Justified in feeling guilty?

[Ilovebreakfast]

I have been with dh a long time and have dc. We are generally happy although this year has been difficult with a new baby.
About 4 years ago I had what I now know to be an emotional affair with a work colleague. It lasted about 4 months and we became close. We kissed a few times and things could have gone further but I stopped it. I was totally in the wrong, enjoyed the attention etc. I came to my senses and put a stop to it. Avoided him at work etc and gradually he became a memory that I wasn't proud off. I can't believe how stupid I was. The guy has since left my work. My dh never found out, as rightly or wrongly whatever it was was over and the feelings had gone. It was something that had just got out of hand. I saw no benefit in telling dh.
However, we have been having a few issues this year. Dh has upset me a few times, looking at porn when he knows I hate it, looking up girls on Facebook etc. I know he has never had an affair. However when he does these things although I get really angry and hurt, I feel as though I have no right to be angry given my behaviour re the emotional affair. Although my dh has done something that I know to be wrong and he does too, it feels wrong to be angry with him as he has no idea what happened with my colleague.
I'm not sure what I'm asking, but any thoughts or advice would be helpful. It's like I shouldn't get jealous if he works with an attractive girl as I've done the same, he just doesn't know.

This is a tough one, I guess another reason not to mess about in relationships, if more were needed.

I think you were right not to tell him at the time if, and thats strictly only if, he did not suspect and it had not got to the stage where it had affected your marriage.

To tell in these circumstances seems like causing pain for no reason other than to lessen your guilt.
Is your issue that now you feel you have no right to ever be upset with him?
What woudl happen if you tried to talk to him and try to find out why he was looking at porn?
Also who are the girls he looks up on facebook? that sounds a bit odd as dont you have to already know someone before youcan contact them? I could be wrong about this as I hardly ever use facebook.

two wrongs don't make a right. does he know of your past dallience? his behaviour is in no way justifiable. I think it's sad that you both behave like this, and, unfortunately would guess it points at deeper problems, and an overal lack of honesty in the relationship.

aside from the actions of both of you already mentioned, do you or he exhibit any other things that you adding to this topic might help shape and give us a better picture of the situation? we need more, really!

Could I just add - realising that I am on thin ice after the Jamie oliver reply shenanigans - that this quote from chyochan is very debatable, to say the least?

I think you were right not to tell him at the time if, and thats strictly only if, he did not suspect and it had not got to the stage where it had affected your marriage.
To tell in these circumstances seems like causing pain for no reason other than to lessen your guilt.

I really don't understand this! Are we allowed to pick other peoples posts apart like this? I think we should be allowed, and not be accused of trolling. to off topic?

I think it's a mistake to compare them. You need to tackle them as issues in their own right.

You have been married a long time and you say you have both been generally happy. Neither of you have actually had a physical affair although you have both behaved inappropriately (although he doesn't know that). I'd use that as a starting point to deal with these issues in your marriage NOW, before one of you - probably him if he's repeatedly behaved like this - crosses the line.

You can use your experience and guilt to show understanding towards his behaviour so that he doesn't feel defensive, while at the same time couching it in terms of really improving your communication and building a better marriage. It doesn't need to be accusatory.

We have been together 18 years and my dalliance 4 years ago was the only time I have been 'unfaithful'. It was an emotional affair that had crossed the line to kissing. Totally wrong. Of course dh and I sometimes find others attractive, we joke and laugh about it as I think it's normal to sometimes like other people (we're not plants with no feelings!)
My dh has been a great dh over the years. But of course there has been tough times during those years. We have worked at our marriage when needed.
Since the birth of dc3, there has been te normal strain of new baby etc. I found dh was looking at porn and using FB to look up girls (always attractive ones!) we know. I was upset by this given the vulnerabilities you have after a baby. Not nice behaviour on his part. He is remorseful etc and we are much happier now. I just feel very uncomfortable that when things like this crop up (re behaviour towards opposite sex), it feels hypocritical to be cross and upset due to the emotional affair I had. My dh had no idea this has happened.
Can you be upset with someone knowing that you probably did worse, but they don't know about it?

I don't think it's a question of blame or guilt. Human beings make mistakes, sometimes very serious ones. In your case, you had an emotional fling, possibly because you felt neglected or undesired. You did the most intelligent thing and focused on your partner.

I think you need to talk to your partner about how you feel. Personally, I don't see watching porn as something terrible because I don't think the women are exploited and because it's rather impersonal for the men who watch it (i.e. they are not emotionally invested in the women - it's a purely visual stimulus). I would be upset about ogling women on FB, though. In any case, I think it's a mistake similar to yours.

So talking about guilt or blame is not really that useful. I think you should tell your partner how you feel, find out whether he feels neglected, etc. and then try to focus on each other more (as you did in the past). Having a new baby is a difficult time, and it's hard to keep a good balance. So my advice would be to try and connect more with each other.

Best of luck.

Of course you can.

It's an admirable quality to show compassion and understanding for people's shortcomings and wrongdoings. Often, that compassion comes from empathy borne as a result of a similar mistake/experience. Nothing like a little humility and all that. Empathy is not the same thing as tolerating bad behaviour though. You can have one without the other.

If we all allowed other people's bad behaviour to go unchecked on the basis that we're no better (and often we're not), we'd pretty soon live in a completely lawless society. Social judgement is a powerful tool.

I don't think it was any coincidence that my emotional affair occurred shortly after returning to work after maternity leave. The stress of family life and working and feeling you are all things to all people makes you lose your identity a bit. The connection I felt with the om and feeling desired and sexy again was addictive. I did wake up though and now I see it for what it was.
Dh behaviour has also occurred shortly after our new baby. It seems a new baby is a massive trigger and we have both looked for some ''fullfillment' outside our marriage. Me with a work colleague and dh inappropriate use of Internet!
I suppose it just hurts that he may have feelings for other women like I had for my colleague.
He has started working closely with an attractive colleague at work. He has said he enjoys working with her as its nice to have a female angle. He has done nothing to suggest any inappropriate behaviour, but I suppose alarm bells gave gone off because I know how easily things escalate.
I'm due back at work after maternity soon and I know it will be a vulnerable time for both of us given the stress of a young family and pressures of work. And of course I have the hindsight of experience!
Any advice?

I'd just talk to him about it.

Tell him you're feeling a bit insecure after having the baby and being worried about going back to work. Tell him all the stuff you've mentioned on here about losing your sense of identity. Then tell him that you know you don't have to worry about this other woman, but knowing something rationally isn't the same as knowing something emotionally. You need his reassurance.

That will open up the conversation. You can then touch on the issues which you've rightly identified as triggers. Make it an almost academic discussion. If you've had friends who have had an affair, use their example as a discussion point. Talk about how most affairs are about how the married person feels about themselves as a result of having that affair, rather than the person they are having the affair with. IT could almost be anyone, as long as there is an initial spark of sexual or intellectual attraction. As you mentioned above, it's about feeling desirable, unique, important, non domestic.

You can discuss all these things without talking about your past indiscretion or accusing him of one. Just talk to him about it in terms of needing reassurance. The seeds you have sown will hopefully be enough to get him to do his own thinking and affair-proofing.