I am really struggling with the best thing to do in this situation. There is lots of back story so please bear with me ..
I find MIL a very overbearing and manipulative woman who thinks she can do and say whatever the hell she likes and everyone else should put her first unconditionally and ignore or suffer the emotional manipulation, badmouthing to others and so on. There is always someone who she is not speaking to. Several years ago, and after many, many months of not reacting to her spiteful digs, comparisons with DH's ex, guilt trips and mutterings about not 'knowing my place', I had enough and asked her to leave my house as I wasn’t prepared to be insulted in my own home. She threw a major tantrum, first refusing to leave until DH reiterated what I had said, and then phoning every other member of her family to tell them what ‘that thing’ (ie me) had said. She then continued over the following months with nasty accusations over the phone, notes through the door, instructing other people to have a go at me for being so horrible to a poor, innocent old woman. There were various other issues ongoing at the time, all related to DH but which proved to be so stressful that I’m pretty sure I was very close to a breakdown and was referred for therapy. Chose to have no contact with her from that point.
All of DH’s family except his two SILs (who have been on the receiving end of exactly the same behaviour themselves) chose to refuse to even seek an alternative version of events and I have been ostracised since, although his DBs still keep in touch with DH. We have had 2 DCs since this occurred and no acknowledgement whatsoever from the majority of the family, which hurts deeply as I feel my kids are being punished. Other DB maintains a relationship with DH but manages to completely ignore me unless I ask him a direct question on the rare occasion that I do see him – last time was a few days after I had given birth to DC2 and he managed to spend over 2 hours at our house without saying one single word to me. I ended up sitting upstairs ‘feeding DD’ for most of his visit because it was upsetting, which funnily enough is what happened with MIL on more than one occasion. It was an awful, stressful time.
Anyway, I have recently decided to try to make some kind of attempt at a relationship, for the benefit of DH mainly, and have invited MIL here on a couple of occasions and DH has taken DS to see her a few times. Word has obviously spread as suddenly we are being invited to social events by people who have not spoken to either of us for years. DB (the one who ignores me) was seemingly so desperate for us to attend his DD’s birthday party that in the space of a couple of hours there were voicemails, texts and FB messages informing us of the venue and how thrilled they would be if we would all join them.
Basically, I find this quite insulting – I get the impression that these relatives think that as I have somehow ‘realised the error of my ways’ and resumed speaking to MIL they will be magnanimous in deigning to include me and my DCs in their family. So the same people who had no qualms about deciding I must be a horrible person just because MIL said so and isolating me and my family for a few years, then appear to expect me to be gracious and grateful and jump at the chance to spend time in their company.
This has dragged up all the same feelings of resentment and anxiety and worrying about what people think of me that I experienced at the time, and tbh I probably should have continued to steer well clear of MIL for my own well-being, despite DH wanting everyone to get along with smiley happy faces. It’s clear to me that I’ve not been able to deal with my feelings about what happened in the past but I get the impression now that if I turn down these invitations then I will again be perceived as the one with the problem and further isolated.
I really don't know what I should do that is in the best interests of my family (me, DH and DCs) regarding these social events or relationship with MIL generally. The whole situation is very painful for DH but I just don't seem to be able to move on. Any thoughts appreciated.