Elderly parents who don't get on- and me in the middle.

[Desperatedaughter]

Can anyone offer any advice?
My parents live 5 hrs away so I rarely see them- maybe 4 times a year when I can get. They are late 80s but thankfully my brother who is single and no kids lives near them.
The problem is they don't get on and when I am there my mum seems to use it as an excuse to have a go at my dad in front of me and DH.

The background to this is they thought about divorce on their 70s- classic case of not getting on when my dad retired- but mum didn't want to lose the house which is not big and they have lived in it for over 50 years.

She's made a new life for herself with the WI etc and has lots of friends whereas my dad has become more of a loner than ever, refuses to go anywhere with her, doesn't share the lounge at night as he hates TV, they sleep in separate rooms and eat at different times each cooking for themselves mainly.

I can see 'fault' on both sides. He's become a bit of a bully trying to hold onto the 'man of the house' role, refusing to allow her to take over admin and money stuff - thinks it's his domain, and she daren't make a stand.

When I visit she cannot stop herself lashing out at him, talking over him, contradicting anything he says and implying he is stupid. All far from the truth- he's highly intelligent- but had a slight stroke a few years back which has slowed him down and he's also going deaf, so he's slower with his speech.

But her behaviour towards him is bordering on the unacceptable ( when we are present) and last week I had to make a stand and ask her to allow him to finish what he was saying and not jump in. She looked shocked and said 'but I know what he's going to say.' She's treating him like a child and he clearly resents this and wants to hold onto what he has left in life- which is not much.

I'm not there long enough or often enough to make a real difference. My brother says they almost need a mediator to step in and pull each of them up about how they behave towards each other- but he also says it's too late at their age.

I know either one could drop dead any minute but their behaviour towards each other- especially my mum's - makes me not want to spend much time there.

Is it worth talking to her and just carrying on and biting my tongue?

OP you need to tell your DM that you won't visit any more unless she knocks that on the head. Then when you're there, if you catch her in the act, tell her once that you're going to leave if she doesn't stop, then actually follow through if she does it again. Basically, she'll learn quickly that if she wants you to visit, she zips it while you're there.

What a shame.
Can you visit with each of them separately, or threaten to do that if she won't keep quiet.

Bit hard to see each separately when they live together in a small bungalow!

My Mum is clearly unhappy but it's still complicated- she won't leave my dad overnight to visit us in cases some 'harm' comes to him ( he doesn't want to do the journey but she might if my brother drove her).

Things reached a crunch point over 10 years back when she was very unhappy and considered a divorce- dad is very selfish, likes his own way, is quite reclusive and has high-brow interests compared to mum so they don't have much in common any more.

But she decided to make the best of the marriage- even though she is clearly unhappy. He's 'opted out' of the marriage in a way and spends no time with her in the house ( goes to his shed) because they have nothing in common to talk about etc.

She's full of resentment and is also I think slightly jealous of my relationship with him- if he talks on the phone to me, she constantly 'hovers' to overhear him. She'll go as far as asking me what we had to talk about for so long....in other words she's jealous he talks to me but not her. Last week when I was there and she kept finishing his sentences for him ( in an impatient way) I jokingly said he'd forget how to speak if she kept doing this- he confided once that he never talks much to anyone these days and that after his stroke he finds talking harder.

So mum retorted 'tell him to talk to ME then!'

I am sure it's hard for all children when their parents divorce or don't get on but it's very hard for me to be in the middle of this when they are late 80s. I've not been able to see them that much due to bringing up my own kids, and my work, and resolved to visit more often once my kids were older- which is now. But I just don't like being there!