will they ever leave me alone? ive made it clear i dont want contact.

[ThatVikRinA22]

long story but ill try to summarise.

had a very bad childhood involving an abusive step father, social services involvement following hospitalisations, nothing changed and was abused and neglected for 9 years.

when i was 11 my mother had a baby with my stepfather. I doted on him and was his other mummy, but i left home at 15.

my half brother was homeless at 17, and spent the following 10 years on heroin. I had taken him into my home at the age of 18, but being an addict made it very hard - he owed money and did a runner leaving me with his drug debts plus many debts.
following this he didnt contact me for years. he sent me a wedding invite years ago but i didnt respond.
2 years ago he found me online and sent me a message which made me think he had turned his life around.
sadly he hadnt, his wife had also been an addict and they had a very poorly little girl who was very premature. During this time he pressed and pressed for me to have contact with my mother, which i dont want. We have not spoken for 14 years and my life is happier for it. I was shocked and upset when she sent me a msg on facebook. it left me reeling. there was no apology, no responsiblity taken, she said that the past was the past and water under the bridge. To just fill you in, my sf was incredibly cruel, they married when i was 7, and from that day to the day i left (and beyond) he was violent toward me. very violent. he was just an angry little man with someone to take his temper out on.

my half brother then split up with his wife and went even more off the rails. at this point i called it a day. He clearly has major issues which he chooses to believe he has sorted, but he told me that despite giving up heroin he remained addicted to weed and was a alcoholic.
he ranted and rambled about his wife and i deleted him from social networking, following which he told me to "fuck off" so i did and deleted his phone number.
all was quiet for while, then about 9 months later i got another msg from him on facebook, asking for reconciliation, i did not respond and blocked him.

a few weeks ago, i went to a friends garden party, coincidentally, she is friends with a member of my family whom i see very little of. It was nice to catch up and we posted comments on each others fb pics etc.

low and behold, not 2 weeks later she has sent me a msg which my brother sent her, in which he asks for my address.
she hasnt responded and thank god told me. iv e asked her under no circumstances to divulge anything to him, the last thing i want is that shower turning up at my door.
he seems desperate to let me know what he is doing, but ive heard it all before.....he is a car crash - not his fault - but not mine either. He never asks how i am, or about my family, he just seems to want to desperately make me believe that he is all sorted, he is now saying he is getting married again and going to try for another baby (god help us all)

my life is very normal. i really am very certain that i dont want contact (tried it - but it didnt work and im settled and happy with that) i am also in a job which would take a very dim view of me spending too much time with someone with a prolific offending history (he committed crime to fund his habit)

i dont know why, but every time this happens the wind is knocked out of my sails.
i had rewind therapy and a year of counselling last year, i was diagnosed with depression and put on ADs, but now im good and i want to stay that way.
but he just wont go away. i think its very bad form to use someone else as a go between - but he will have no concept of the awkward position he has put this family member in (that i really hardly know!)

i fully intend to continue to ignore ignore and ignore - but when will they stop and leave me alone? i have been very clear that i dont want contact.

just venting really, but i dont want to live looking over my shoulder. i dont want him finding me. i am sick of them taking up precious head space. i have no regrets at all - i tried contact, it just didnt work for me.

how can i put this behind me when they keep trying like this.

I'm sorry that you're being pursued through your own life like this. I hope that you don't feel bad or guilty for not accepting contact, and I hope that they get the picture eventually.

You've clearly done a lot of hard work to make your life, and you deserve to be able to carry on with that. I guess that your brother is just seeking some semblance of your calm life - but isn't in a position to sort that out for himself. I don't know whether you'll ever be in a position where someone won't try to see you every so often, but as long as you keep looking after yourself - you'll be ok.

I have no advice, sorry, but I recognise your name and I always read your posts. You give sound and sensible advice to others and I am sorry you are going through this.

I used to spend most of my day thinking about my 'D'H, now my Ex, until I taught myself how to stop. I suppose that is the best you can do. Stop thinking about it all. Easier said than done I know.

Hopefully since your brother is planning on getting married again, he will be so busy with his own life he will give up.

Vicar-I'm sorry to hear this, I enjoy your posts and have such respect for you having built the life that you want. I don't know, but I suspect, that your brother will pop up from time to time as he continues to seek your approval. The genuine 'sorting out' that you want to see he can't offer now-maybe in the future but not know. This isn't your fault or your responsibility. Keep ploughing your own farrow and let him plough yours.

Wishing you luck.

One piece of what I hope is practical advice (coming from someone who also works in a job which requires not just security clearance but periodic renewal of security clearance) - have a word with your line manager/HR. Keep it factual - brother's history, your decision to cut contact, have heard he is trying to contact you (against your wishes). That way you're in the clear if, for instance, he approaches you in McDonalds and someone sees the two of you together and decides to go telling tales.

