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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Life a mess

37 replies

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 22:53

Hi all.
I don't even know where to begin with this and am completely ready for the biggest flaming ever.
I'm having an affair.
It started off as just physical as my husband has zero sex drive. Now it's all consuming.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that I could separate these 2 aspects of my life.

I got married because my narc mother wanted a huge wedding, like the one she never had. I try to tell her I'm unhappy but she switches off if I talk about me. I feel like a child.

Now I have a beautiful DS and I'm so scared of ruining his life but I already am due to my selfishness and depression.

Sorry for drip feeding, I don't even know why I'm posting just needed to write this down.

OP posts:

Offred · 16/09/2013 22:56

Calm down. It's an affair, you are not an axe murderer.

You need to leave your husband, it doesn't sound like it is right.

Stop beating yourself up and try to focus on sorting out the mess. That is how you do right by ds.

(((Hug)))

Original poster

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 23:15

Thank you Offred.
I am going to CAB this week to get some advice on finances etc.
I know I need to leave. H and I do get along as friends and I don't want to hurt him.
I have no where to go if I leave and no one to talk to about this.

I don't want to out myself but H has been doing intensive study for the past 3 years and has shut off from me. He's due to finish in a matter of weeks and has promised the world after that, but I feel it's too late. It's just a mess!

OP posts:

StellarLights · 16/09/2013 23:18

As Offred said, first you need to calm down.

Ok, well from what you've said it doesn't seem like you are at all happy with your husband. That needs to change, I think that you should start divorce proceedings. You don't have to tell him that you are having an affair if you don't want to, just say that you aren't happy etc. instead.

As for your mother, well I think that you've learnt the hard way that you can't live your life to please other people. I moved out of my parents home when I was 18 and pretty much stopped contact with my mother when I was 20, now I'm not saying that's the way forward for you but what I am saying is that your mother cannot rule you're life. Don't let her, if she starts saying anything that you don't want to hear then walk away from the conversation, that's what used to get me through tougher times with mine.

Just simply say "It's my life, not yours. I'm not happy so I need to change that, if you want me to be happy then you'll accept my decision, if not then I'm afraid that's your problem and not mine as I cannot live like this any longer."

As for your DS, I have always maintained that I would have preferred that my parents got a divorce and been happy with their own lives than stay together for my sake. I frankly couldn't handle the guilt of knowing that my parents (or one of them) made themselves miserable because of me, and trust me children do pick up on that. A few of my friends in our teenage years realized that their parents were only together for the sake of the kids and it devastated them, some of them still aren't over it now.

Best of luck OP, keep your chin up.

Offred · 16/09/2013 23:18

If you feel it is too late then that is how you feel. You deserve to be happy.

Be careful that the affair is not colouring your feelings but it sounds as though things were wrong before that?

StellarLights · 16/09/2013 23:19

Ps. As regards for your mother another thing that might be worth saying is "Well it's all well and good that I live my life how you want me to and how you see best, however it isn't you who has to live with the consequences and be miserable as a result, is it?"

Original poster

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 23:29

Thank you Stellar, everything you've said about DM is right, I wish I was brave enough to say that to her but for some stupid reason I'm still scared of her. She was abusive when I was younger and I also left home at 18 but when I met DH and got engaged we got on so well with wedding planning, I guess I just went along with it.

Offred - that is a fear of mine, thinking OM is going to put this all right and 'save' me as it were.

I don't fancy my H, since I started the affair I haven't gone near him sexually and he hasn't even noticed. I do love him, but as a friend and father to DS.

OP posts:

whitesugar · 16/09/2013 23:31

Loving Offred's wise words - you are not an axe murderer! Try to stay calm, this doesn't have to get resolved today. If you can, I recommend that you wait until your husband finishes his studies. Its only a few weeks and if you tell him now he might not be able to do his final exams. Stay calm, don't waste your energy beating yourself up. You have made a mistake, welcome to the human race. Get as much information as you can and when the exams are over tell your husband that you want to leave your marriage. It sounds like it was over before you had the affair and you might want to leave out that detail and tell him truthfully why you are leaving.

Accept that the next while will be rocky but you will get through it and come out the other side. Your son would never thank you for staying in a marriage that is over. Be a good example to him. Put your shoulders back and stay strong. Good luck.

Offred · 16/09/2013 23:31

Did you fancy him before the affair?

peppapigmustdie · 16/09/2013 23:36

You need to leave, not to be with OM but for your own peace of mind.
If your OM is there through the turmoil, then brilliant but if not then it is still a good thing. There is no point in staying in a marriage that makes you so unhappy, you cannot live on promises that things will get better. The fact you have had an affair( no judging) proves you have already "checked out" of the Marriage.
Take a deep breath and tell you H.

StellarLights · 16/09/2013 23:37

That is normal don't worry, she is your mother after all. But try to think about it logically, she can't touch you now as you're an adult and not under her control, it's not the same as when you were younger and you were forced to rely on her.
At the end of the day she has a lot more to lose than you do if you were to cut contact, so just bear that in mind and know that underneath everything you have the power and not her.

As for the OM, sadly a person cannot actually save you or put things right for you, sadly only you can do that. Another person can certainly facilitate and help (or hinder) the process but ultimately only you alone can sort everything out, if you rely on someone else too much in these sort of scenarios then it can blow up in your face.

