Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

is this the end?

22 replies

foolishme · 16/09/2013 10:13

This is long sorry.

I have been married for 8 years, 2 dc aged 5 and 2. My DH has had erectile dysfunction for years and anxiety, something I just accepted as part of him and something to live with. In the early days he got stressed with work, became distant and sex became very infrequent and I tried and tried to reconnect but got distracted with our first born, so in general the sex got less and less.

3 years ago I found out he was having an internet relationship with an thai woman that he said he met online in a chat room. He had got pretty serious with her, phone numbers were swapped, he was sending her money and he told her he loved her. When I found out I threatened to leave, he was devestated so I agreed yes lets try again. 6 months later I found out about lots of money spent on porn (live shows and chat rooms - i now know this is how he met the thai girl) and by lots of money i mean running into the thousands. I had just fell accidentally pregnant with dc2 and decided to try and forgive and move on for the sake of my family.
DH then became very depressed with a different issue (work) and I think was near to a breakdown. I coped and coped and we moved house and he changed jobs and I had to give up mine due to moving to a different area.

I thought the move was our new start. But again i discovered more, he had been on camming sites (live and interactive internet sex). I was furious and had my ds not been weeks old I would of kicked him out. I was just too vulnerable. But I withdrew at that point (2 years ago)
He has since had 9 months of therapy and says he understands why he does it its a cycle of depression/reward to do with endorphin release and he is like an alcoholic and finds it very hard to stay away. He says the ED has made him so depressed that the interenet stuff made him feel sucessful. I actually feel sorry for him on that front.

2 weeks ago I found out yet more. He has been on Adult friend finder and placed an ad a year ago looking for some discrete fun. He has not logged on since last christmas. He says he never acted on any of it, and never would. I feel in my guts that enough is enough but I am so devestated to be letting go of my dream of a family unit. I have no steady job (do a bit of now and again stuff) and no idea how I will cope financially. My eldest dc eespecially will be devestated. I just don't know how I can ever rebuild from this. So according to him its all been online, nothing for real and he is trying.

Should I be trying anymore? Should I try and keep the family unit together and just plod on for a bit more until dc2 is in school? Then I can work and be better placed for a split.

I am so confused. I am so scared of being alone and it all being so hard and being skint. I have no family only his parents. I swing from thats it i've had enough to oh shit I think I want to hide. Currently we have agreed to work on being friendly and getting on for the sake of the kids.

Seeing a solicitor later, will be a bit sporadic in replying to anyone who got this far due to dh, kids etc.

OP posts:

lemonstartree · 16/09/2013 10:19

for me, enough is enough. How can you have any respect, let alone love left for this man ?

what relationship are you modelling for your children?

Just because you live apart does not mean he cannot be an excellent father to his children, if he wants to be.

you may be skint if you are alone, but better skint than miserable in a disrespectful, dishonest and unhappy marriage

CharlieB30 · 16/09/2013 10:44

He needs to leave. Its awful that he can disrespect you in this way and expect you to keep forgiving him. I'm sorry but I don't believe in the addiction - if he wanted to make things work then he wouldn't do it. Simple as.

You would find a way to cope financially and I'm sure and that dream family unit was already dashed when he started talking to this lady.

You and your dc deserve more

littlecrystal · 16/09/2013 13:58

This is hard. A gut feeling says this is the end. On the practical side, I would probably continue to live on amicable terms until you are in a better position to split (DC older, a job etc). Choose to leave when you are feel ready. In the meantime take care of yourself, love yourself and be a woman that you have always wanted to be.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2013 14:05

In answer to your question - YES - it would have been the end for me years ago. When it all started.
Only you can decide what is forgivable.
For me it's all just yucky and sleazy and I certainly would not want to be with someone like this.
Could you separate?
What do YOU want?
You need to really look at what he brings to your life and your relationship other than hurt and deceit!

therewearethen · 16/09/2013 14:21

I've pm'd you OP, sorry it was brief x

Original poster

foolishme · 16/09/2013 14:25

thanks for all that took the time to reply. I agree with you all in that enough is really and truely enough now I am feeling really numb about it all and just have to get the strength to do it. I have gritted my teeth and carried on for a such a long time that I almost feel entrenched in it and used to my own unhappiness. I think I need a big kick up the arse!

The solicitor was good, basically told me all the ways through a divorce. its all just so daunting...

OP posts:

Jagdkuh · 16/09/2013 14:25

my guess is, he likes these women because he still seems virile when communicating with them. he gets them to be naked, showers them with money, but in his heart of hearts, he know he can't have sex with them. he no doubt feels deep shame for his ED, and probably feels pretty inferior as a human being.

that said, he's done it before, has done it again, and if there is no chance to talk, to reconcile, to understand why someone has acted in that manner - then I agree, there is no point.

