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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there any hope?! Need some perspective.

29 replies

Itsallveryscary · 15/09/2013 20:41

This is a bit of a non problem, but I am fairly new to mumsnet (have a new DD), but I must admit, I am so saddened by some of the posts of MN. My heart really does go out to some of the ladies on here, who sound lovely and have been treated sooooo badly by their partners.

Yes there are some who sound like they may have 'picked a wrong un' and didn't know how to get out, or realised too late. But many, many of you sound like you really thought you had 'one of the good ones' and have been completely shocked and shattered by the levels of betrayal caused by the DH/DP.

I have just read the mid life crisis thread, and although it made me laugh out loud, it also made me so sad. As I know so many people who have suffered this. My own FIL did this to my MIL (although no other women). My workplace also seems to be filled with 50 year old men in suits who are having vasectomies reverse so they can impregnate their new 25 year old girlfiends, whilst the ExWife is all forgotten, and the ones who aren't, are shagging their secretaries. Its all so clichéd but happening!

Please can some people who have weathered small children, mid life crisis' and other drama's, without their DP/DH cheating on them, leaving them or EA them in some way come and reassure me, its not all inevitable.

Also please reassure me its probably just because I am feeling all vulnerable from having my DD (first time mum). My DH is a lovely man and although not perfect I genuinely think I have got a nice one.

Love, hugs, wine and genuine warm good luck wishes for the future, whatever you choose, to all those having a horrid time at the moment.

OP posts:
DustyBinAteMyCat · 15/09/2013 20:44

My parents were married for 45 years, my dad never treated my mum badly. I am so glad about that as otherwise i would share your worries. My brother is now repeating the same pattern. He is a lovely husband.

Not all men are nobs :-)

Lovingfreedom · 15/09/2013 20:45

I have no idea but tbh some of my newly separated friends and I having the times of our lives. I don't regard my marriage as failed...got two lovely kids...it's just over. Onwards and upwards!

DustyBinAteMyCat · 15/09/2013 20:45

And you sound lovely xx

Morgause · 15/09/2013 20:51

Met him when I was 17 and he was 19. Married at 24 and 26. Still married 38 years later.

Still love each other, still argue nearly every day. No big dramas. We've had family sadness but helped each other through it.

Life has been kind, on the whole.

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 21:06

Oh sweetheart I know that vulnerable feeling. How old is your baby?

mrspicklepants · 15/09/2013 21:06

I know what you mean op. Sooo many nasty bastards about especially on here! Feel v down if I read too many these threads even tho my own dp is ok.

Original poster
Itsallveryscary · 15/09/2013 21:12

Ah thank you all so far. My DD is just over a year, she is lovely, and the most amazing thing to ever happen to me (previously I thought that was DH!).

I really do feel down reading some of these threads. MN has been fabulous with advice on feeding, high chairs, and other bits and pieces and also had some really good laughs on some threads. But lately I just feel so, so sad that all this horrid stuff is happening to people. I am starting to actually really hate men! DH thinks it is because people don't generally start a thread saying 'wow my DH is so fab' so I am getting a distorted perspective. Hope he is right!

OP posts:
DustyBinAteMyCat · 15/09/2013 21:15

I think he is. I started bleeding with DS and when i googled it, everyone's experience was miscarriage. He was fine. You don't tend to write about good stuff.

DustyBinAteMyCat · 15/09/2013 21:16

Oh, and what you are suffering from is empathy! Not a bad thing but just look at what is good in your life.

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 21:21

The perspective really is distorted. FWIW dh and I have been together 11 years and we're on our second small baby and we're still very happy.
BUT somethibg to remember is that important as your dh is you can survive without him. That's not to say you shouldn't work at your relationship and enjoy it, but if things go wrong you will survive.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/09/2013 21:25

"DH thinks it is because people don't generally start a thread saying 'wow my DH is so fab' so I am getting a distorted perspective. Hope he is right!"

He is right :)

AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 21:29

Aww. Don't forget you only get people posting about the worst of times in the Relationships topic.

If you saw threads about how fabulous people's relationships were, you would see those posters get told off for boasting Smile

FWIW, my marriage has gone from strength to strength despite some ups and downs (none of them fidelity-related).

