I have been on here for a while, some posts but mostly a lurker on the lone parents / relationship boards which have been a great source of information and support over last year. I have nc’d because I need tailored help and want to be as candid as possible, though the following will out me to any of the few that know the whole story.
To prevent drip feeding, was with exp for 12 years, he was a (‘functioning’) drug addict all that time, issues with alcohol which got a lot worse when I got pregnant with ds1. He also has significant mental health issues, probably due to drug taking, so is distant, depressed often and unreliable. He recognises he needs psychiatric help to piece together what is missing from his emotional maturity but I wonder when / if he’ll ever do it. I was / am co dependant and enabled him (I now realise and fully accept). We have ds1 who is almost 3 and ds2 who is almost 1. We split up whilst I was pregnant with ds2. He stole an awful lot of money from his employers last year, which I only found out about days after I said I wanted to separate. He spent it on gambling, drugs and alcohol. He has always had problems with the truth, stolen from me and my family and friends, even my clients to fund habit. He narrowly escaped prison this year from the fraud, because as the judge cited, his probation report was one of the best he’d seen and my letter of support, where I am ashamed to admit I gave him a shining representation to keep him out of prison. I couldn’t face taking the boys there to see him and frankly I wondered what help it would do for him. Instead he got a hefty community service and curfew for 4 months. Everyone including his barrister, drugs counsellor etc was surprised at how he ‘got off’ so lightly. I know and his drugs counsellor (who he no longer saw once he was sentenced) know he has not fundamentally changed, feels little remorse just self pity. I write this as it is important to show how good he is at presenting himself. He has got every job he has ever been interviewed for as he is so brilliant at telling them what they want to hear, yet has been sacked from every single job too once they see what he is really like.
I sought legal advice in March after many drunken abusive visits, got a legal aid certificate and solicitor from one of the best in the country. However, since May I now have a consultant solicitor who I have no faith in as he rarely reads my emails in full when I update him, contradicts himself, poorly written replies and bad advice.
I realise now that my ex p emotionally, verbally, financially and mentally abused me for 12 years and still does when he can. I have got a great counsellor that has really helped me work through it all but I am still having trouble with him gas lighting and when he is abusive towards me. She can’t help me with contact issues and the solicitor can’t help me more than basic advice.
He wants more access –currently working on every other weekend and one day in the week. He wants as much time as possible. Every weekend and more or “he wonders whether he should see them at all”. Since we are both on benefits and public transport costs so much, he would come to my house, I would take the dc to his parents or we’d meet halfway. Halfway, is an hour by public transport and he says he doesn’t get enough time with the dc as they nap / have to be home for tea and bed. His parent’s house is 90mins by public transport; I go there weekly whilst he is incapacitated. I can’t trust his parents to supervise for other reasons and my parents live over an hour away by car. I have lots of friends for social support but they all have young children so can’t do anything more, nor would I ask. My siblings and oldest closet friends who I could rely on for childcare / practical support are hours away. I am on my own with this, which is fine, just to illustrate the situation.
Basically, after him threatening me with “I want every weekend with the children / they need to see more of me / you are evil” in my house whilst the dc napped and his parents went out for half an hour today, I felt extremely upset and realised that this forced period of good behaviour is coming to an end and I fear what will happen. I find it impossible to give him good reason why he can’t see the boys more often due to gas lighting and the way he communicates to me. I feel dumb and stupid. I am completely in fear after reading other boards, about going to court as he would see it as a performance to relish and fear the judge would side with him. I feel like I can’t explain why it would be so dangerous for the dc to be solely in his care but I know in my bones that it is, at the moment any way. He wants some kind of deadline of ‘being a good boy’ (his words) to work towards but I feel cornered and I don’t know even what I should be demanding. I just want the boys to be looked after and bought up with their best interests met. But I also need to make sure they and I am safe, emotionally, physically and mentally.
He turned up for a contact meet in July at 10am drunk and a bottle of vodka in his bag, and since then I have only allowed supervised contact sessions (to be fair he only took the boys out for an hour at a time on his own anyway, 3 or 4 times). Then 6 weeks ago, he lied to get a ‘night’ off his curfew and got drunk, I learnt tried to find cannabis and then got ‘mugged’ (He often gets into fights). He broke his ankle very badly ending up in hospital for a fortnight and meaning that since early august he has either been bought to my house by his parents or I have taken the dc to his parents house. He currently lives with his parents whilst on curfew. As far as I am concerned, his ‘good’ behaviour has been forced upon him by the tag, living with his parents and a broken ankle. I fear what he will be like in a couple of week’s time when the tag is removed and his cast is off. He has no friends left; the last one has given up after this last episode. He has no money and I expect will take ages to sort him into getting a place to live.
I know I am rambling. Honestly, I think he wants to spend more time in the house (he lived here until a year ago then he moved out to B&Bs / shared houses – kept getting thrown out !) with me and the boys, I am not even sure he would really want the boys all day to himself as he would find it too hard, I know he wants me around to do the work so he can do all the playing and be fun dad. He wants us to get back together. He wants to stay over nights to see more of the boys. I can’t let that happen. I don’t trust my solicitor to represent me - have complained but still his slapdash responses continue and I have so little time to come back at him. I think only I could make sure the dc best interests are served. I feel very alone in this, very scared by him – I don’t think he will be violent; he just is extremely intimidating and belligerent when angry, let alone when drunk.
It often is very nice to see him – this is what is so difficult. I do still care about him but never ever want to get back with him. I hope that he will sort himself out, get sober (he doesn’t see the need though I should add he hasn’t done any class a’s since Christmas 2012) and be able to have the dc for weekends and holidays so I can have a break and build a new personal life for myself, maybe meet someone new. I need to create and maintain good boundaries. I do think the dc get a great deal out of seeing him but I can’t trust him on his own which means I have to be there as I have no one else to help me in this. I think a contact centre would be a big step backwards and ds1 would certainly be disturbed by this change. Finally, for what its worth, he has seen more of the dc since we separated and been frankly a much better dad since then. Dc1 was used to ex p not being around at all and now seems happy with the arrangements we have.
Would the dc be better off seeing their dad more ? If not, what water tight statements can I have in my arsenal as to why this arrangement is best for the dc ? How do I create good boundaries whilst seeing him with the dc ? What should I be demanding of him and for how long ? It all feels like such a mess and very stressful. I am sorry this is so long. I have massive problems with communications and getting to the point. I don’t know what the point is and only just realised today what advice and support I actually need at the moment in this. Thank you so much for reading and any advice you have.