It sounds like a nightmare situation - you have my sympathies. But the potential repercussions at work are manageable if you're upfront about them I think. The personal stuff is a nightmare - hope you can surround yourself with good friends in RL.

thanks - luckily i live in another town and given that i havent seen him in many a year i think if i did bump into him i wouldnt know who he is....

its just tiring and now its involving others who probably really dont want or need to get involved.

Have you considered consulting a solicitor? As far as I know, it should be possible to get a court order to make these people leave you alone - no adult has any actual right to a relationship with another adult when contact is unwanted. Repeated attempts to make contact with someone who has made it clear that s/he wants nothing to do with you is technically harassment even if you are blood relatives.
It might be that a strongly-worded letter from a solicitor stating that you will take further action if he continues to pester you would be enough to make him back off.

Hi OP. What he's doing is harassment, and if you've got £150 and can take a day off work you can get an injunction through your local county court.

All the court needs to know is that: you wish no contact, any contact could harm you professionally (give reasons), there have been two or more instances.

This is the difficult bit: courts like "all possible avenues explored". That means sending him a Letter Before Action. It should promise legal action unless contact ceases, and it should include an undertaking for him to sign. Probably best to use another address for correspondence.

This is helpful: www.injunction-direct.com/faq.html

I remember what you were going through last time when this all kicked off.

These people are not normal. Unlike you or I they do not realise that someone not contacting them means they want nothing to do with them. They simply cannot comprehend this simple understanding.

All they understand is they want something so they go get it.

I am not a therapist/psychologist or anyone with a brain however your brother and your mum did what they wanted in life no matter the cost to anyone else. This is their nature, their basic set up (selfish wankers). It may be that your brothers has come about because of his childhood. Your mother caused that maybe because of her childhood.

You have broken free of the mould. They haven't. They just don't get it and no attempt to make them get it will work.

All you can do is keep yourself away from them and tell any 3rd party to keep out.

/hugs

yeah cheers all - i am steering well clear and have asked 3rd party not to divulge any personal info.

the problem with harassment legislation is that he has not contacted me directly, and not twice within 6 months. (i work with this legislation a lot - im a cop)

so harassment wont wash - i think even getting a solicitor involved is giving them too much attention tbh....

this message has been sent to my relative requesting my address....not to me directly - she just thought i should know and forwarded it on to me.

i think i will continue to steadfastly ignore. feel a bit stronger and definitely feel stronger than i did at last contact. I caved then but im not going to this time - im very clear about not wanting to go back there.

Ah sorry OP, I'd forgotten your job. My own harasser was much more obliging.

I've seen your growth vicar, and you're such a fab MNER, really inspirational.

I know you feel powerless, and it's hideous.

I know you can't actually act on this from a legal standpoint yet, but sadly you may still have a chance in the future. They won't give up, that's not how fucked up dysfunctional families work.

If they were aware of their harm, and backed off as a result, they'd not be dysfunctional, would they?

I know you've confronted so much in your life. Sadly there will be more to confront in thé future. But it's not your fault lovey, it really isn't.

This is going to go the whole way I think. Perhaps if you try to prepare yourself for that, it might be easier for you to get through it?

You have us Vicar, lean as much as you can/want to?

I feel the same way. My dad tries every so often to get to me through friends of mine. Each time it does upset me as you describe here. But all you can do is rebuff each attempt and retain radio silence, and then forget it. Let them try as much as they want, just be cool and stay back xx. The main thing is, they may not change or go away, so you may have to pick up your sword and defend your boundaries from time to time. X

aw thank you guys.....you are all lovely and very kind actually (nest of vipers my arse!)

i feel a bit sad for him really that he is so desperate to tell me what he is doing - and im a bit more sad that it means absolutely nothing to me.

he seems to think he is making huge leaps forward when in fact he just doesnt have the tools. He is a good deal younger than me, but by his age i had worked out what was damaging to me and cast it adrift, however much that hurt.

it is really hard, its heartbreaking really that he needs to convince me so badly that he is on the straight and narrow.
but i was on the straight and narrow from day one, and no one particularly gave a shit. i got married at 19. had my son, then my dd at 25, i gave my 20s and most of my 30s to them, but for me thats normality - yet for my poor brother it seems that its cause for celebration (which it would be if it were for real)
i cant help him. i dont really like him. he is volatile and unstable and i do think 10 years of drug addiction and continued problems with weed and booze have made him into a person i dont recognise and dont much like.

its sad.
but i recognise its not my problem. letting him in would be my problem. im happy as i am. im in no doubt about my decisions.