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Original poster

How to make up to my mum for this?

19 replies

BumbleChum · 16/09/2013 09:23

15 years ago, my mother gave me a set of expensive china (because she was upset that I was 30 and unmarried and therefore didn't have a good set of china given as a wedding present, and she felt I shouldn't miss out).

Anyway, since then I did get married (though didn't receive any china!) and went on to have kids etc. etc. All that time, the china has sat in a cupboard, unused. I'm not particularly a 'best china' sort of person, we just have a set of plain white china that we're happy using for everything and it doesn't matter when some breaks.

We were having some work done this summer, I cleared out the cupboards and gave a lot of stuff away to charity - including this china.

Very unfortunately, my mum came to visit this week, popped into the charity shop and saw someone buying the set of china. She realised it must be mine and is very upset.

I feel terrible that she is upset, and I didn't realise quite how expensive it was (it came from the 'seconds' shop but it turns out that wasn't as much of a discount as I imagined).

But I still don't feel that I should have kept it (I definitely now feel that I should have spoken to her first, so that she could take it back). I just don't think that I will ever be bothered about 'setting a nice table'. It's just not me, and I think part of the reason my mum is upset is because of that, not because of the china itself IYSWIM - I think it's perhaps just one of the many ways that I'm not the daughter she would like, and it's hard for her to accept.

Any suggestions for ways to make it up to her? I have apologised profusely, but that isn't making her feel better.

OP posts:

hillyhilly · 16/09/2013 09:37

Stop apologising, she gave you a gift that she wanted you to have, you kept it for 15years before getting rid of it!
You didn't ask for it, want it or even use it, she shouldn't punish you for not being "the daughter she wanted to have", I'm sure you are a lovely daughter.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 16/09/2013 09:37

Gosh that was a bit of bad luck wasn't it!
As you said in your second to last para., I think this is more of a control issue in that you have different values to her and she will never wholey accept and celebrate the real YOU because you are not her.
Don't feel too bad it really is not the crime of the century.

Theas18 · 16/09/2013 09:39

Learn to use charity shops in other areas

I can understand both sides.

LineRunner · 16/09/2013 09:44

Wow, she had a lot invested in that one present, didn't she?

I agree you should stop apologising. Let time do it's thing.

LineRunner · 16/09/2013 09:45

its

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/09/2013 09:45

You have already apologised and I honestly believe that after that, you can't do anything that will make her feel better. She has to come to terms with whatever it is that is making her feel sad/unhappy/whatever by herself.

You are not the daughter she would like???? To hell with that. You are lovely and thoughtful and perhaps someone who likes china will get to use the stuff that you had that was gathering dust in some cupboard for the past ages.

You were given a set of china and you kept it for 15 years...15 YEARS and she, during that time didn't need to see it or use it or anything but the time that she sees a pattern just like it ( We all know it was the set you were given but surely there was more than one set of that pattern sold in the UK, right ) in a charity shop she gets upset?

I honestly don't know of anyone in my age range (mid to late 30's) that has a 'good china' set. We have durable dishwasher safe plates & mugs (I don't know anyone that uses cups & saucers - am I weird that way?).

If you're still worried about her being upset, buy her a bunch of flowers, say sorry one more time and if she can't move past it, surely she could buy it back (and be doing a good deed by giving the money to charity in the process)?

Original poster

BumbleChum · 16/09/2013 09:51

Yes, it was unbelievably unlucky that she saw it. She doesn't usually go in there. It is a very unusual design. She said at first she thought 'oh, if I'd been quicker, I could have got it to add to Bumblechum's set, but then realisation gradually dawned - she knew we'd done a clear out and taken the stuff there.'

Whatchamacallit - yes, I don't think many people my age have 'best china' really. My mum is also rather upset that we are planning to change the 'dining room' (which only ever gets used to eat in at Christmas) in such a way that it can't have a dining table in it any more. We always eat in the kitchen (which is big and has a proper table in it). Mum keeps saying 'but what when other families come round' and can't quite get her head round the idea that they will eat in the kitchen! In my 70s childhood, she did an awful lot of 'entertaining' of the type that I never do (dining room, best china, two choices of main course and three choices of dessert etc. etc.)

OP posts:

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 16/09/2013 09:59

Bumble
Think yourself lucky, my mother gave me a chinese china tea-set with bamboo handles, yes bamboo handles! ;-(

Original poster

BumbleChum · 16/09/2013 10:04

ha, keepcool, that would not be a problem for me - it wouldn't have lasted a week in this house!

OP posts:

RabbitsarenotHares · 16/09/2013 14:24

No advice, but am relieved to find someone in a similar situation. Was actually thinking about starting a thread about it myself.

