sad sad sad :-(

[Notmoreschoolholidays]

Hi

Dh and I have just had a silly row and it really wouldn't normally have happened, but we are both going through difficult and unrelated things.

Mil has a terminal illness which is developing at a much faster rate than previously expected. She has a meeting with her consultant this wed and dh is dreading it, as he's terrified that her prognosis will be worse than at the last meeting 3 months ago (originally she was given 10-12 years and then it went down to 5. This was nearly 3 years ago).

Dh didn't communicate his fears at all until after the row I mentioned above.

I believe I have aspergers and I'm trying to get a diagnosis. After reading a lot of stuff over the years about female ASD, and relating to most of it I've been getting information together in order to present my case to my therapist on wed. Today I asked dh to read a blog by an aspie woman, and to give his opinion on whether he could see similar traits in me. I'm really sensitive about it as I feel like getting an official DX would be getting permission to just be me IYSWIM. It's a really big deal.

Anyway, dh didn't read it and I said it was OK, but he could tell I was disappointed so he proceeded to read it tonight. He mentioned one trait that really sounded like me, but then started talking in depth about how he could really relate to one of the other traits described himself. I felt disregarded and upset that he was making it all about him, so I said so, and he got really angry. He thought I was unfair to feel hurt about his wandering concentration. I said that I believed he could have put his personal interest in the blog aside for half an hour while we went through things for me, and then revisit his bit (which was really trivial) after.

Eventually he calmed down and said I had a point and that he was sorry for being insensitive, and then he explained about how his fears about the consultation with his DM on wed. If he'd let me know before I wouldn't have asked him to read the blog.

To sum up, he's low and vulnerable and unable to focus on much but didn't tell me. I'm all emotional and obsessed with my thing and we just rubbed each other up the wrong way. It's left a really heavy atmosphere between us. We're so preoccupied with our own issues that we can't offer the other then support they need. It's emotionally exhausting and very sad.

Just needed to vent, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Relationships tend to work with one person having a hard time being supported by the other, but sometimes that balance doesn't work out. Be gentle with yourselves because this sounds like a tough time for both of you.

I think it sounds like you resolved it really well. You talked, he apologized. Now you now about the consultation. You both sound like nice, basically sensitive and caring people. You're having a horrible time but I think sometimes you just have to cling on to each other and not over think the times when the stress erupts into argument.

Hello OP. I was interested to read that you think you may have Aspergers as I'very done the test devised by Prof Baron Cohen & scored quite high (36 I think). I've also read about female ASD & the fact that a lot mire research needs to be done. Could I just ask why you would so like an official diagnosis? I've thought about seeing my GP & asking to be referred but then wondered what the point is - is it just a way of excusing my odd personality? (detached, cold & a sociophobe).

Hi shall, I feel that I diagnosis will give me permission to be me, to stop striving to perform to the social norm and relax in the knowledge that my abusive childhood has not "messed me up", and that I can be fixed if I try hard enough. I will be able to just relax into my own skin, and think and feel the way I do without viewing it as "damaged". I have extreme social phobia, obsessive interests, and strong sensitivity to noise and light etc. There are other things too, but I would like to be able to accept that this is just the way I'm wired, and not have people suggest CBT and psychoanalyse the behaviour as if I'm broken.

There's been a couple of tangentially related threads about being an introvert that you might find helpful. Here's one I was on.

Obviously there's only a partial overlap with AS issues, but what you said about sensitivity to noise and light in particular struck a chord with me. There were lots of people on that thread with those sorts of characteristics who had also spent their whole lives being told there's something wrong with them.

And by the way, though CBT or (especially) psycho-analysis may not be relevant to you, a good person-centred therapist should be able to help you through that giving yourself permission process, with or without an AS dx, so it may be worth bearing in mind.

Your relationship with your DH sounds great to me. A good relationship doesn't mean always agreeing and getting on, it means that when you are being a bit shit to each other you recognise that and understand where the other one is coming from. It's hard to stay kind during stressful situations but it sounds like you have a good one there so try to break the atmosphere if you can. Do something small that he likes and try to make him smile.

As for the Dx I totally get what you mean. I hope it all goes well tomorrow.

If you feel ASD fits, then I would go with that. As an Ed Psych said to me, we are all on the Spectrum to some extent; whether we just get across that line that gives a DX doesn't matter that much "really".

I personally believe that the way we see ASD and other issues such as Dyslexia will change massively in the future. In 100 years our categorizing will seem primative.

However therapy techniques can be helpful whether you have ASD or not, but I think rather than trying to conform to societal norms, you should strive for what reduces your anxiety levels.

Finally maybe your DH is on the spectrum (we all are). But you both need to try to care for each other.

No, we are not all on the ASD spectrum. An EP should know better not to make any such pronouncement because it is factually incorrect.

I just think it’s incredibly important to not add further confusion to a condition that so many people already misunderstand and even deny. I think there is much more harm than good done, in the suggestion that autism is something we all have to differing extents.

We are only all on the autism spectrum, if you completely redefine what is meant by the autism spectrum.

I'm very sorry to hear about your MIL.

DP has AS, diagnosed in his early 40s (before we met). Being properly diagnosed has been vital to his sense of identity. He tells me he is less inclined to judge himself harshly over things he can't do that it seems 'everyone else' finds easy.

If you are looking for counselling do try to find someone with some knowledge of autism. It can be pretty unhelpful to see someone who is trying to treat you as if you were neurotypical if you are not.

Thanks for the replies.

Dh is definitely not on the spectrum, he's the most sociable chatty person ever and people warm to him instantly. He just knows how to put people at ease and loves small talk and chit chat. He just read one trait that he could identify with, I think it was something to do with tying his laces and tucking his shirt on!

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for two years, and I initially went in order to deal with social anxiety. After the initial consultation where she took a detailed history she said that she felt we should deal with the abusive childhood, and that the social anxieties would probably resolve once we had worked through all the other stuff. I've come to terms with most of the rubbish with my family, yet the "aspergers" type thoughts and behaviour persist.

I know it's hard to unlearn behaviour patterns that are hard wired from childhood, but what is I don't need to unlearn anything, and just accept this is the way I'm meant to be? The pressure to conform and 'do it right' is mostly self imposed, but other people, mainly family, still make me feel defective some times. It would be great to be able to say, "of course I'm going to react like this to your joke/banter/unannounced visit that has sent me into a tizz. It's the way I'm meant to react, now piss off!"

I'm going to give all the information I've researched to my therapist and see what she thinks. If she can't help me due to lack of knowledge then she may be able to recommend someone who can.

Are you hoping your therapist can diagnose you?

That's my hope, or at least to point me to someone who can.

It really depends on your therapist's background and qualifications. He or she mightn't have a clue where to direct you.

Which is why I've been doing my own research. I trust her to take me seriously and offer what support she can, and to contact the relevant professionals if her experience falls short of what's needed.

Fair enough. I hope it goes well.

Thanks I hope it does too, I'm really nervous!

You sound like you are almost there to accepting yourself the way you are.

Probably many of the population jump through hoops to be 'accepted' or seen as 'normal' when the best thing they could do is to stop trying.

The magic thing is to not care if someone says you are different or being unreasonable or whatever, it does sound as if you have almost made it, OP.