High maintenance mums

[Notsoyummymummy1]

My mum has always been hard work to deal with - she's very generous but extremely overbearing, she behaved terribly when I was getting married causing me to go to the doctors with stress and since my daughter was born she has started again. She goes into a sulk if we go to my inlaws, if she hasn't seen dd wear something she has bought and the worse thing is she throws a tantrum if I don't contact her every day or answer my mobile because she is worried "something's wrong". It's difficult to have time to always phone or text when you're looking after a little one and if I'm changing her I can't answer the phone. She has always been overbearing and I had a hard time at school because of it but on the other hand she can be very generous. Does anyone else have an overbearing mother and how do you handle it?

Mine is a bit like that and was much much worse when grandchildren came on the scene - it s never about the kids - it s all about her.
I was so stressed out at the time of our wedding too !
I have found cognitive behavioural therapy has given me the strength to take back some of my own life. It helps that I live 2 hours away too. I have also found if ignoring the tantrums and emotional blackmail, and sometimes standing up for myself and calling it what it actually is and letting her know I will not be manipulated helpful and empowering (done in a firm not nasty and spiteful) way.
One thing I did was lay down boundaries firmly and enforce them - ignore if she chooses to sulk. You ve got your child now to think about it s difficult if you re being emotionally controlled and on edge because of someone else s whims. I vowed I wouldn't be that mum who makes her kids responsible for her self worth and happiness it s a lot to heap on a child. You might consider some counciling as it s difficult to put emotional distance when it s been a habit and way of life for a while. But you owe it to yourself and your child to do so. You ll find yourself so much happier when you do too.

I could have written your post, especially the jealousy of the in laws. I have also noticed that the generosity is only on her terms or to give her justification for her sense of entitlement. I also discovered my email addresses and passwords written down in her bag, so she is spying on me! How she got hold of them I've no idea.

I don't know how to handle it, I wish I could give you some advice. I'd love to talk to a counsellor about it but I can't afford it and I don't speak the language of the country I live in so it would be nearly impossible. On the other hand, moving overseas and creating physical distance has really helped!! I hope you get some better advice soon and I'm watching with interest.

As turquoise said, BOUNDARIES! putting these firmly in place has been invaluable when dealing with my own overbearing 'smother' mother (with narc tendancies....but that's another thread!).

Ignoring bad/attention seeking behaviour, rising above and living how YOU want to. And you know what, these days I actually feel a little sorry for my mum that she's so unaware how she is (that's probably a little condescending to 'feel sorry' for her but hey!). Good luck, not an easy situation to deal with but you'll get there!

Marking place/joining thread, just got off the phone to mine, too miffed to type it all out

I often feel like that after talking to mine LEM!

oh and Notso I forgot to say that these overbearing mums can kind of rob us of the ability to develop a good and healthy sense of 'self' in childhood and to feel safe expressing ourselves/standing up for ourselves (as we feel so overwhelmingly responsible for their happiness..), so take back the power and keep telling yourself that you have the right to live exactly how you want.

Yes! 2.5 hours on the phone last night, explaining why my sisters MIL is the devil incarnate...

Marking as I'm really interested :)

I can relate to so much being said on this thread - one thing i know, i must not be like this with my DDs!

I have similar fears LEM as due any day with my first baby, and I'm really worried I've inherited a lot of her personality. At least being aware of it must help.

I've worried about it too (with my DD's)..so much so that I seem to do the absolute opposite to my mum in certain situations! but I think the pendulum has swung back and it's somewhat in the middle IYSWIM.

Being self-aware is hugely important to safe-guard against I think..

^ Yup same here, I am the total polar opposite with my beloved dd to how my mum was / is with me, it's my mission after all the anxiety & unhappiness she's contributed in my 32 years!

There are some great books out there if you can't afford counselling or access it where you're living for free (I've had some private counselling but also CBT through the NHS which was great), just go to Amazon & search for toxic parents & daughters of narcissistic mothers - I can't remember the exact titles off the top of my head, but they should come up.

OP - I could have written your post myself, I have come to the conclusion that my mum is like the child & I'm the one that has to be the adult in the relationship & rise above it all. You do end up feeling sorry for them in a way, they are caught up in their own bubble & so far removed from what's normal & rational.

See then I start to feel guilty about what I'm saying, hearing her in my head saying how families must be loyal & never talk to others about their business - classic guilt tripping & enmeshment. They know what they're doing... Or do they?! : o

Gosh that sounds so familiar. I certainly couldnt say as some of the later posters have that my mum is narcissistic but certainly I could have written the op's post. Sorry its probably not helpful for you but its helpful to read it written down as I sometimes feel that its me thats at fault as all I get is a constant guilt trip of her complaining she doesn't see the childlren enough, that she bends over backwards for us etc etc and we're ungrateful and its been like that all my life. Shes an amazing, kind, generous mother if we're doing what she wants but if we're not its a nightmare. Throws all her toys out of the pram, constant putdowns and she complains that I don't involve her in my life enough but if I do she just belittles me and makes silly jokes about me in front of my friends. I love her and she loves me but things have to be on her terms or its a nightmare. I haven't handled it well because unfortunately we moved to live near her and Ive suffered anxiety really badly since having my children and its always about her and how it affects her and there have been plenty of rows. Now like others have said I just try to keep her at a distance and keep her separate from the rest of my life, seeing her as much as I can in neutral places , out of our houses where it feels less claustrophobic. She has after the rows stopped with the endless texts but Im not sure if its because shes started doing it more with my other sisters who dont seem to mind her behaviour as much

My mother could run BSc courses in overbearing. :) I live 200 miles away - that helps. She still tries to tell me what to do, still takes offence at petty things, still picks fights but I'm now terribly brave and tell her she's being ridiculous rather than letting it get to me. Now she's getting quite elderly we're adding 'confusion' to the mix - not good. Good luck

Good advice on here. Tangerinefeathers, I think you are right. What is tricky is dealing with the guilt as I have either been born with it or trained to feel it!! I also get 'how would you feel if your daughters don't want to do this and this with you when you're older 'but I am hoping very much that I won't be so overbearing and they may want to include me more and that if they don't I will understand they have their own life and get on wth mine. Like others said, it is a worry that I may become my mum!

I can totally relate to this. I think the guilt is the result of the endless emotional blackmail in my case. The crying and sulking if we don't do as she wants. Sometimes it's for really petty things - like the colour I've painted my bedroom in my own house. You have all reminded me that I need to back off with my own dd a bit. Mine can go on for hours running down someone that died 20 years ago. I can't spend more than 24 hours with her but she constantly demands we go on holiday with her. She has in the past booked accommodation, even though I've said we're not going. The phone ringing really gets to me though - if the landline is engaged, she rings every other mobile in the house repeatedly until someone answers. It drives me insane. My sympathies.