I wonder what you girls would say about this.
My boyfriend is an English expat living in France, working as a freelance so travels a lot. When I met him 2.5 yrs ago he was separated from his wife and travelled to see me every w/e from Aberdeen where he worked then. On his new appointment to the South of france he suggested that I would join him and with my heart all aflutter I agreed as could not imagine to be apart from him. I foolishly gave up my job; but once there all the niceness of the honeymoon period suddenly turned into episodes of bitter arguments mostly over nothing. He is a very attractive “alpha-male” but with abusive tendencies. It was a shocking discovery to see a change in him from being caring and romantic to cold, withdrawn and criticising. I soon went back to the Uk only to face a job searching palaver. The relationship continued however, despite all the toing and froing and his resentment of my “desertion”, as having moved with a new employment I still flew over to see him every other week for a few days. My new location is bleak and lonely, and I am still so much in love with the man I feel paralised. In the meanwhile he has returned to his house in Normandy, followed after his new appointment. After the separation with his wife their two teenage kids are now living with him. The girl has been very difficult, not only doesn’t she speak to me; she evidently hates her father too. He, on the other hand, has been stressed under pressure of the new responsible job, having been a single (and very responsible) father, our unsettled situation etc. I have been going through the impossibly long time trying to find a compromise in the situation when we could be together, the time which had cost me moving to a different part of the country, selling my lovely house, became clinically depressed. Although he insisted on me moving in with him, he refused to help and encourage me in my decision, projecting that I would blame him afterwards if things are not OK. I felt torn apart because of the apprehension about living permanently in the country without speaking the language, hence without a job and an independent income, with rather hostile children (I have none of my own) and with the man who is unreliable in his mood swings, and whose divorce process is far from completion.
Five weeks ago we had a devastating argument, more shattering than ever before, after which any communication has practically stopped, mostly on his part. His point is that I don’t give him enough love and devotion, that in my suffering I lose the obvious life opportunities and therefore waste my and his time. I have read on this site a few articles about the traits of emotionally abusive men and sadly I can identify them in my b/f. He blames me easily, can call names; most importantly I just can’t detect in him simple human compassion towards me and emotional support. When I point at it as a norm of human connection, he feels insulted and lashes out all his bitterness and anger, frequently using very vulnerable sides of my past (I was married before). His despairing behaviour can take absolutely earthshattering levels-tears, heavy drinking..
What I am trying to say is how to reconcile your heart when the mind realises how detrimental this relationship is? And is it? I miss him so much that my body aches and not being able to see and talk to him anymore feels so surreal, I don’t think I am actually living. There are no close friends and a family, which doesn’t help.
I am sorry for this long rant. Thank you.