Original poster

foolishme · 16/09/2013 14:34

thats just the problem jag I do understand where this comes from and I am deeply sorry about that.I feel bad that he can't do what he wants to do. I am just exhausted by the whole process and feel that my happiness is being sidelined to his issues. Where am I in this marriage? WHere are my needs and wants and wishes? They have not been met for a very long time. Its just so hard to put myself first. I hurt him, I hurt my kids and I make us all skint insecure.

OP posts:

Original poster

foolishme · 16/09/2013 14:37

Its just so hard to put myself first. I hurt him, I hurt my kids and I make us all skint insecure.
if i divorce him that is.

OP posts:

littlecrystal · 16/09/2013 14:50

*WHere are my needs and wants and wishes?
You should not depend on another person fulfilling your needs or wishes.
(Though he should not do what he did, too).
Is there anyway you could make yourself happy without quitting your marriage at least for the time being?
Make a smart decision, not only a rush decision...

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/09/2013 14:55

Its not the first time - he has sought help but he is still choosing to cheat on you in this way and chucking family money at these women and sites. He won't change. You need to decide if you want to accept him as he is or leave.

He is the one who is hurting the family and damaging your marriage - not you.

morethanpotatoprints · 16/09/2013 15:03

Totally agree with MadAbout

He won't change and what's worse is he expects you to forgive him completely wasting the family money.
He has broken his marriage vows, not you. He is the one hurting you and causing a possible divorce, not you.
I hope you find the strength to make him leave, you and your dc deserve far better than this. Your happiness is important not just for yourself but your dc too.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

foolishme · 16/09/2013 19:51

thanks for all the replies.
littlecrystal I meant where are my needs wants and wishes met within our marriage. The answer is they are not.
The solicitor was interesting. She advised against getting full time work, as I would get a less better deal. Its all so bloody clinical and awful but I am kind of resigned to the fact that it has to happen. She said at the end "I am interested as to why you are being so reasonable, he needs to know you are being very reasonable, but I guess your counsellor is helping you with that"

Maybe I need to start getting bloody angry or I will get screwed over!? I just know in my heart of hearts I do not want to grow old with him. I put the kids to bed tonight, did tea bath everything (he is out) and the kids were fab, its actually easier with him away and no atmosphere....

OP posts:

Offred · 16/09/2013 19:59

I know where you are coming from about your needs within the marriage.

Yes, I think it is the end.

Re: the solicitor, perhaps think about another one, I wouldn't want one that was trying to whip me up to be unreasonable. Being reasonable is a good thing IMO, you need to be reasonable and fair with yourself as well as home though. Don't expect that anyone will be screwed over, focus on demanding everyone gets the fairest deal possible.

BeCool · 16/09/2013 19:59

That can be the light at the end of this tunnel you are in. It is lovely living without the atmosphere which is otherwise there.

Being a SP can be demanding and challenging, but so much if the crappy stuff will leave when he leaves.

You've tried so hard, but there's no point banging your head against a wall again and again. He's not participating in the process. He's lied and deceived you. If he won't engage he wants to maintain the status quo. Unfortunately this is at the rest of the family's expense.

Offred · 16/09/2013 20:00

As well as him not home!

AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 20:06

Please make it the end this time.

How much more disrespect can one person swallow before enough is enough ?

he will never, ever stop. So yes, unless you are prepared to grow old with an inadequate man that uses family money to have young girls perform for him sexually, just put both of you out of your misery (although euthanasia would probably be too good for this disgusting old goat)

VBisme · 16/09/2013 20:07

It's sad that your solicitor wants you to do that. Yes you'd get a better "deal", but you wouldn't be better off in the long run.

I'd get a better solicitor and extract yourself from the marriage with as little pain all round as possible.

NandH · 16/09/2013 20:12

You have put up with an awful lot, I think I would have even left by now, and that's saying something!

Has anything happened recently? And how do you keep finding out these Things? Are you snooping or is he telling you?

youvegotmail · 16/09/2013 20:20

It'll keep happening until you leave, so choose.

End now

Be lied to, cheated on (not physically but still) and humiliated for a few more months or years. Then end.

tallwivglasses · 16/09/2013 20:25

How much do his parents know? I'd be tempted to tell them.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 20:29

I'd sing like a fucking canary, to everyone

This man has been shielded from the shamefulness of his actions. Stop protecting him, OP. Society rightly judges a man that pays vulnerable young women to give him an orgasm. Disgusting behaviour.

Flip