Please help me understand an emotional affair.

[sextingex]

I'm looking for some advice from people who have got past their DP/DHs emotional affair.

My DP has had an EA with an ex for 5 years on and off. We have been together 12 years and I thought we had a happy relationship. I confronted him when I found out the first time and he said it meant nothing and he just enjoyed the excitement/attention. I haven't told him that I know it's started up again. (I know it's just an EA, not physical, as I've read the messages - and we also live on the other side of the world now).

I have a few questions - and would love some advice from people who've got through this.

Can someone be in a happy relationship and have an EA - or are they really unhappy?

If he stops the EA with this woman will he still want the 'high' from the attention? Will he just look for that excitement elsewhere?

How can I rationalise what he has done? Is it possible for him to love me but still do this?

How long does it take to trust them again? Can you ever?

Thanks.

I'm of the view it's less to do with how happy someone is but more about the type of person they are as to the likelihood of them having an EA or indeed physical one. Plenty of 'happy' people have affairs.
I've limited experience in this, but I'm sure others will be along to help hope you're ok OP.

Having discovered recently that someone I thought was a friend possibly regarded me more as a long-distance EA, I'd give my perspective. Which is that I think someone engaging in an EA has something missing from their life rather than their relationship necessarily. In my case, all we ever talked about was mundane stuff - no flirting involved - but obviously this was meeting a need.

I think your DH - leaving the secrecy aside - is being honest when he says he gets excitement and attention. I don't know how they communicate but this woman on the other side of the world, for the time they spend chatting or texting or whatever it is, he can flatter himself that he's 'still got it' whilst, at the same time, believing it's just harmless fun. Ego-massage, vanity, the need to feel important... call it what you want. What level is the conversation at? Flirting? Sexting? Swapping recipes? :)

I suppose you'll have to confront him again now that you now about it.

Thanks for your replies. Cogito: it's sexting (they've exchanged semi naked photos/fantasies etc) - so it's well past just friendship.

I thought the same as you - that we could have a basically ok relationship - but this was just an ego boost.

However, I started another thread about this - and the consensus was that my DP must have no respect/love for me - and that we should break up. That threw me completely.

I think 'sexting' is a bit different from an EA, an EA can just be a friendship that the person relies emotionally too much on, the lines can be a bit blurred, sending naked photos and swapping fantasies is just dreadful and I would say more than an EA.

But I don't know much about these things, I just wanted to offer my support and say how sorry you are going through this OP.

I agree... once you're in the realms of sexting and swapping naked photos he's indulging in lots of different bad behaviour simultaneously. If this was a stranger it'd be live porn and that's pretty horrible all by itself. As they know each other it makes it more personal - and it's insulting that he has close sexual relationships with anyone other than you. As he's chosen to carry on in spite of having been caught out once, dismissing it as 'means nothing' then it makes him deceitful and disrespectful.

If you don't like the idea of breaking up especially I at least think you should send him away for a while. It may mean nothing to him but you have to make it damn straight that it matters to you.... let him see what he stands to lose.

I agree with somersethouse this is not an emotional affair, this is sexual.

If it's not an EA - then what is it? I know it shouldn't matter - but it would help me if I could label it - and maybe look up other people's experiences.

Thanks again.

It's sexual infatuation, personalised porn, infidelity, an affair ... a long-distance wank buddy. I don't think the label makes much of a difference tbh. This is really about whether you're happy to buy his description of the behaviour as a bit of harmless fun and turn a blind eye to the deception or whether you believe your relationship should be honest and that the only sexual partner in his life should be you.

Breaking up with someone is obviously traumatic and I'm sure you're rationalising like crazy whether you can ignore this side-interest of his in order to keep the relationship together. If you were shocked that some would say 'LTB' over this then I do wonder what this has done to your self-esteem.

Cogito: you're spot on about the self-esteem thing.

I'm going through a serious illness. My appearance has changed dramatically and I can't imagine anyone finding me attractive at the moment.

I also rely on him financially - I don't know how I'd cope on my own.

If you think he's the best you can do and keep making allowances for this really poor behaviour, your self-esteem will only sink further. He's almost certainly not doing this because you're not attractive. He's after a bit of long-distance ego-massaging and dick-stroking, his 'ex' is cheaper than a porn site & it's less effort (and to his twisted thinking 'not cheating') than him going out and finding a real-life mistress.

I'm sorry you're not well and that you're financially dependent on this idiot. Assuming you're in the UK, as a 'DP' rather than a 'DW' your rights in the event of a break-up are sadly limited. Are there any children of the relationship? Do you have any friends/family that you could confide in? It may help your confidence to understand exactly how life would look if you were independent of him and, for that reason, I'd suggest that whatever you choose to do next, you should have a session with a solicitor to find out the score.

Its still cheating - he is investing time and energy away from the relationship and getting his sexual kicks elsewhere.

People who cheat do it to meet a need in themselves - not in the marriage.

We're not married - and have no kids I guess that means I'm entitled to nothing.

I'm not in the UK (we emigrated), I'm seriously thinking about going back to England soon though. Living back with my parents in my 40s just seems so sad...

There's rarely a happy end to a relationship. But you're running ahead of yourself a little. Currently he doesn't know that he's been caught out, you haven't given him the 'it's her or me' speech, you haven't asked him to leave while you think through your options ... as far as he knows, everything's peachy. If you tackle this confidently and assertively now, draw some lines in the sand and make some threats etc., you may yet salvage a decent relationship. If he doesn't respond then what have you actually lost? ... A wanker..

Thanks - I know I need to speak to him. I'm just not really ready for it at the moment. Also, how many chances should I give him?

I think I was in an EA with my ex for a similar time but I was single and he was in a relationship. I thought we were 'friends' but it wasn't until I was in a relationship I realised it was inappropriate and cut him off.
I think he got an ego boost out of the secrecy and I know he had cheated on her physically with other people. I don't think it's something missing but says more about him as a person. Needing a sideline if that makes sense.
I'd want to put a stop to this is I were you but EA is difficult to prove to the other person as serious as 'nothing is happening' but it's what it represents that is the problem.

Leave him and come home. Living back with your parents could be the start of a new you.

Hey: I am doing it in my 50s! The terror and humiliation is not worth it OP.

That's not for me to say but you've already called him out on this once and he's chosen to carry on regardless, presumably because he doesn't think there are any consequences to his actions.

Thanks impatient. I think that's what I'm worried about. It's what is says about him as a person. Will he just keep looking for that ego boost in other ways?

I think the reason for this lies within himself , its probably not anything to do with you or your relationship . Poor self esteem , selfishness ,dysfunctional family growing up , there could be many reasons . Either way its not your fault and you deserve better.

It doesn't really matter what you call it, does it?

He doesn't want a sexually and emotionally exclusive relationship. He wants options. He wants to feel that if he decided to, he could leave tomorrow and have someone else just dying to get with him. He wants to feel he's that special and that amazing that women beg for him, rather than him have to the hard work of keeping an exclusive relationship alive even through the bad times.

He's lazy. Self-centred. Has an over-inflated opinion of himself. Uncaring. Lacking in empathy.

That's who he is.

I would absolutely come home if I was you and take the support from people who love and care about you.

He doesn't - and I can't think of anything worse than being unwell and living with someone who really doesn't give a toss.

If you don't feel you can or want to confront him, say you are coming back for a holiday, then stay here. Living with the worry and stress of it can't be helping your health either. I hope you come through your illness and can look to a future of being financially independent by developing a career perhaps. As you don't have children, there is no reason to be dependent on any man. I think building your independence is vital to improve your self-esteem.