We are happier now than ever, the kids are teens and getting independent. There are lots of happy marriages out there, which makes me post all the more when I see what utter shit some women will put up with.

DustyBinAteMyCat · 15/09/2013 21:35

Listen to AF

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 21:48

The perspective really is distorted. FWIW dh and I have been together 11 years and we're on our second small baby and we're still very happy.
BUT somethibg to remember is that important as your dh is you can survive without him. That's not to say you shouldn't work at your relationship and enjoy it, but if things go wrong you will survive.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 21:50

Indeed. Do not ever make any man the centre of your world, Make sure you maintain your earning potential. Make it quite clear you remain in a relationship because you want to and that any behaviour you deem unacceptable is a deal breaker and that you will follow it through.

The same goes both ways, of course.

Original poster
Itsallveryscary · 15/09/2013 22:18

Anyfucker, you are so wise and I do all of the things you have mentioned (and yes it works both ways). Although now I am worried that because I work full time, if anything terrible happened with DH I wouldn't get custody of DD so that worries me even more, and makes me feel vulnerable and trapped, because i couldnt bare only seeing her on weekends. TBH if worrying about 'what ifs' is my biggest problem I should count my blessings! I do realise that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallveryscary · 15/09/2013 22:20

Anyfucker, you are so wise and I do all of the things you have mentioned (and yes it works both ways). Although now I am worried that because I work full time, if anything terrible happened with DH I wouldn't get custody of DD so that worries me even more, and makes me feel vulnerable and trapped, because i couldnt bare only seeing her on weekends. TBH if worrying about 'what ifs' is my biggest problem I should count my blessings! I do realise that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 22:26

Erk. Slow down, love. You have no reason to worry, yes ?

Does your partner also work (never mind who earns most) ? You share childcare/household tasks/finances ?

Even if the worst was to happen, if your partner is a good dad, you would work it out.

Don't be scared about what can go wrong, that is no way to live. Make sure you do best by yourself and all else will follow. Promise Smile

leobear · 15/09/2013 22:31

Of course there is hope! I'm vey happily married (married 4 years, together 6), with two young children. I never worry about divorce because I feel in control of our relationship, and I know how hard we both work at it. I obviously worry about wider things e.g. illness etc, but I don't waste the happy times I am having now, and try to push "what could happen" to the back of my mind. Don't invite trouble in, as my Grandma would have said.

Original poster
Itsallveryscary · 15/09/2013 22:37

Thanks guys, I feel slightly better, perhaps I needed a good talking to from the wise ones! I do tend to other think and over worry on everything. I call it 'risk assessing' and DH calls it 'inventing stuff to worry about'! Thanks again everyone who has responded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsallveryscary · 15/09/2013 22:39

Thanks guys, I feel slightly better, perhaps I needed a good talking to from the wise ones! Yes DH does work very hard, and is hands on dad and we share everything. I do tend to other think and over worry on everything. I call it 'risk assessing' and DH calls it 'inventing stuff to worry about'! Thanks again everyone who has responded.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 22:45

Making yourself vulnerable to relationships and parenthood is scary, but it can work out great and often does

Keep posting and reading, but keep a sense of perspective, love
Before women post here about their dire situations, they have been through a hell of a lot

A bit of argy bargy about leaving the toilet seat up/sleeping through baby crying/the odd piss up/an occasional argument is not the end of the world.

Ledkr · 15/09/2013 22:56

I can feel a bit wibbly sometimes when you read some if the unbelievably shit things that people do to each other on here. I had an awful experience too, some years ago but as af says I was fully able to cope even though my heart was broken and for that I'm eternally grateful and proud.
My dh seems the bees knees to me but mn often makes you worry what's around the corner as it is full of horror stories as people come here for support.
Not many people bother asking for help when seemingly happy.

SlangKing · 15/09/2013 23:15

No point fretting about what might be around the corner. It might never happen and if it does it won't be the same as you imagine it to be. You can tie youself in knots. Arguments (or, rather, debates) are good things so long as there's mutual respect there. It's OK to be happy. We can always ask for our own "Smug Gits" forum if the misery gets overwhelming.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2013 23:21

what is the "smug gits" forum, SK ?

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