To stay or to go?

[anon764]

Hi all.

I really need some advice on what is going on in my relationship and whether its worth fighting for anymore.

I have been with my BF for 3 and half years and we live together. I have a daughter (7) and he has a son (6) both from a previous relationship. I have helped him battle through the courts for contact with his son and this has been a huge pressure on our relationship and is on going, I feel like I cant step back from this as he relies on my help and opinions a lot.

On top of this we argue and bicker a lot. We are quite different people and I think we clash somewhat. He is quite a defensive person and I can be quite demanding and controlling too.

Our relationship has been a rollercoaster with us going through a lot together. The beginning was difficult as I was so in love with him but he was guarded and scared of commitment and later found out he was suffering with depression. things settled down after a year and he committed to me completely and moved in with me over a year ago.

We nearly broke a while ago due to the same issues we have now, bickering, arguing and generally not getting on but stuck at it and things improved although on my part doubts about the relationship always snuck in if we argued at all. We then tried to buy a house earlier this year and unfortunately this fell through which was awful as we were both so excited about it. It feels as though we have been very rocky since then and I told him I wanted to split last week. We both admitted we haven't been happy and that we both haven't made much effort.

He is devastated and to be honest so am I. I have never felt so unbelievably upset in my life and cant get the thought out of my head that I have made a mistake. He thinks we can work at it and try and change for good but I just don't want to keep going at it because I'm scared it wont work and we'll have to go through this pain again and were wasting time. were both early 30's

Is it normal to feel this upset? is it normal to keep doubting your relationship. Should a 3 and half year relationship be this hard work?

We are different and sometimes I wish he was a happier more easy going person which he can be but it doesn't seem to last. We don't laugh together much and it feels like we've let everything slip.

The positives are that we trust each other 100%, there is no jealousy at all, we are both responsible and reliable and have the same goals in life. we both want a child together and he is a great stepdad to my daughter. We appreciate that we both need our own space as well as time together etc.

He thinks we can change, I'm not sure if people do change.

Any advice appreciated.

What do you bicker about?

Anything and everything,mainly everyday little things. Its more at times that were not getting on though. He's quite defensive so example ill say, can you help me around the house a bit, i'm tired and sick of doing everything, his reply ' oh yeh cos I don't do anything do I, im such a s**t boyfriend blah blah blah' then I just give up cos I don't have the energy to have everything made an issue of. Its weird because he'll end up doing what I've asked, we just have to go through this before hand. communication isn't great, he finds it hard to listen to me and hear what i'm trying to say and instead seems to always be looking for a way to defend himself and attack if you know what I mean. Makes me want to bang my head against a wall!!!

Hmm poor communication can become a really serious problem. Plus it sounds like he doesn't pull his weight around the house- is that right?

Selfishness is a pretty huge waving red flag, IMO

I don't tolerate it. And neither should you.

My partner & I are both early 30s too with 7 year old daughter. We argue a lot, most of it petty but he says its cos I don't love him. Its dragged on for years - I'd say its been shit since at least 2008. I hate myself for staying with him and putting our daughter through it all but I guess I wanted her to have her parents together. We also tried to buy a house last year but it fell through. He kicked me today. I don't want any more children with him. Do you honestly think your partner would be a good father?

shall your partner kicked you ?

Your poor thing. That is seriously abusive. Have you RL support, love ?

Thanks for the replies. He isn't as lazy as its come across here. He is very handy around the house, DIY etc. He does do washing sometimes and will hoover and tidy up a bit. He loads the dishwasher after dinner. Baths and gets my daughter ready for bed if I ask him to and will collect her from school if he's home early enough. He gets complacent though and I have to remind him I need help too which then leads to a bit of bickering etc before he finally starts helping again. He works 6 days a week and I work 3 but take care of my daughter too. I help him a lot with his contact issue with his son and support him a lot emotionally and sometimes feel as though I don't get that emotional support back from him. I am a very independent person and I think he feels that I am such a strong character that I don't need some support, empathy or compliments sometimes. I like talking a lot and he doesn't really so I try and drag him into discussions about things and sometimes find myself frustrated at his lack of interest.

I know communication is so important but its always been our downfall. he tends to bury his head and not confront issues and then it all blows up. There isn't and has never been any abuse, he just isn't that sort at all. I love going out and having a few drinks and a laugh but he's not as sociable and that has caused issues.

shallistopnow- I know what you mean about needy! my fella says I don't love him as much as he loves me quite a lot and it annoys me. he thinks that we should be rainbows and hearts all the time and gets offended when I say I don't want to cuddle etc. He would be a good dad and is to his son and my daughter, very hands on and involved. I just feel almost as if I want him to man up and start looking after me and having my back if that makes sense? he does support us, he wouldn't think twice about taking my daughter and buying her clothes, shoes etc and he gives me more than enough money for bills. Did you say he kicked you?????

I really don't want to make the mistake of agreeing to try and sort things out and give it one last try to then have to go through all this heartache again one day. would I just be delaying the inevitable. He is determined that this has made him realise we both need to change and not let it fail. I must sound like I am looking for the 'perfect' person but I am sure that a relationship shouldn't be this hard work?

Yes he kicked me. I have a red mark on my thigh. I don't feel like I have any RL support as didn't feel like I could tell my parents/brother - couldn't be bothered explaining and crying. Nothing ever changes anyway. I hate him.

I see your new thread shall

Good for you. A small step, I think x

Sorry to say you don't sound very well suited anon.