Cold angry new husband

[Katelucywells99]

Dear all, I would hugely value some outside input about my new marriage. my husband and I were married 4 months ago after dating for two years. My family love him and my friends think he's great. We regularly get told by all how great we are together. However I'm really struggling. He has a really angry side to him that other people rarely see and I feel unable to talk to my family and friends about it. He wouldn't dream of actually hurting me but gets angry with me very quickly. Today for example I asked him to slow down while we were driving because p, at more than 90 miles and hour, I said that I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. He became very cross and told me I was being disrespectful for not having faith in his judgement if what was safe or not. I feel completely paralysed.

I tried last week to discuss the fact that I've been feeling insecure and worthless and he was quick to say I'm a horrible person, you hate me' and became very dramatic.

I'm finding it almost impossible to communicate with him without it dissolving in to discord. As a result of this I'm finding myself dwelling more and more on the negatives. He used to sleep with prostitutes - an issue which I felt we had discussed and moved in from several years ago but in our current raw place my mind keeps returning to it.

When things are good they're brilliant, he is bright, generous, kind and has brilliant family. But I feel there is a growing part of him that doesn't respect me and I don't know what to do. I feel cold and miserable all the time.

How can I begin to try and make this better?

I don't have advice but I am hoping that by bumping your thread someone will come along with better support.

I don't want to jump in with a 'mysoginist' diagnosis, I'm not well-enough qualified, but he was demanding respect for his position whilst completely dismissing yours.

You can't make it better, Kate, because it's not your behaviour that's causing problems. Four months into your marriage and he's gaslighting (telling you you hate him, wtf?) and emotionally abusing you. This will not get better. Consider your options.

I recognise the driving thing TOTALLY. The exact same thing happened to me with my ex. One of the nicest things about my DP is that if he thinks his driving is at all scaring me, he will slow right down, even if he is confident at the speed he was going. It's simple respect and caring.

I couldn't communicate with my ex at all about areas of conflict without it ending up in an argument and my tears.

I am a million per cent happier now.

Monitor this, give it a go, but draw your own boundaries. Do not get pregnant while you are assessing it.

You might well be much happier away from him.

Thank you for your affirmation that I'm not being crazy. I think I need to talk to someone professional about this and see what my options are.

Oh you poor thing! Reading your message made me feel so much empathy for you. What a horrible situation to be in. This should be a really happy time for you both. I notice that you say, ' how can I begin to make this better.' Do you feel that it is your fault that he behaves in such an erratic manner? Or is it that he has made you feel that it's your fault? From what you have said, I would say he has some anger management issues. You say he can be kind and generous, but he says some awful things to you.
Why say such things to the woman he loves and has just married? He sounds very insecure. And how awful, to speak to you in such a way, when his driving was alarming you. He's treating you like , 'the little woman,' who has no right to question his authority! This is not the Victorian era! You have rights!! The fact that he has a lovely family and your family love him is of no consequence. He will only show them his good side. They are not married to him. So don't feel bad. We have one life. Marriage can be lovely and fulfilling, but we live in an age when, thank goodness, it does not have to be ,'endured.' If it's not right, then get out.
Maybe have a chat with a relate counsellor. They are very good, you can chat over the phone, so your husband does not need to know. I can see why the prostitute situation haunts you! It would haunt anyone! And make you question,'why?' I really hope things improve and that you can find a way to improve communication with your husband. All the best.

Well, firstly, you can't start divorce proceedings till you've been married a year, and tbf dh and I argued more in the first year or so of marriage than we have in the nearly three decades since. Monitor, as BOF says, but it's not looking good. And no, most definitely don't get pregnant, or give up a job, or move miles away from friends and family.

You can't make it better, Kate, because it's not your behaviour that's causing problems. Four months into your marriage and he's gaslighting (telling you you hate him, wtf?) and emotionally abusing you. This will not get better. Consider your options.

This.

You told him you were (reasonably) frightened, and he made it all about him instead of taking steps to ease your fear.

You told him you were feeling insecure and worthless, and he made it all about him and became melodramatic, behaving in a way that ensured you didn't discuss your feelings but reassured him instead.

He has bought women as though they were a commodity.

The picture you're painting is, in all honesty, a rather scary one.

Did you live together before marriage? It sounds like things have gone downhill fast since your marriage. Is that right?

P.s. I hope your real name is not Kate Lucy wells, because it might be important to keep your anonymity on here.

Hope you can find some good counselling. I have seen on here that couples counselling is not recommended in case of emotional abuse, so it might be worth considering getting counselling alone.

So in less than 6m of marriage, he is cold and angry. It doesn't bode well.

Why can't you talk to your family and friends about it? That's what they're for. Remind them they only ever see the public face, and that the private face is different.

It is no my real name no. Thank you all.

Bumpstarter - we lived together for a year, things were generally fine. The four months before our wedding were the happiest I have ever been. I wish I could put my finger on what had changed.

What's changed, Kate, is that now he "owns" you. It's not unusual for abusers to be all sweetness and light till you're a belonging.

Its not nice that you have been feeling insecure and worthless so early into your marriage. On one hand you say that he is is bright, generous, kind and has a brilliant family and despite this you sound very unhappy. I really sympathise with you. You need to sit down and work out for yourself what is really going on here. It could be that he is just not the man for you or it could be that you have been so damaged by your past experiences or his past experiences e.g. prostitutes. I would struggle with this. Is there any chance whatsoever that he actually is a decent man and the difficulties you have experienced in the past have led you both to feeling extremely defensive.

