DP is away and I've got time on my hands. Musing about my situation with MIL.

[Spaghettio]

Firstly - MIL is my late DH's mother, not DP's mum. Also, DP is also widowed. He has 2 DS and I have one.

I have a huuuuge backstory of issues with MIL when DH was alive and since he died (4 1/2 years ago). I don't think she is "toxic" but I do believe that she doesn't think about other people. She acts with the best of intentions but doesn't like it if you don't agree with her ideas/thoughts/plans. When DH was alive, I'd leave him to deal with her. Since he died, I've had to speak to her about a couple of things - most significantly the way she reacted to DP, my DS (her only grandchild) and DSS's.

This resulted in a major fallout and an agreement to wipe the slate clean and try harder - for me to see her pov and her to accept that DS and DP have a father/son relationship (DS was a baby when DH died and knows no other father figure).

I've worked hard to maintain a relationship with her - for DS's sake as he loves her and she him. They have a lovely relationship and I would never want to deny either of them that. But I have in the past, and continue to, find it increasingly difficult to be around her. Some of this is due to stupid things - which I realise are completely my problem (like being annoyed at the way she feeds DS until he bursts - and it's all crap food - but that's a grandparents prerogative!).

One of the main issues I have with her is that she ignores me. We arrive at her house, she greets me and DS, does the polite chit-chat for 5-10 minutes and then promptly ignores me. She focuses so completely on DS to the detriment of anyone else in the room. If there are other people there, this isn't so noticeable as I'll chat with them but when it is just the three of us, I may as well not even be there.

I know that her attention is for DS. She just wants DS. FIL is the same (they divorced 25 yrs ago) but at least he makes the effort to speak to me. She makes no effort at all. Last time we saw her, she ignored me for 45 minutes in one go, and then another half an hour stint after asking one question (about DS's school).

Part of me thinks I should just drop DS off with her and go shopping. Or sit there with my kindle so at least I'm not bored (except my manners prevent me from doing this as.it.would.be.rude!). The unreasonable childish side of me thinks that if she can't make an effort to be polite, why should I bother ferrying DS to her (2 hours away)?

I'm rambling here - as I'm not sure what I'm asking. I don't want to deny their relationship and I know that DS is her only link to her dead son - but surely she must realise that by alienating me, I'll be less inclined to visit with DS? She is so self centered - not in a bad way - just that she doesn't think about other people unless it is to her benefit - that maybe she hasn't thought about that?

None of this is particularly urgent as we aren't seeing her anytime soon - I've just been thinking about it! I'd really appreciate if anyone could give a different point of view, as I'm all thought out!

Her son is dead. Her only grandchild lives 2 hours away. And she has an uneasy relationship with her DiL. I do feel sorry for her. Since she and your DS enjoy each others company so much then why don't you leave them to eachother? Using that time to relax with your kindle, or doyourshopping sounds an excellent idea.

As your DS is school age I'd go for the drop off and go shopping route!! Can she come to you at all? Overnight with sharing the journey would be good.

With the travelling - she's not disabled but she has a big list of "I don'ts".

"I don't drive on motorways"

"I don't drive in cities(read: anything larger than her small town)"

"I don't drive on roads I don't know"

Because of this, she usually tells (NOT ask) BIL that he needs to bring her. If we go to her, I try to coincide it with visiting other friends/family so I don't feel it's a completely wasted journey.

She has some mobility issues (bad hip/knees) which is exacerbated by her weight, so I don't think that she is up to looking after a five year old. If she did (which she is very keen to do) they would probably spend most of their time inside doing puzzles/colouring/watching tv. I know that isn't too bad, and won't kill DS (this is one of those unreasonable issues I have, I know)!

We haven't invited her to our house much, partly because it would be a burden on BIL - but I have to be honest - its because I don't want her ignoring me in my own house!

poly - I feel sorry for her too! I thinks that's why I feel so guilty feeling like this!

My MIL barely speaks to me and my DH is alive. It's not personal, we're just very different and she prefers to talm to the children, which is fine with me.

Don't make BIL's problem your problem - he can say no (and presumably gets to see his nephew if he comes) but I'd think it was fine if for one day/ weekend DS just did quiet things with his gran and you went off elsewhere.

We're also a bit worried about the way she acts, if she visited us here. If she is happy to ignore me - what will she be like with DSS's? We don't want them to feel ignored in their own house either.

Their grandparents have been very supportive and treat my DS as their grandchild. When we have seen MIL as a family, she clearly favours DS over DSSs, but we can deal with that in short visits. If she stayed overnight and ignored them, how do we explain that to them?

I think you're right moderately - maybe this is just par for the course with MIL/DIL relationships? Ours is just worsened by DH not being here to deal with her?

