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Original poster

Worried about residency

18 replies

PumpUpMyVolume · 14/09/2013 16:27

Separated from H at the start of the year. There is back story here (he was SAHP who left for OW and despite trying to keep up contact etc, he feels i have been unreasonable & now only sees DC every other Saturday night - his choice!)

DC are with a childminder whilst i work FT and yesterday DD fell over on her walk home and turns out she's broken her arm Sad

Have spoken to the childminder and she's going to report to ofsted. DD spoke to H after we were done at a&e and told him she wasn't with me. I know he'll be angry, because he always is with any decision i make around the DC and care for them.

I am really scared he's going to.use this against me in mediation which we start in a couple of weeks as a way to take my DC; I'm not able to care for them or arrange suitable cover sort of thing & they'll be better with him. He's still unemployed so has the time which i don't as i work Sad

Am just gutted that DD is hurt and now scared it will be used as a stick to beat me - even though i wasn't even there!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 16:35

If he tried to use a broken arm as some kind of evidence of neglect he'd be laughed out of court. You're working, you're using a registered childminder (who was presumably mortified about the accident?) and it's an isolated incident that could have happened even if you were standing right next to her.

He's chosen to absent himself. You're the parent that stayed. Never forget that.

Original poster
PumpUpMyVolume · 14/09/2013 16:41

Thanks Cogito - don't think mortified covers how the childminder feels!

And I'm fine with it - it was an accident that no-one could've prevented, she fell over and sort of superman'd.. not the first time and not the last - just unlucky really!

I just know that somehow H will spin it so its my fault and will use it as a basis for residency - as am pretty sure that's what he wants from mediation Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 16:44

Do you have legal representation? When dealing with unreasonable people inclined to twist facts to suit their own ends, mediation is usually not recommended. Even if you still opt for mediation it helps to have had some good legal advice before you embark.

You're the parent who stayed.

Original poster
PumpUpMyVolume · 14/09/2013 16:49

I have seen a solicitor and she told me i had nothing to worry about. I've also had my initial consultation with the mediator who reassured me about the process. He was meeting me first though

I guess we just see how it goes but he does twist everything i say & do... well he did until we stopped talking at the start of the summer!

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/09/2013 17:34

I wouldn't be impressed with a dad who left his children and only saw them every couple of weeks for a night. Overnight or evening?

Then wanted them back over 6 months later...

Is he after extra income?

Original poster
PumpUpMyVolume · 14/09/2013 18:11

He is definitely after money - he wants me to pay him to watch our children, give him our DS's cb so he can get income support & a flat (get a job doesn't go down very well) and when i said i wasn't happy to change my DS status, he cut all contact except for the Sat nights.

To be fair, he takes them early on the Saturday but think that's more about control again as its so early i have to wake the dc to get them over to him in time. i did suggest waiting until they woke up (probably only about an hour later) but 'that's what i've said, so that's what's happening' Sad

The mediator did say one of the main aims is to separate the DC contact etc from the money issues so hope we'll get somewhere.

I just worry everytime something happens that, if twisted would reflect badly, he'll try & score points...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 18:21

Luckily, mediators aren't stupid. Be confident that you're providing excellent care for your DCs and have your own objectives clear before you go into the mediation process.

Original poster
PumpUpMyVolume · 14/09/2013 18:30

Thank you - and i plan to. The mediator did make me feel positive we can get somewhere so we'll see.

Its so sad that someone, who a year ago was my partner, my lover and i thought the world of, has morphed into who he now is. what's sadder perhaps is that the whole personality transplant is more common than i would ever have thought!

OP posts:
nocoolusernameY0 · 17/09/2013 15:45

Honest question, don't want to have a dig or anything, but is there a reason why he hasn't got residency when he was their main carer apart from the fact that he's male and you're female? Why are they with a child minder instead of their dad, if he's got the time to look after them? You say that he doesn't see them much - his choice - but then you say you're worried about residency. Which is it, is he barely seeing them, by choice, or is he trying to get residency?

cestlavielife · 17/09/2013 15:54

makes no sense - he chooses to see them only every other wekeend so how does he go from that to sole residency?
worst case - you get shared residency and continue to have situation where they go every other weekend as per his choice ...

working full time and providing for your DC is NOT a barrier to shared residency, even to fifty fifty split of care - they go to school, you can arrange childminder then have them in the evening overnght on your days.

given he has chosen to see them less in recent past, the worst case scenario will be shared residency fifty fifty - if he pushes for it. there is no reason they should say with him more if all thngs are equal regardless of you working Ft or not.

and shared residency order doesnt even mean fifty fifty split of time ti just puts you on equal footing legally

the fact she broke her arm while in paid registered childcare has nothing to do with anything

cestlavielife · 17/09/2013 15:56

"he cut all contact except for the Sat nights" i hope you have emails recording where he says this is what he wants and records of how this has happened.