I am not trying to minimalise this in any shape or form but it really bothers me when people tell me how to drive. I know it sounds trivial but it pisses me off big time. Maybe you guys could reach a compromise where you discuss this calmly and he recognises that you dont like him going over the speed limit. I dont know how his anger manifests but if it is disproportionate and irrational I suggest you leave. If there is any chance that you need to look at things in your past that has led to either of you over reacting to things you really need to be honest with yourselves.

Bottom line though is if you are scared of his anger so early on in the relationship and you dont think you can work it out, you need to leave this relationship.

**You told him you were (reasonably) frightened, and he made it all about him instead of taking steps to ease your fear.

You told him you were feeling insecure and worthless, and he made it all about him and became melodramatic, behaving in a way that ensured you didn't discuss your feelings but reassured him instead.**

My H did this every time there was an issue in our marriage. If only I had talked about this with friends and family (who turned out to not like him so much when they didn't have to for my sake) things could have been different. Or had I found MN earlier!
I spent so much time then telling him how much I loved him etc etc, rather than ever sorting out the issues in the first place.
3 children and a failed marriage later (we split after 8 years together) and I have lots of regrets. I don't regret the kids for one moment, but wished I'd had the confidence to walk away instead of pandering to his needs.

As others have said, don't have kids until you are sure (and have been sure for some time) that you are in a stable marriage.

Good luck!

I don't think it was ever likely that a man who used prostitutes was going to be a kind, decent husband and I just can't imagine how you managed to square that with the sort of man you wanted to marry and have children with.

That said, I agree that those types of misogynist men only show their true colours in terms of their behaviour towards their wives once the ring is on the finger. You wouldn't be the first woman who reasoned that even if he treated other women like shit, as long as he was lovely to you it was ok.

Hopefully the penny has dropped for you now that a man who has such deep disrespect for women that he thinks he can buy them, will never be able to really like and respect women. He's probably able to charm your folks and your friends because he can play-act for short periods, but behind closed doors and now he feels he's got you committed to him, the gloves have come off.

This is only ever going to get much worse. Please run for the hills...

kate, I sympathise very much with what you're saying. Please believe everyone when they say it's not about you it's about him.
My exP is very like this. He can be absolutely charming, gentle and caring. He also showed,early on in our time together, he could be like another person. Selfish, uncaring and blaming things on me. I kind of rationalised it that if I loved him enough he would grow to trust and love me enough that he wouldn't behave that way.

In fact, he just got worse and worse. The driving thing I recognise. In fact he would drive extra fast with me and the kids in the car, just to scare me. It got to the point that I was scared to say anything in case it made him worse.

It is all about him; but I felt it was about me triggering his rages. After 12 years together, he has now moved out. I couldn't be happier. At last I can relax! All I regret is the length of time I spent with him trying to make him happier. And of course the effect on the kids.

For the record he is still moody. Sometimes he uscharm

Whoops.... Sometimes he's charming. Sometimes he is an angry and awful person, cold and heartless. At least I know it's not about me.

So, good luck; I'm so glad you have got mumsnet now. It should give you the strength you need in this situation.

I am living the life you are headed for.

In no time time at all he will have you exactly where he wants you and even though every fibre of your being us telling you to run, you just can't put one foot in front if the other.

Like a previous poster said, don't be afraid to admit you have made a mistake. The only one you have really made was falling for his charm. Let it be your last one.

Best if luck.

I agree with much of what has been said above but would add ... 'stand up to him'. While you work out what to do long-term, don't tolerate any more of his bullying antics. If he says 'you hate me' for example, reply in the affirmative... 'I'd hate anyone acting like as big a prick as you are right now'. The alternative to standing up to him is to continue to have your self-esteem reduced to nothing.

BTW... what changed was a ring on your finger. Women-hating bullies, emotional abusers, or whatever you want to call them see 'marriage' as 'ownership'. He believes you are his possession to be treated any way he sees fit.... pretty much making you the same as the prostitutes he bought in the past.

So stand up to this bully and start looking at your options.

Stay independent and do tell your family and friends what is going on. Keep a diary of events so you can see if there is a pattern or it is getting worse. I am sure your parents would want to know how you are feeling, if you were my daughter I would want to know so I could help if you wanted me to. As others say, it is early days, but it isn't looking good.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. I think you should suggest counselling and if he refuses you should go on your own, and if he objects to that you have no option but to leave. I also think you should tell your family and hopefully they'll be supportive and understanding but if not don't let anyone deny your feelings because he sounds really cold hearted and on the road to becoming an abuser.

Counselling for your own self alone is essential; do not even consider joint counselling with this man due to the ongoing abuse. This is about power and control at its heart; he had power and control over the prostitutes he used and now he is treating you the self same.

What do you actually know about his background?. Were you very young when you met and perhaps in a bad situation yourself?.

Its him, this is what he is like and he is showing you all too clearly. You cannot make this better, all you can now do is start planning your exit from this marriage.

Do not get pregnant by him. Stay independent and keep working.

He is showing many indicators of being what Dr Joe Carver describes as "The Loser". He sees marriage as ownership, these types as well hate all women.

You need to read this as well:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

BTW many abusers are plausible to those in the outside world but your family and friends do not have to live with him.

Urgh, the driving bit really resonated with me - my (abusive) ex drove like a lunatic, nearly running a couple of cyclists off a single-track road once, and he made out it was their fault. I always insisted on driving if we went on holiday, as at least then I had some control. Then he'd make nasty comments to me as we drove.

OP I don't think this is going to get any better. Don't do what I did and feel you've got to stick it out (in my case because I'd just signed a tenancy with him). You don't, and it's OK to say it hasn't worked out. Not that you've made a mistake, because you haven't - it is entirely HIS behaviour that has caused this. Talk to friends and family.

I also don't think counselling together is a good idea as he sounds capable of twisting everything to fit his own ends.

The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.