Family member found not guilty of sexual assault

[99bottlesofwineonthewall]

Hi

I've left this a while as it was in the news, and have namechanged anyway just in case. Am sure I don't need to ask anyone who may recognise it not to out me :)

A relatively close family member of mine has been found not guilty of multiple sexual assaults. Basically, they admitted they did it, but said it was a "misunderstanding". Based on the type of person I know they are, as I know them, its not a random stranger who I just have to be civil to, I feel threatened by this and am worried about them being around my children (their attitude rubbing off, rather than the children being at risk)

I want to cut them out of my life, but I think I may face questioning about it from the rest of my family. At least one member of my family has already made excuses for the charges to my partner.

Any advice?

And do you think I am doing the right thing?

Cut them out quietly without explicitly saying so.

So - just say you're busy next time you are invited by them or know they are going to be somewhere you are going.

This way you will not face questioning about cutting them out - you can say you've just not seen them for a while.

Better to see someone infrequently than to have a big song and dance about cutting them off with all the repercussions.

Eh, what's to misunderstand?

Just cut them out. Anyone who wants to make an issue out of this or find excuses for this behaviour needs cutting out too.

Mike, I see it as black and white as that, as do my similar aged siblings!

I'm just trying to pre-empt the non-understanding of other less enlightened, probably older, members of my family
I'm not the best arguer, I want everything completely clear in my head before someone brings it up

Casually not seeing them may work at another time, but one of my children's birthdays is coming up. I am trying to think how to not invite this person, and not only not invite them but find a way to make sure extended family don't think I've forgotten them and invite them "for" me.

(Btw, sorry this reads so badly, am trying not to give any identifying details)

Just because they may "demand" (my quotes) an explanation does not mean you have to engage in the conversation. It is your decision and it is not open for debate or discussion. You are not obligated to offer a disertation justifying your parenting decisions to anyone.

Good for you in not being cowed into just following the herd.

And, yes with Mike. The reactions of others may indicate that additional boundaries may need to be made.

The thread about the vicar in AIBU had me worried, if they were found not guilty maybe its not fair for me to hold it against them?

You said it yourself: they admitted they didn't. The welfare of children needs to come before adult feelings, so this is a no-brainer. You're doing the right thing.

Eh? This person has admitted their guilt; presumably they were found not guilty of the specific charges made or there was some technicality why they were found not guilty. And if you know they have admitted their guilt, then presumably the other family members you talk about will know that too. So drop them. You don't need to socialise with people if you choose not to. And when it comes to occasional family events, you just don't invite them. Having said that, the occasional family birthday or wedding is not sufficient for his/her attitudes to 'rub off ' on your children. You say yourself you don't feel there is any direct threat to the wider family, it's more a case of not wanting them exposed to this persons attitudes. That sort of thing takes time and occasional meet ups at family events organised by others, won't be a problem

Ultimately this is an entirely different situation from someone who is genuinely not guilty- this person has admitted what they've done

Sorry, made a typo in my post - I meant to write they admitted they did it.

Change the format of the party, make it friends and very immediate family only.

What do your parents think of this? would they support you?

Hissy, I think that is what I'm going to do for the moment, and ensure we spend the actual day out so they can't just pop in. The "just leaving the house" thing I've seen mentioned before for unwanted visitors may be used - will have to make sure I am dressed at all times!

There are quite a few family occasions (that are not organised by me) coming up too, so I guess I'm going to have to see them. It'll be easier if I havent officially cut them off, but I'm just so annoyed that they have gotten away with it. I have kind of been on the other side, but my family don't know this. Part of me thinks they need to know that I, and others, find the whole thing disgusting and want nothing more to do with them. Do you see what I mean?

(Janey, it was a plea bargain)

You dont have to see this person, at all! They admitted the abuse, it's pretty clear cut to me, family gatherings or no, you do not have to be anywhere near this person

My related by marriage parent has always been a bit wary of this persons general attitude and is far from their biggest fan already, because they are basically a big spoilt brat.
The other has not mentioned it to me at all, but was livid about it according to their partner.

You absolutely don't have to socialise with this person OP, and the extended family you feel may have an issue with it are simply going to have to accept that.

Don't put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, the person in question admitted abuse, you need no other reason than that.

Just cut this person out of your life. End of. Brook no comments from anyone else.

A close relative of a very close friend spent time in prison for sexual offences. They are now out. I see and support the close friend regularly but avoid the relative. It's easier than you think. Ignore anyone that criticises you. If you HAVE to be in the same space as them, keep your children far away.

At the end of the day, you do what you think is best for your kids! X