Petty but irritating situation - what would you do?

[BillStickersIsInnocent]

We're off to a children's theatre show soon with three other families, children the same age. Two of the mums have decided to make little themed goody bags for all the children to keep the children occupied in the queue and afterwards etc. Which is a lovely idea I guess but a bit ott and an extra treat IMO, the treat is going to the theatre I sound like my mum. Anyway, get an email yesterday saying each bag will cost about £5, sorry for not telling me sooner but hope I'm ok with it. I have two children (all the others are onlys) so that's an extra tenner. Probably not much to most people but actually to us, at the moment, it is.

I feel miffed because a) I wasn't asked b) I have no choice but to pay as my children will feel left out if I don't c) I'm such a doormat and haven't said anything yet.

Should I say anything? I don't want to make things awkward but equally I don't want them to think this is ok with me. Money is so tight at the moment. When I told DH he was pissed off too, but he is a genuine Scrooge so that's not saying much. What would you do?

I think the time has gone when you could have said something - they've been bought and your friends assumed you were ok with it because you didn't say you weren't.

Even if the stuff for the bags had already been bought before they told me about it? Once the stuff is bought, I'd feel too guilty not to pay for it.

I didn't make clear in my OP that of course I'll pay for the stuff now, just annoyed about the method

They were wrong to just assume you would agree. But maybe they thought that since the theatre was a treat why not make it extra special with a goody bag. Seeing as its done now I wouldn't say anything. But if you join these couples often make sure you find out exactly what's involved next outing.

Could you have a quiet word with them and say 'look, the themed bags are a great idea and if course I'll give you £10 for them - but money is really tight at the moment and I'd rather have been asked before extra costs were racked up'. Kind of 'future-proofing' - who knows, they may be thinking 'gosh wouldn't it be lovely to go out for lunch altogether before the show' and book it 'to secure the table' before telling you!

Annoying. they just won't have realised. Can you pay them a fiver one week and a fiver the next? That way it makes it clear you're struggling and they might let you off. I would

I think the goody bags are a good idea and it'll save you getting nagged for anything else that's bound to be getting sold at a children's show. Pay the tenner but agree with the other mums that 'they've had their goody bags and that's it'

And tell them up front before it's even mentioned next time. Daft idea anyway.

The goody bags are definitely OTT but unfortunately the moment has passed where you can complain.

I think although it might have been better to have said something when it was mentioned, I still think it's worth saying something. If, like me, you tend to dwell on things like this and find it hard to get past it will be one less thing to bottle up. Plus it may make the organisers of the goodie bags a bit more aware that not everyone has spare cash to throw around. It was wrong of them to have done this without consulting everyone, especially as they are charging for them. Perhaps say you're struggling financially and although £10 doesn't sound a lot it is to you, so can you pay it in installments of 50p a month

I'm with you that the theatre is the treat, and that goody bags are unnecessary - and I'd point that out at the time of paying for them.
You also need to ask for their agreement that you don't buy anything for the DCs in the theatre itself (maybe take some sweets with you, as much cheaper to buy from supermarket than in theatre kiosk).

Even if your friends buy their DCs icecream or other stuff in the theatre, there's nothing wrong with you telling your DCs that they wont get anything (though warn them before you leave, and stick to your guns when you get there).

We always made/make our DCs aware that you choose what you spend your money on, and that it isn't unlimited. "Stuff" from the theatre will mean less money to spend on other things (hoidays/clothes/laptops/whatever).

I'm in your camp financially but imo the majority aren't. They wouldn't bat an eyelid at £10 and can't conceive that you would, either.

imo it's best not to say anything - except next time, make a point that you're not happy to be adding things to the trip, the theatre should be enough, as you said like your mother . imo and ime it doesn't do to let people know you're skint. social and suicide come to mind.

I think it was outrageously rude of them to bill you for a gift in this way.

If they wanted everyone to chip in it should have been discussed and agreed in advance.

I'm not sure what I'd do, but you need to understand that you are under NO obligation to pay them for these bags that they decided to make for the children without consulting you.

I'd text back " lovely idea but for my two the theatre is a treat in itself, so no need for party bags, the cost of the tickets was enough for me thanks"

They should have asked you first rather than assume incorrectly that you would be ok with it.

Anything involving extra cost (and extra work for members of the party) needs discussing and agreeing first. They're just assuming that an extra tenner isn't a problem, which is pretty thoughtless.

As for the best response, PTFO has it.

I agree it's Ott and I'd be miffed, too. If people have these crazy ideas they should either ask beforehand if it's okay or treat all the children on the outing themselves if it's no big deal to them.
Honestly I'd make a mental note that these people were a bit out of my league socially (and a bit clueless about other peoples' circumstances) and not plan outings with them again. Presumably coughing up for two childrens' theatre tickets was double what they paid for their onlies and a lot more than a tenner!
We're skint, too but real friends who are better off have a clue about that and adjust their expectations of us accordingly. (public sector salaries with an unplanned, recent dc3, a couple of our friends/kids friends parents are company directors)

What PT said is perfect.

Brilliant, thank you for all your replies.

I am going to say something I think although I will pay of course. Don't want them to feel bad or awkward, but I can see this snowballing