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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it ever OK to tell DH I would fancy him more if he lost weight?

96 replies

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 20:57

I don't know. I've read so many threads on here where the OP's partner has made a comment about her weight and I know that if DH told me he'd fancy me more if I was thinner then I'd be really upset.
But, DH has put on over 6 stone in the 16 years we've been together. He does no exercise at all (drives DS to school when it's an 8-minute walk), smokes 15-20 a day and mainly eats junk food. He does shift work which has an irregular pattern (he's on nights this weekend) so I do see the difficulty in eating properly.
But the bare truth is that I don't fancy him as much as I used to. We don't have sex very often - partly because of his shift work so there often aren't many times when we're actually at home together, partly because once I am in bed I want to sleep and I always go to bed before him if we're both at home, but also because I don't get hugely turned on by him like I used to.
I've lost a fair bit of weight in the last 18 months (about 3 stone) but I did it for me and because I wanted to - he never made any comments at all other than I was looking great. I guess I was hoping that seeing me change my eating habits, do more exercise etc. might spur him on to do the same, but it hasn't.
Aside from the physical attraction I'm also really worried about his health. He is quite often (a couple of times a week at least) sick for no reason I can tell (ie. not food poisoning or too much to drink) and I'm sure it's got something to do with his weight and eating habits, but every time I mention it he tells me not to worry.
Do I need to just come out with it and tell him that I would fancy him more if he lost weight (and so we'd probably have more sex, which is an issue for us), or do I put a health spin on it (but I've tried that before) or do I just do nothing because I don't want to upset him? I really don't know what's best.

OP posts:

Hassled · 14/09/2013 21:02

Try again with the health thing first. Work out his BMI - hit him with cold hard facts, and see if you can find some alarming horror story websites to shock him into action. Ultimately the health thing is way more important than the attractiveness thing - so persist with that. Anyone you can get on-side (MIL?)?

Vivacia · 14/09/2013 21:05

No, that would be unkind and egocentric.

Walkacrossthesand · 14/09/2013 21:05

Does he not mind that he's a completely different shape than he was? We all tend to fill out as we get older, but 6 stone is a lot! And he's probably still gaining, if he's not making any attempt to address it. It's not just about the sex, is it - if you are still active and lively (well done on your weight loss btw) then increasingly he won't be able to do the things you used to like doing together. Maybe that would be a kinder tack - you're worried about his health, and you want to stay active with him - rather than just making it about fancyability.

valiumredhead · 14/09/2013 21:07

No because that would be very unkind indeed.

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 21:08

Thanks - I've just worked out his BMI and it's about 39.5. I know that the health thing is the most important so will try again. MIL is on my side and does occasionally say gently to him that he should maybe lose some weight, but no more than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 21:12

And I don't want to be unkind at all, I really don't and I know how devastated I would be if he ever said anything like that to me. Really the physical attraction thing isn't the issue I suppose - it's about wanting my 2 boys to grow up with a dad who can do things with them when they get bigger, who models good eating habits and sets a good example. They've already started calling him fat or saying he looks like Daddy Pig, and it upsets him and makes him cross with them and it's difficult to know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 14/09/2013 21:15

I hope you stop your children calling him names because that is just awful!

Vivacia · 14/09/2013 21:18

In what way is it difficult??

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 21:19

I do tell them to stop. I think it's awful too - believe me, I don't encourage them in the slightest. I've maybe made it sound worse than it is - it's more along the lines of (whilst watching Peppa Pig) "Daddy's got a fat tummy too like Daddy Pig, haven't you Daddy?" not so much saying "Daddy's fat".

OP posts:

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 21:22

Vivacia difficult because I don't want DH to shout at them and scare them for saying something which is actually the truth, but also teach them how there are some things which are best kept unsaid.

OP posts:

Nerfmother · 14/09/2013 21:23

Well I'm out on a limb here. Dh has put on weight, it's not attractive to me and I've managed to put some effort in to looking halfway decent (and its me that had 4 kids not him) and I've told him. He's cut down, he looks better and his health is better.
No point in faking your way through sex to avoid hurting feelings.

GColdtimer · 14/09/2013 21:24

But op has stopped fancying him because he has put on stacks of weight. What should she do?

Darkesteyes · 14/09/2013 21:27

valiumredheadSat 14-Sep-13 21:15:18

I hope you stop your children calling him names because that is just awful!

THIS!

LifeofPo · 14/09/2013 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 21:38

I think I just have to mention his health more often then. I only bring it up very occasionally but maybe I should say it more often and hope that it makes him think.
I just don't want him to suddenly drop down dead from a heart attack - he's the only person I've ever had a real relationship with (he was 18 and I was 20 when we got together), we have 2 gorgeous boys who adore him and I can't imagine what it would be like without him.

OP posts:

VerySmallSqueak · 14/09/2013 21:42

I think he will know for himself very well,and you pointing it out could really affect his self-esteem.
Hopefully he will reach a point where he feels ready to tackle it.
Until then,can you love him for the person he is,not the shell he's in?

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 21:54

That's what I hoped I'd made clear very but obviously not - I love him to bits - he's a fantastic father, he loves me to bits and would do anything to keep us safe, he's funny, sensitive and generous. I just wonder how much further things will go before he does choose to do something about it.

OP posts:

TootiesFrootie · 14/09/2013 21:58

6 stones is an awful lot of extra weight. I agree that you can't mention that you don't fancy him as much but that you can mention how concerned you are. I think he has a responsibility to you and his kids to 'stay' reasonably healthy.

Is is at all possible to do some exercise together as a family.

ThePuffyShirt · 14/09/2013 21:59

I don't blame you OP.

I think you should let him know that you are worried about his health.

The children calling him names bit is awful. But if I am really honest, excessive weight gain would not be a huge turn on to me either. I know sometimes this can be unavoidable however...

VerySmallSqueak · 14/09/2013 22:00

As long as it takes him.

It's hard for you,I understand that,but it's even harder for him.

I really hope things change soon.

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 22:03

It's possible but difficult - because of his shift work he's often not around at weekends, and I work Mon-Fri. DS1 has just learnt how to ride his bike properly and now really wants us to go out with him and that would be a great thing if we can extract DH's bike from all the rubbish in the garage. Maybe I will suggest that as an option - it would be a good start.

OP posts:

Original poster

sleepychunky · 14/09/2013 22:05

Thanks all, eminently sensible advice as I always read here. I am shattered after a nightmareish week with work so going to bed now.

OP posts:

defineme · 14/09/2013 22:06

That is a terribly high BMI-he needs to go and discuss that with his dr very quickly. The smoking and everything... This man needs help.

What works with my dh is timetabling in exercise to our whole family schedule, us not having junk food in the house because it's a bad example for the kids, us taking up swimming and biking a s a family.

I would really really push the health thing and not mention the sex-this is a matter of life and death and sex can wait.

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2013 23:21

You say he's being sick a couple of times a week? I wonder whether be has a stomach ulcer. Does he have a lot of heartburn?

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2013 23:22

I agree that you should not mention that you don't fancy him. You should focus entirely on his health.

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