Advice, please, bit long but its going round my head:(

[Lipstickpowderandpaint]

I hate days when I am on my own and have time to think, I keep wondering what if? :( after a few years of being very unhappy but hoping it would get better i filed for divorce. My h never helped with dcs, would be watching tv or on computer at bath/bedtime, it was me up at night, me up in the mornings for breakfast while he stayed in bed, I went to bed alone each night while he stayed up on computer, he couldn't understand why I would go to bed at 9-10pm. We never did anything as a couple, in the few occasions we did(arranged by me and I organised babysitters) he couldn't wait to get home or we didnt bother cause he didnt want to. I had many a conversation with him telling him how unhappy I was and asking for changes etc, often I would be stood there in tears but his response was I am too sensitive to things and I would be whining,moaning,sqwarking or lecturing so eventually I stopped and got on with life with dcs. Over the years there have been a few incidents - he has hit me in the face, wrapped his hands round my neck and he pushed me up against a wall hard hurting my shoulder which i still suffer with now.He suggested counselling but never actually did anything about it. He did nothing to change, the only time he did anything was when the divorce papers arrived, he then went out of his way to ensure he appears penniless he also made life extremely unpleasant for me - verbally abusive and said some really nasty stuff to me. Eventually I left with dcs after he pushed me over in front of them. On hindsight I believe his intention was to force me to leave:( now, I am out and things are being dealt with by solicitors but I have time to think. He has all of a sudden become the doting father who wants to see his children and spend time with them, suddenly he has a weekend day off each week-something he could never commit to previously. I have now discovered he has been painting a picture of me to his family over the years as someone who controls him and tells him what to do, if he didnt want to do something he would say its was me. I am a sahm and that's been a problem apparently, he has been saying that I refuse to get a job. He has basicly been telling people I was a crap wife:( never said i was perfect - who is?? I don't know what I am asking you for but its helped to write some things down,feeling a bit low today:( thank you for reading

What a sad cunt he is. You know the truth about him - that he is lazy selfish abusive twat. Hold your head high. In spite of huge obstacles you have done your absolute best for your children. You should be very proud of that. He can say what he likes. It doesn't change the facts. He knows it, you know it and your children know it. You can look in the mirror and see a strong woman with children who are happy because pf her strength and love. Whatcan he see? A man who hits the mother of his children and lies about it.

His lfe will always be a sad farce. Yours can only get better and better. Enjoy it!
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My DH is currently attempting a similar thing... he's made all of the problems we had all my fault and the sheer unfairness of it all makes me furious. He shouted at me on the doorstep yesterday about how I just need to face up to my responsibility for the failure of our marriage. I nearly punched him. I have fond the only way to cope is to know virtually nothing about what he is doing/ saying to other people. If I could control his behaviour I would have done it years ago and so now I just avoid him and use his twattery to remind myself that I have indeed done the right thing by LTB. Good luck xx

He's a self-obsessed cunt. Have you seen the Emotional Abuse threads on here? I think you'll find your dilemma well-recognised by people who have been similarly conned by partners who are only interested in controlling their warped little world. I'm sorry you and your children have been through all this. I'd recommend finding time to read through the links in the first post of the threads - understanding what he's really like does let you silence those "what if it really was me?" thoughts, eventually.

Yes, he knows the truth. I have stopped engaging, the only way I can describe how I behave when I do see him is to flatline-I switch off and show no emotion whatsoever. He too has accepted no responsibility for anything, it is all my fault - but he knows and I can't understand how a person can lie like he is/has, he is playing himself to be a victim, ,which he isn't, not really:( narcissist, yes, I can see that in him. I quite like the dodging a bullet dance idea:)

X posted-those thoughts of it being me keep coming back at the moment, finding it hard to believe and keep doubting myself, will go and look at the threads you suggested, thank you

You poor darling - I am so upset for you. He's a right horrible excuse and joke of a 'man' and you're well out of it. And he's acting in a very typical way that such complete arseholes act, and don't let it get to you (hard, I know).

