, your little voice is telling you that, for now, all is not well. which is why you read the note etc.
YOu see, we are all conditioned to believe that a successful relationship is a 50/50 partnership - well, sorry, but that's crap! - a successful realtionship depends on a commitment that is 100 from each side - would you want to be with someone who is only commited to you 50% or buy a house that is built on 50% of it's foundations or a skirt that is only 50% finished.?
Your DP is clearly not with you 100% - and the question is "don't you deserve someone that is?"
This is not to say that the relationship cannot work or does not have a chance, but just that, for now, he is not 100% on your team, and so, with that in mind, maybe you need to give him the space so he can decide where exactly he wants to be?
And in the mean time - you get on with the things that mean you are being 100% true to yourself - because, at the end of the day, that is what makes you most incredible -

Original poster
juicychops · 22/06/2006 21:49

i will talk to him when i see him tomorrow and i will bring up the issue cos it does affect me. He has told me that although he thinks of me as his girlfriend and loves me, he's not ready to make a full commitment and get serious yet because he has a lot of feelings and stuff in his head to sort out. So he is being truthful to me to an extent but i feel like i now need to pull back a bit from what im feeling in case i do get hurt.

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