Lweji · 17/09/2013 17:13

but is there a reason why he hasn't got residency when he was their main carer apart from the fact that he's male and you're female?

Answer:
he was SAHP who left for OW

Presumably he got his freedom and is now regretting the grass not being greener or loss of income.

nocoolusernameY0 · 17/09/2013 17:58

This:
"He is definitely after money - he wants me to pay him to watch our children, give him our DS's cb so he can get income support & a flat (get a job doesn't go down very well)"

And this (from another of today's threads)
"Describing his ex as... lazy (not wanting to work) are such clichéd typical abuser statements that they'd be laughable if they weren't so scary."

Is it definitely not possible that he wants residency because he actually wants to take care of them like he used to?

Last thing I'm going to say.

Original poster
PumpUpMyVolume · 17/09/2013 20:11

I have a email proof of him actually saying about wanting cb so he could use it for income support, house etc. The same email trail has him stating that because i won't change my ds legal status, he won't 'do me any favours' so won't look after his children at all... I tried to encourage more contact but was told without me saying on a government form that DS doesn't live with me (when he does) then he is being 'forced' into one night every fortnight!

I have never restricted or tried to control contact and we were sharing contact. He lives with his mum some distance away so it made sense for the DC to remain in the family home with me taking them to him when he wanted them - all on his terms.
He was the SAHP but that doesn't mean he wasn't lazy and i found myself picking up the slack A LOT. The only reason i worry about residency is because he will use his past role as primary carer as a weapon against me, not because it is in our DCs best interest, but because he wants to point score!

Him using the children as a weapon (i won't spend time with them unless you give me what i want) is unfair in the extreme and a perfect example of his thought processes.

I am gutted it has got to this point but he was vile when he left and now, every time i think we are ok and on an even keel, something else I'm doing is wrong, something else i've said is unreasonable and he lets me have it & threatens to take the DC.

If the mediator feels they would be better with him, then i will have to try & accept that but i just don't think they are Sad

OP posts:
Diagonally · 17/09/2013 20:34

Why does he think he will get income support if he gets residency?

If DC are over 5 he is expected to get a job, isn't he?

Original poster
PumpUpMyVolume · 17/09/2013 20:39

DD is 4 but DS is only 1

OP posts:
nocoolusernameY0 · 18/09/2013 10:38

Okay, I understand a bit better now.

We went through the court process for 6 years with step-son. DH was his main carer before the split. Made no difference. The court are very reluctant to change the status-quo. The kids are living with you now, and seeing him at weekends. They reside with you and he has contact. When/if the court put anything in writing, that is what it will say.

The chances of your DH getting sole residency are about as good as him getting 6 numbers on the lottery. Unless, of course, you start beating up your dc's and lose parental responsibility to the social services.

The chances of him getting shared residency as it stands now are extremely slim - they don't live with him. The court would either want to see that your dc's were actually living in two homes (they're not); want cafcass to recommend that your dc's felt like they had two homes (impossible: too young to speak to); or want cafcass to recommend that giving shared residency status would effectively prevent care disagreements that are having a detrimental impact on the dc's (e.g. they thought that your DH's good decisions were keeping your bad decisions in check, but that his influence was undermined because of residency status AND that this would change by amending it; or you were preventing court ordered contact and using sole residency status to support your unfair 'gatekeeping' AND the court believed that changing to shared-residency would effectively prevent this) - extreeeemly unlikely since you are dropping off your dc's at his (like no mother with the dc's full time EVER).

Your dd's accident won't have any relevance whatsoever. Your dc's being at the cm's in general won't have any relevance whatsoever. While in theory shared residency can be given when the children don't actually currently live almost equally with both parents, it hardly ever happens, and even then after yeeeaars of court battles and unreasonablness on your part.

As to him being 'forced not to see them' because of lack of money: we lived on jobseekers for six months 30 minutes away from dss and dh still collected him on a fri and took him back on a sun. We only turned the heating on at the weekend. He's an idiot, you dodged a bullet there.

ALSO

nocoolusernameY0 · 18/09/2013 10:44

'ALSO'??? Can't remember what I was going to say there Grin

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