However from what I've read from your posts you sound like someone who has their head screwed on and is intelligent, determined and strong. I don't doubt for a second that you'll do brilliantly, regardless of the outcome.

Original poster

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 23:39

I didn't fancy him. I craved the intimacy though, he rejected me all the time. My self esteem was on the floor and still is.
I was doing a clear out today and found a 2 page letter I'd written to him telling him how the rejection made me feel. I wrote it 2 years ago. We've only been married 3 years
I told him just before the affair that I was falling out of love with him and things had to change.
It's always been 'they will after the course' and 'I'm doing all this studying for us and our family'
Now it's nearly finished and I want to leave.

In my head I've been wanting to hang on till after Xmas, give things a proper go. But I feel as though I'm going to have a breakdown.

OP posts:

Offred · 16/09/2013 23:42

You're trying to force it. Please stop. I think you say you are ruining ds' life because of selfishness, it sounds as if you're not being concerned enough about yourself.

The affair is a bad plan. You know that. It doesn't change that your marriage is really wrong for you and you are really unhappy.

Offred · 16/09/2013 23:45

Restrain yourself from seeing the affair as some kind of rescue.

It has given you respite, probably allowed you enough space to actually confront the end of your marriage but it isn't the answer.

Please do remember that you deserve to be happy and it is very likely that if you have been so unhappy so has your dh and that confronting that will make you brave and hopefully make you all happier in the end.

Original poster

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 23:51

Thank you to everyone for your advice and kind words tonight. It is so appreciated.

whitesugar - yes I will be waiting until the course finishes. He's worked so hard and I don't want it to be a waste for him. And of course he's doing it for our sons future and right now that's all that matters.

I know I need to cool things with OM but it's incredibly hard when he really does feel like the only person I have at the moment.

I want to be a strong woman that my son can be proud of to have as his mother.

OP posts:

Offred · 16/09/2013 23:55

Just keep your head with OM.

This might be controversial but i think he can be your support provided you are able to keep control of yourself and self aware enough to really know what you are doing. You probably have to take support where you can get it really though.

I'm sure no-one needs to tell you to focus on ds.

Original poster

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 23:55

peppa - exactly! I have been living on the promise of life being different after study is over. But a person can't just change over night once the books get packed away.
He checked out as soon as the course started, I don't think that's acceptable when I have been bringing up our son and looking after the house. The years of being ignored have taken their toll.

I am in no way ever justifying embarking on an affair. Just trying to reason with myself tbh.

OP posts:

Offred · 16/09/2013 23:56

When you've left dh it would be stupid to jump straight into another relationship though.

Original poster

JustDrive · 16/09/2013 23:59

Offred, so not the response I was expecting when starting this thread.

DS is my world and number 1 priority. My DM looks after him a day a week, she likes to think she has a hold over me with this help. If needs be he can do another day in nursery which he enjoys anyway. Need to get my practical head on over the next few weeks.

OP posts:

Blondeorbrunette · 17/09/2013 00:05

Justdrive - is there a small part of you that wants to be with om?

Original poster

JustDrive · 17/09/2013 00:10

Blonde - yes there is. A big part.
It's been a huge wake up call and I feel incredibly immature.
I can't justify any of my actions, thread title just sums up how I'm feeling.
I feel too young to be in this mess at 25.

OP posts:

Offred · 17/09/2013 00:28

You're under a lot of pressure and you've made some less than brilliant choices, that's all as I can see it.

You do need to take steps to leave dh who is not making you happy and to take control of/cut contact with your ridiculous mother as a priority.

There is no point beating yourself up over things. Only a point in using the situation as a springboard to happiness.

Offred · 17/09/2013 00:30

I mean clearly you do know the affair is not the right thing to do but it is done now, what's the point in paralysing yourself with self-hate over it. Don't let it cloud your judgement over the relationship with dh either.

Blondeorbrunette · 17/09/2013 00:30

Offred gives excellent advice.

Trying to make a decision whike he is still in the picture is going to be incredibly hard. I know.

You have to try and put him to one side and think only of you and your child.

You are so vulnerable right now and want so much
to be happy that its easy to hold onto something t

Blondeorbrunette · 17/09/2013 00:37

That gives some respite.

If you cant work things out with your husband, thats one thing. You wont be making life any easier on yourself if your husband finds out.

Aren't mumsnet ladies just brilliant. You came looking for advice and thats what you got without the flaming

Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 12:50

Calm down, OP.

There are THREE things you have to deal with, so if I were you I would make every effort to step back, take a deep breath, pick up the phone and get a counsellor:

you have never been allowed to have a sense of 'self' by your mother. You were a puppet/extension of her.

you are ambivalent about your husband

you are (SEE 1.) living your life THROUGH OM. You are allowing an affair (always a mistake, always), an outside event, a fantasy, to shape and define how you feel. You are making a mistake and it WILL blow up in your face.

You don't have one crisis, you have three. And they all arise out of 1.

You have a lot, lot, lot of therapy ahead of you, but with commitment, dedication and hard work you will get there.

Please don't tell me OM is married? What is he saying/promising to you? Have you tested the waters about commitment etc, to whether he pulls back?

How do you feel about your husband? What does he represent to you?

How did you meet OM and what does he represent to you?

How often do you see your mother? How is your relationship?

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