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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unfair?

23 replies

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/09/2013 21:10

Being a lone parent I have no one else to ask this.
Backstory ExH had affair with Mum in DD's class claimed he wanted to try again, but admitted in a relate session he was still seeing OW. So I said he had to go which he did. OW spends some of her time with ExH and some with her husband!

Since he left 15 months ago I have out DD always supported and facilitated her relationship with ExH and maintained what we told her that we weren't making each other happy (which I had to do as he wouldn't) even when she screamed at me 'that's not the real reason tell me the real reason'. She is now nearly 10.
Through out this time I have found school events horrible I feel like an intruder and have left in tears on two occasions as I just feel so uncomfortable with the whole situation often with ExH, OW and OW'sH being present sometimes all together! I have tried for 15 months to deal with it,but have reached the end of my tether.
There is another school that I would like DD to move to that her godmother and I looked at together and her godmother thinks it old suit her well. She can stay there till she is 18. DD is keen on the move.
ExH refuses to consider says I am being unreasonable an selfish. Not that it really makes any difference, but I pay the school fees so effectively am paying for the privilege to be miserable when I visit my child's school. So what does every one think?

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 15/09/2013 21:11

Sorry damn IPad correct I have always supported and facilitated his relationship with DD.

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 15/09/2013 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaDaBing · 15/09/2013 21:13

If your DD is happy to move then do it. Fuck him.

FetchezLaVache · 15/09/2013 21:14

I'd move her- DD's keen, the new school would suit her, you wouldn't spend school events feeling uncomfortable. All that has to trump continuity/convenience for your ExH!

DontCallMeDaughter · 15/09/2013 21:15

What are his reasons for wanting her to stay at the same school? Do you need his permission to move her?

My gut feeling is that this should be about what's best for your dd as it's her education... as long as dd wants to move schools and it's a school that suits her needs then yanbu.

InTheRedCorner · 15/09/2013 21:16

Your DD probably hates it all just as much as you do. If she is happy and it is a long term move then do it.

watchingout · 15/09/2013 21:18

Why does your exh have to "consider"? You pay the fees, you choose. Obviously DD has to be happy with the change, but it seems like that's covered.

You are not being selfish in this.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 15/09/2013 21:19

As PP have said if DD wants to move then thats what matters.

What an odd set up though, can't believe they are all together so amicably.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 21:20

Move your daughter's school

Brook no dissent

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/09/2013 21:24

I have taken legal advice and I can't just unilaterally make the decision to move her. My friends feel I need to lay the cards in the table that he has his new life, but that I can't make one.

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 15/09/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youvegotmail · 15/09/2013 21:28

Move her.

KiteSurfer · 15/09/2013 21:31

Wouldn't your Ex & OW still attend events at the new school if he still has a relationship with your/his DD?

NatashaBee · 15/09/2013 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2013 21:37

Didn't you post on this before? I've read something identical to this a few months ago. If you did why is the situation still same?

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/09/2013 22:00

Yes I have posted before and the situation is the same as he refused mediation even though I offered to pay.
They attend as for OW's DD not for my DD so no the wouldn't attend at other school.
Couldn't is different scenario to don't want to pay at that school.
I am quite a reserved person and relatively calm, so as yet has not laid out how awful this is too him in all it's glorious technicolor. My friends tell me I should now do this.
So I started the process this weekend suggesting we meet to talk about it and he is already on the 'you are so selfish'.

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 15/09/2013 22:02

The situation is the same as it is so much easier to just say a flat no and not consider anything else.

I am trying so hard to be civil.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 15/09/2013 22:06

I would move her if she is happy to. Does ow's dh know?

CookieDoughKid · 15/09/2013 22:12

Can your ex actually afford to bring a legal fight against you if u forced a move? What does your daughter think?

EverybodysStressyEyed · 15/09/2013 22:22

You say you can't make a unilateral decision but can your dd swing it? Surely if she wants to move it would be a harsh court that wouldn't allow it?

I assume she is coming up to 11+ so a natural time to move as well

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/09/2013 22:26

Lunar yes her H knows.

So the consensus is I am not being unfair. Thank you when you have no one else to talk to it can be hard to see if you are right or wrong.
The school in question actually has 10+ entry which s when DD would like to move.
I will go and meet him with the power of Mumsnet behind me.

OP posts:
EverybodysStressyEyed · 15/09/2013 22:29

Why is your dd keen to move? Maybe focus on that rather than your reasons.

Sounds an unhealthy relationship he has for himself into and I assume your dd finds it all quite disturbing

AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 22:30

I would just do it

let him try and contest it

I would assume he would get laughed out of court (if it even got that far)

what's the worst that could happen

I think the time for you to be cowed in important decisions like this is over tbh

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