Stepchild with autism - anyone understand?

[Christie81]

I will also post this in special needs. Previously to meeting DPs son (16) I had not had any experience with special needs children. His son is autistic and at first this did not bother me. I met him, he was lovely and polite and very sweet and a pleasure to be around. We got on really well and I was so pleased as DP had built up this nightmare scenario that it wouldn't work out because he had an autistic son etc.

Anyway as the weeks went on he got chattier and chattier with me and other family members started telling me that he talks about me all the time. One evening we took him out to dinner and whilst his dad was buying lunch he started talking to me about college and girls. He asked me "do you think I might even get a girlfriend?" and I replied "I don't see why you wouldn't!" (wrong thing to say?? I don't know!). He then said "well if I did I think I would take it slowly at first."

Bearing in mind he is pretty low functioning - this didn't seem like something he would naturally say and more likely, had heard from someone else. I got a little paranoid that it was a reference to me and his dad. He clammed up all of a sudden and said "anyway, thanks for listening."

He was really quiet for the remainder of the weekend and when his dad took him home he confessed that he was worried he had offended me and that I no longer like him!! I couldn't work out what I'd said to create that impression but DP told me not to worry and just forget about it. He then said "I think he may be holding some affections for you that he doesn't understand." ?? what does that even mean?

Since then he's totally turned his back on me. Barely talks to me when he comes over on a weekend and if I talk to him he won't look me in the eye, gets VERY nervous and uncomfortable and starts stuttering. It's awful :-( He seems frightened to death of me all of a sudden.

Yesterday he was sat in the living room watching TV, I walked in and sat down and he sighed and immediately stood up and walked out!!

I keep thinking "it's not personal. it's not personal. it's not personal ... " but its such a sudden change and I don't understand.

But then before he left he came up to me and said "by the way I need to leave you with something before I leave - and that is a quote off toy story which says 'you have a friend in me.' goodbye" ???!!! lovely but again, so out of the blue.

As he was leaving I said "bye! see you next week" and he replied "yes, I can barely contain my excitement" !!??? Sarcasm?? I don't get it.

I suppose other things that are bothering me is that I worry like mad that DP will go back to his ex wife for the sake of his son. Especially if she starts to struggle. One time we were talking about time machines and his son said "well if I had one I'd take us back to the time when you and mum were still .... actually I better not say." and DP went all distant on me.

He promises he'd never go back but I do worry about it and I suppose the more I struggle to understand his son the more I worry he'll give up on it and just go back to the lads mum. Talk some sense into me please.

To me (I have a son and a sibling with autism) he sounds like he hasn't quite got to grips with the current situation. He sounds very sweet and I don't get the impression that he hates you from the things you have written.

I think most children would wish they could go back to the time when their parents were together it's not a reflection of how he feels about you.

I think you need to relax and not over analyse it all.

Just be nice, friendly and yourself. My children both have autism and I recognise something of my eldest in your description. He so desperately wants to be 'normal' (his feelings not mine!) but he struggles so much to understand appropriate interactions. It just doesn't come naturally to him at all.

He once wanted to hug my friend and he groped her breasts. this is because I had been doing a lot of work with him on touching girls and intimacy and how you never touch someone unless they want to be touched. I thought I had been clear, but apparently not. Thankfully my friend wasn't at all bothered. She understood. My son, otoh, was mortified. He knew from my shocked squeal that he had got it dreadfully wrong, but he really didn't understand why.

Does he have echolalia? My youngest will say the most random things and then you'll come across it on the telly and go AHHH! that's what it is

I think you would, if you are planning on being the long term partner of this child's father, benefit from some autism training. Just so you can perhaps have some increased understanding.

And then yes, there are all the emotions every child feels when their parents split. I hope his parents are doing enough work with him to understand all this? And yes, no doubt your partner will be feeling some guilt. That's only natural. That doesn't mean he will leave you.

I mean it's his feeling that he is not 'normal'.

I'd try not to overthink this. If it were me, I'd wait til you and DP are together with him next weekend. Then say something like - you know that something has been bothering him, you aren't offended by anything he's done and that it is OK for him to talk to you and his dad about anything he is bothered about. You could emphasise how you really like him and appreciate him and want to be a good "step-mum" figure to him.

My guess is - either in negotiating teenage feelings and emotions he has decided he fancies you and feels embarrassed and awkward

Or - he wonders whether it was polite/appropriate to talk to you about girls etc and is scared he has embarrassed you inadvertently.

Either way, try and be really up front, spell things out to him clearly and keep reinforcing that you still really like him and that he can talk to you and his dad about anything that is bothering him. If he is fancying you you can talk about how it is natural and normal to have those feelings but where someone is already in another relationship you don't act on them, just accept they are there at the moment and in time he will probably find that they fade etc etc

BTw the "take things slowly" comment could just as easily have been something he's heard from his Mum, a friend at school, the TV or even possibly PSHE lessons at school when talking about relationships.

Like educatingarti, I think the lad has developed a bit of a crush on you.

The kindest thing you can do, in any case, is to treat him exactly as you would have done regardless - i.e. kind, friendly but not overly affectionate.

If it is a crush, it will pass in it's own time.

can I echo some kind of autism training. ds has autism (he's 6),it made understanding him so much easier and improved his quality of life.

echolalia means repeated speech, he uses phases or words from other places. often this is just pleasing noise but in ds' case he also borrows the phrases to express himself without the need to formulate sentences himself.

quite possibly he doesn't understand your role. he will have encountered mum and dad. So you are not mum but do stuff he is accustomed to seeing mum do, if he has some understanding of what a girlfriend is and you have been introduced as a girlfriend that could be very confusing