I think it's different as I'm perfectly happy to read whilst MIL is around (I wasn't but she's done it for years so obv not rude to her!)

It's hard for you because of DSS but DP could take DSS out. I know she should treat him the same but she is in a different situation to your DP's parents who have known your DS since he was small.

It sounds like you are really trying your best in a difficult situation, and well done for working so hard to keep up the relationship.

If you are happy to keep going, I would take the papers, maybe, as they might look a little less rude, or go and do some shopping, or even do some work if that's a possibility?

And you could try a visit to yours, but say to your MIL beforehand that DS and DSS are close and your DS would really enjoy it if she spent time with both of them?

I wouldn't read much into it. Don't take it personal that your mil isn't all that interested in you. We can't be liked by everyone! Suggest to keep busy as not engage. Detach and lower your expectations of her. Even better, drop your DC off and go shopping. I'm sure she wouldn't miss you!

Also, she isn't going to change at her she BTW. Life is too short. Enjoy your time by removing yourself from her company and just let them get on with it. Its a win win situation.

I know you're rig - I just hate the fact that because DH is gone, I am now totally surpluss to requirements. I was an incubator for the blessed grandchild and now I'm the taxi driver. No need to make conversation - my job is done.

Cynical, moi?

Really, let him go and spend a weekend with his grandmother indoors doing puzzles and colouring.

She's his GM and she has mobility issues so that's the kind of things they are likely to do together.

Her rudeness to you is obviously irksome, so maintaining their relationship while minimising your contact with her has got to be the way forward.

Cookie is right - it must be so frustrating but try and turn it into a win-win situation. Your DS is getting great time with his grandma, and you can get time to yourself.

Spaghetti, it must be hard for both of you. It doesn't sound like you knew her that well before you were widowed. She finds it hard to relate to you.

It also sounds like this is her character rather than anything personal to you - is that right?

Would it be easier to think of seeing her as something you have to do for DS's good (like, um, going to a very loud soft play party) - not much fun for you but good for him?

W knew each other well enough, DH and I werere together for 6 1/2 years before he died - but you are right. It's her character and nothing personal - I know this because she does it to everyone else if DS is around!

Will grin and bear it - like you say - soft play, or my personal bug bear, swimming!

I think you are right to be miffed actually, but in the spirits of continuing the relationship I'd take your Kindle (me and DH often read/get on with chores when PILs visit, as it's DS they're really here for), and read away. Or drop off for a bit.

I feel quite sorry for her- she has one grandchild from her dead son and she doesn't get to see him very often because he's two hours away. If I was her and only had a fleeting visit with him then I wouldn't want to talk to you either, it would be all about the DGS for me!

I bet she'd like quality time with him, not an odd hour or two with you hanging around supervising.

Go shopping or even better, let her have him overnight, I'm sure she'd manage, there's nothing wrong with a day of colouring and tv once in a while.

I think it's the rudeness that annoys me the most. This is the woman who sends thank you cards for thank you cards - yet she can't see that ignoring a guest in her home (even in the same room) is rude.

I would feel awful if I did that to someone. But then I can't stand silences and will rabbit on about anything and everything to prevent them!

Does she have any other grandchildren(bill's dc) or just your son .
I agree with others who suggest you let ds stay with her. Friday night to sunday afternoon every few months or school holidays. i'm sure it would be a lovely treat. As a child I would have to stay with my gp every school holiday and I loved it.
The fact she has some minor health problems should not put you off asking her if she would like to do this.
It would allow you and your dp/dss to all visit/drop off, make polite chat for an hour or so and then leave them to it. If you think your ds would be ok with it i'd try it.

No other grandchildren - and from a discussion we had - she doesn't expect any more. BIL is only just 30 and is in his first proper relationship, but she seems to have written him off already. Sad for BIL - but I'm not sure if he is aware of her thoughts on that matter (I'm staying firmly out of it!).

I think we will have to go down the staying over/shopping route, as it is the only way I can deal with seeing her. In short bursts I'm ok - I can write it off as a morning/afternoon wasted - but when I'm ignored for hours on end, it can get very frustrating.

I'm sure if DS gets bored with stationary (stationery? Sp?) games, he'll let her know - he can be quite vocal about going out to the park!

Poor bil, but if he has a car he can always take himself,mil and your ds out if you go down the 'short stay' route.
A trip to Mcdonalds or an afternoon at the cinema( school hols often coincide with a childrens film) etc.
They will soon become childcare experts.

If you're uneasy about leaving your son alone with her, then do as other people have suggested and bring some work/reading with you. You can say something along the lines of "If you don't mind, I'll get some reading/work done while you two are playing". If she does mind, she will make an effort to talk to you. But it doesn't sound as if she would mind, to be honest.

To each their own.