Parents v DH I can't keep going like this!!

[LittleMissA]

I've been with DH for 10 years and we have 1 dc. My parents have never really got on with DH, just tolerated him though I've often got the impression they look down on him, especially my mum.

Since we had our DC (4 years ago) my parents have been a nightmare, well mainly my mum, nothing we have done is good enough, we don't visit enough, if we visit DH's family we are obviously favouring them etc!!

Every month or so my mum launches at me with a whole list of you and DH did this and this etc and we need to make things better for DC sake so to do this you have to come and see us for dinner every week and go on a day trip once a month or something like that. We don't want to get into anything regular like that as tried it before and the first time we had to miss a day as we were ill all hell broke loose!

My mum also makes a lot of criticisms of DH when she has these talks and I just don't know why she hates him so much. I think shes made up this story in her head that he is controlling me and is abusive or something, just because I put my DH and DC first.

I can just about get along with my parents but it does feel fake and makes me anxious half the time as there is a lot of tension there and I don't really want to spend any more time than I have to with them as its just such hard work. My DH does struggle being round them because of how they have been the last so many years and I can't blame him.

I'm expecting another 'talk' from my mum this week and i'm getting to the point I've had enough. The last time she was basically saying I need to make an offer of what I was going to do to keep our relationship going??? I also found a bit of paper that she'd written notes on about me saying this was my final chance and what points she was going to emphasise when she next talks to be like it would be an ultimatum.

I can't really keep a relationship going with them can I?? (My dad just backs my mum up) I love DH and we get on so well, everything would be so good if we didn't have this big black cloud over us!

The idea of Christmas coming up is also stressing me out big time as I know that's going to bring up more conflict.

Sorry its long and not really sure what I'm asking, I just don't know how to go on.

Do they help you a lot with childcare?
Could you easily manage without them in your life?
You need to put your foot down with your parents. Not sure how easy that will be but you need to start standing up for yourself and your family.
If this was the other way around and in-laws were slagging off the woman all hell would be breaking loose now about how he needs to back you up.
It works both ways I'm afraid.
You need to find your strength and have words with your mum and dad about how things are going to be in the future!
Good luck.

What an awful situation. But...

She wants to make an ultimatum? Brilliant! Let her.

Make it clear that it is completely up to her whether she wants to remain in your life or not, but that you are comfortable with the priorities in your life, ie your DH and your DC.

Practice some phrases so that you can bring them out because it will be very hard when she starts to steam roller you into something to stand up for yourself, if you practice them out loud beforehand you are more likely to be able to say what you want to.

Sorry you are going through this. It is't you, it is her...and you probably already know that. It is as if your mother is competing with your husband for you. That is just nuts.

Or she can not accept that you are now an adult, independent, and you do not "need" her anymore. Sory, I am just guessing. Is she just a drama llama?

"Your final chance"...if she chooses to go no contact with you, well, result. She sounds like she has a need to be in control, and if you are already distancing yourselves from her she may want the dynamic to be on her terms and will "break up" with you before you can break up with her.

Yes with melons. Set a clear boindary that enough negativity has been endured about your dh and no more will be tolerated. Then back it up by leaving her presence when ever she starts to criticize him..."speak with your feet" and walk away.

"I'm expecting another 'talk' from my mum this week and i'm getting to the point I've had enough. "

I think you need to just be very straight with her and tell her you are not prepared to be emotionally blackmailed.

Your mum can say whatever she wants and you can do whatever you want. I don't think it's a good idea to try and do what she wants.

You only I think get along with your parents because they have got you well trained to dance to their tune. You've had a lifetime of such conditioning and as such likely have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in spades with regards to this toxic twosome.

Your priority is to your DH and child, not your parents.

You cannot reason at all with such toxic people, they are beyond reasoned argument. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, your Dad is the bystander who has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has also abjectly failed you here. He is also your mother's willing enabler, toxic women like your mother always need a willing enabler to help them.

If they are also too toxic/difficult for you to deal with then they are certainly too toxic for your vulnerable and defenceless child.

It may be an idea as well for you to have counselling with regards to your relationship with your parents because I think there's an awful lot of stuff that needs to be unlearnt by you.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and read the resources at the start of that thread too.

Thanks for the responses it means a lot.

They used to help out with childcare but haven't since DC has been at preschool.

The thing that worries me is that since they have been like this I've not seen the rest of my family that much as they see my mum more and I know she makes out I'm so mean too her to get pity. I used to be really close to my grandparents etc and it would be really upsetting to lose them too.

I guess I was also after opinions as I know when we do talk she'll try emotional blackmail like they have health problems and wont be around forever (both mid 50s so just being dramatic) and try and make me feel bad that I will be depriving DC.

It has got to the point that I am going to just walk away I think as its not fair on DH and its just too draining.

AndTheBandPlayedOn I think she can't accept I'm an adult and can do things for myself. These last few years I've lost all respect for her, I've seen how manipulative and selfish she can be and not just with me!

These last few years I've lost all respect for her, I've seen how manipulative and selfish she can be and not just with me!
Hard as it may be - I think you need to tell her this!
Would it get through if you put it as bluntly as this?

You need to take control of the situation & issue your own ultimatum: that you, DP & kids are very happy, and if your parents can't accept that, respect you, and generally behave themselves, then they'll have to do without you.

Wow, your parents sound really toxic - and they are only mid 50s (my age ) - do not allow them to treat you like this.

They are acting as if you have never grown up and are still their little child to dominate - you absolutely need to back away from this 'relationship'. Do not enable them to get away with behaving so badly towards you.

What would you miss if they were no longer in your life? You don't have to (unless you want to) do anything dramatic, just really cut down the time & energy you spend with them, if they make any comments just say something non-commital.

you support your DH and tell your mother to butt out and stop causing drama.

imagine of the shoe was on the other foot.

What would you like to do?

If you are prepared to have limited contact, you could let her have the 'talk' and say 'This much is on offer but no more', but I suggest even limited contact should be on the basis that she must treat you and your DH properly and stop criticising him.

If you've had enough, then let her make her ultimatum and fail to do as she asks. Job done.

Whichever you do, now is the time to step up direct contact with your grandparents to make sure you keep them in your lives.

So we've had this with MIL.

She was the one issuing ultimatums etc and we simply called her bluff. She got herself into a lose lose situation and has since tried bad mouthing us to other relatives and pretending it was all a misunderstanding on our part. That she never said any of those things etc.

Whilst we stay away and do not engage, her drama continues. She sends DH a text every couple of months, wants to meet etc but no sign of addressing what has happened. There is no way we can ignore all the things she has done. Her new tack seems to be to send gifts and money. We do not return them or acknowledge receipt. We simply get on with life. I think she is hoping for thank yous from the children but I will not provide a performance, certainly not involve them in any contact manipulated by her.

The trouble is once it gets to this stage there is never any going back. Contact, if any resumed, would be on such a superficial basis that I would not see the point. There is also a trust issue. I would feel she only wants minimal contact to keep tabs on us and what is going on in our lives so it can be gossiped about and dissected. Why provide the fodder?

I don't know how it will end in the end only that considerable pain awaits DH when he finally processes what a damaged bitch she is.