Like you, my mother hates the fact I am not her clone. I'm close to her than my sister, and thus I think she feels I should be like her, and is disappointed each and every time she realises I'm not. I find it hurtful that she doesn't accept me for who I am and what I do.

Even with the crockery there are similarities - I was chatting to a friend of mine who'd been given my mother a hand moving stuff around in her house. My mum's still got some books of mine (quite a lot) which I have said I no longer want, but she won't get rid of them and my friend remarked that perhaps she should have boxed them up and got rid of them.

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for ideas!

CailinDana · 16/09/2013 15:53

I'm not surprised you didn't keep it - the reason she gave it to you was really nasty. Is she generally quite critical?

Selks · 16/09/2013 16:02

I can understand her feeling upset actually. It was a gift that she gave to you and while she 'shouldn't' have invested emotionally in it, sometimes it's hard not to feel that a 'rejected' gift is somehow a 'rejection' of the giver or of the love and thought that went into giving it.

I'm not saying that in any way to make you feel guilty, OP, (I don't believe you have need to feel guilty as such), but to put a possible other side to your mother's reaction as there has been some negativity directed towards your mum's possible motives and reaction that seems a bit unkind imo.

Perhaps a conversation about it would be the best thing, you can let her know that you did not mean for her feelings to be hurt, and she can maybe explain why she was hurt then you can both put it behind you. Maybe a little gift of some flowers or a home baked cake to let her know you love her might help her feel a bit better.

Original poster

BumbleChum · 16/09/2013 18:48

No there were no bad motives - she is a very kind person and really her whole life has been and still is spent doing things for others. I think this is part of the problem in a way..

I was very happy being single/having boyfriends I didn't net d to marry at that stage of my life but with hindsight she saw it as a tragedy . She often made comments about me needing a pet for companionship which totally baffled me. But she married young so a totally different take on life.

Rabbits - it sounds like you are experiencing something similar. Many years ago my brother had a girlfriend who was v similar to my mum in many ways and I could see how much happier my mum was in her company than in mine.

I am just such a different person in many ways. And yet the fails that my mum finds hardest to put up with in me- stubbornness, decided opinions, inability to compromise on certain issues - are actually all her own! She would never agree and blames them on my dad I think

OP posts:

youvegotmail · 16/09/2013 20:14

Awwww it is a shame. I think you can only say, 'I'm sorry that us giving away the tea set hurt your feelings mum. I really appreciated the gesture and the love behind the gesture, but the tea set itself was unused for 15 years and that just seems a waste. But I am sorry to have hurt you as I never wanted to do that.' and then LEAVE IT. You can only say sorry and explain your position, you can't fix it and tbh you haven't really done anything wrong, although I can see why your mum would feel hurt.

GrendelsMum · 16/09/2013 22:34

Oh dear, what a shame.

I do think it was a very thoughtful idea of hers - really nice to give her adult daughter a big expensive present, and not to make it dependent on the daughter finding a man.

I think that You'veGotMail has said it all. Show you appreciate the love and the thought, and you won't forget that, although the tea-set itself was given away.

(FWIW, DH and I love fancy china for entertaining. We have about 4 different sets of varying levels of 'best'ness. I think it's fun to really dress up the table and make it look great on an ordinary day.)

mirry2 · 16/09/2013 22:46

I love having best china and a proper 'do' but don't do it nearly often enough.

Horsemad · 16/09/2013 23:02

My MIL always used to try and get me to pick a dinner service so that she could buy me a piece at Xmas & birthdays!

I nevet went along with it, just happy with my Denby Everyday stuff from Tesco!

Don't feel guilty, she gave it to you and it was entirely your choice not to keep it.

nocoolusernameY0 · 17/09/2013 13:05

You've apologized already, what more can you do? It isn't up to you to make up for not being '...the daughter she would like'.

I bought my dad a big expensive set of china a few years ago - he seemed to like that sort of thing. More recently he was giving me some of his cast offs - I never refuse a freebie - and the box contained some of the pieces I'd given him. He handed it to me with the phrase "If you don't want it, just throw it out, I'd have binned it all anyway". He'd already binned the rest of the set. I laughed my head off. I knew he was grateful for me going to the effort of giving him something in the first place, this wasn't negated by the fact that he didn't want to keep it. It's unreasonable for your mum to behave negatively towards you because of this.

springyduffy · 17/09/2013 13:59

How long ago did this happen? You may just have to give her the time to get over it. Being sorry will help but other than that, she'll have to get through it in her own time. It hurts for a present, that you expected to be akin to an heirloom, to be rejected. That's just that, nobody's fault.

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