Should I cut all contact with my controlling dad?

[obviouslyneedsupernanny]

This is going to be long and quite jumbled as I'm just writing it all as it comes into my head.

We have always had a bad relationship although it has worsened recently. He is very controlling and manipulative. He was the same way with my mum until they separated as she was not the type of woman to put up with it. His new wife is quiet, never expresses any opinion on anything unless it is an echo of what he thinks, so obviously he is in his element there. He isn't psychically abusive but verbally and mentally to her, was to my mum, and to me and my sister.

Constantly putting us down, if we make any small choice in life he doesn't agree with or think its a good idea, he acts like you are choosing to do it just to hurt him and will go into a major sulk and come out with things such as 'I wash my hands of you' 'after all I've done for you!' Etc, only to make contact a few days later.

For example my sister dated someone black (we are white) and to him this was the biggest drama ever and he wouldn't talk to her. He doesn't just sulk though. He will scream in your face and has made me cry by doing this many times as it can be really intimidating and his comments cruel and hurtful.

I am a single parent and he often comes out with gems such as 'that poor kid is a victim of circumstance' 'that poor kid doesn't know whether he's coming or going' for no reason at all. This comments usually come after I have been on a night out as this apparently means I am putting myself before my son and I am a terrible mother.. He was always at the pub when we were young though of course.

Anyway a few days ago, he found out via Facebook that I was on a date with another woman (I posted another thread about that) and he is so furious and has now decided that this is unforgivable. He bombarded me on my date with horrible texts, harassed my sister for information of what she knew and acted as if I was just out with her to enrage him.

That was a few days ago and I haven't seen him or spoken to him other than a few texts 'thanks, thanks a lot. You do what you want despite what I think. Broadcasting it on favebook is not a wise move' etc. I didn't broadcast anything, I checked in to the restaurant we were at on Facebook. I ignored his texts and calls. Last night he sent another aaying he didn't care if I didn't speak to him but will be still have regular contact with my son as he means the world to him. This of course made me feel sorry for him and guilty for ignoring him and I replied saying yes although now I'm regretting that.

I think I want to cut all ties with him once and for all but I'm worried maybe I am overreacting and this is too drastic? He puts £20 a week in my account to help me out and is going on about how unbelievable my behaviour is after all he does to help me. I don't even want his bloody money if being treated like this is one of the conditions of it.

Sorry it's so long and muddled and nt sure what I'm asking, I would just appreciate some other perspectives on this other than mine and my sisters! Thank you

I would cut ties. However, it's a lot easier to say than it is to do. Whatever you decide I wish you luck and a happier life.

You would not be unreasonable to cut him out.

If it helps, you can think of it as temporary, until you know what you want.

My dad can be like this. Different issues, but similar behaviour. I cut him out for two years until he could speak to me civilly and stop playing games. We have made efforts to rebuild our relationship since and whilst not perfect, there is less of a power imbalance. The money is a control mechanism. If you can, try to do without it.

Oh I am fine money wise and wouldn't even notice his £20 being gone. He text me a while ago telling me he won't be paying it anymore though.

That text is of course your cue to say sorry and beg forgiveness. Ignore it. You can't change him, but you can change how you react.

My dad is a controlling abusive bully too. Some years ago he was going through a lengthy phase of behaving abominably. I had been in hospital and my mother wanted to help. I got cross with him for his dreadful behaviour, told him he would not see his grandchildren if he treated me the way he was going, told him that his interfering was unacceptable.

I don't think he realised how awful he was being. I have never been angry with him about specific things before and it didn't feel rewarding immediately either. But, I did realise that I had been angry about angry-making things to the person who was causing the upset instead of getting angry with other people because of the pain.

Since then our relationship has shifted and his behaviour towards me is as normal as it will ever be and much better.

If you do confront him, be very specific, and be very clear about the consequences of his behaviour. He is behaving like a child and it's your turn to be the adult.

Jesus, he sounds like mine!

Not really got any advice, I'd like to say I'm all strict with mine, if he goes too far it turns into all out war but then I also ignore the majority of his bad behaviour.

I don't know whether cutting ties with him is the way to go, especially if he's good with ds because it would be unfair for him to miss out. If he's anything like mine he'll just back off the issue eventually, when I say back off obvs still with snarky comments occassionally! Xx

Mines currently in a strop that he wasn't invited to tea when fil was invited. This was 2 days after we had just got back from a week away with him!!! So I'm a dreadful daughter now. Since having ds though his opinion means a lot less as is my tolerance!

Good luck and stay strong. Hope the date went well x

Thanks for all the replies. He apologised which is very out of character And I've decided to talk to him again but very much on my terms now. I'm not going to put up with even one criticism from him and will not have him talk to me like that in front of my son. Hopefully he knows I'm serious this time due to me not going along with his strop.

Thanks again