Please, dear lipstickpowderand paint, make the most of your family, friends, solicitor, all support going and get rid of this horrible nasty git. I am just SO glad you're out of the horrendous situation. Your and your kids' safety, health, sanity come first. You've taken the first, most important and MOST DIFFICULT step in getting away. The rest won't be easy, but you'll do it and you'll have done the right thing, for yourself and your children. I am thinking of you.

More power to you! Congratulations on getting you and the dcs out of a bad situation, which sounds as though it would only get worse as time went by. You did the right thing. Take courage and move forward with your life with your dcs. Eventually you will meet someone who is worthy of you. In the meantime live life to the full and enjoy precious time with your dcs.

He is everything that the posters above have said.
They want you to doubt your own thoughts which is one of a number of reasons he has started the propoganda camapaign.
Everything you think about what he has done is correct.
There are many people on the emotional abuse thread that would know exactly how you feel and offer support and ways to feel better and move on. You are a wonderful mother and person who has already shown strength and got out of the relationship which must have been scary and something that can never be done easily/quickly.
If feels like it will never happen now but one day what he says about you and what he does will not have the impact it does today. It has taken me a long time as my exp continues after almost 9 years.
The advice about not justifying yourself is good advice - no matter what you say he will not change. He will play the victim card and when he tells lies to you and others he knows that will not only make him look better or so he thinks but hurt you and you may react and they he can say to them - look I told you. I don't think you will react - I think you may respond well or not even respond.
Coping with the continuation after you have left I found the most shocking. You think it has ended and it is better but is a different stage and one you will get through. I am not there yet.
Keep posting, get all the support you can from as many places as you can. I would also keep a log of everything he says and does, may help during the legal process and just in general help you work through things. Good luck Op

Lips I am a regular on the EA thread and what you are posting is so familiar to us over there. The best way to cope with him is to detach detach detach! You need to observe him like an alien species and try to avoid speaking to him, hearing about him or his family and try to live your life as much as you can removed from him and surrounded by loving kind people who care about your wellbeing.
You know the truth and it doesn't actually matter if he never acknowledges it.

Thank you all. I know I shouldn't care what's said and what he does, part of me doesn't anymore - flatlining. I think it's more what's been said over the years and how I have been perceived based on what he has been saying and how he can lie, something I dislike greatly:( betterthanever-what you said about it ending and being better is quite right, I am better here but its a different stage, I am finding it hard as our future is very unknown atm, no certainties and lots of changes. ea thread makes some interesting reading for me

My EXH did the same. He rewrote history, only ever 'pushed me a few times' despite me loosing a tooth at his hands. He forgot smashing up the house, dragging me down the stairs with my hair, punching, kicking, hands round my throat etc etc. At the time, like you I was upset by his lies that he was telling to anyone who would listen, but after 6 years and the benefit of hindsight I now wouldn't care what he said.

Stay strong and remember the worst times because the worst times you have now and in the future on your own will always be better than the worst times you had with him.

I can understand that - as bad as I may feel now its not the same as when I was there, with him, it's different and its something that will change - as things change and hopefully get better

Just been going thru something similar, OP. kicked out my lazy, disengaged, angry and miserable emotional black-hole of a STBXH 3 months ago. But heard via my Sis that 'talking about it is futile' and he has 'nothing to say'. Totally knocked me for six and plunged me into a new round of hurt and pain. Lots of my friends have tried to explain away his hurtful response. But the only advice that made any sense has been this: when you think of his hurtful actions just stop the thought process and shout out loud in your head: 'I don't give a insert expletive monkeys!'

This has given me the strength to go on appreciating the bliss of living without him.

I dropped the kids with him yesterday, barely made eye contact and skipped away!!!!!!!!!!!! You can do it!!!!!!

Sending UnMumsnetty Hugs