Advice needed re children & dads behaviour during access

[Redoubtable]

Need advice please.
Have been in an abusive marriage ended when 'DH' left.
My needle has been reset as to what is appropriate and acceptable behaviour and I need outside advice as to how inappropriate this is.

Huge issues with porn while he was in family home. He left DVDs lying around with pre-school children spelling out title words.
Since he left he has given them iphones/tablets in his new home, on which they have internet access which he doesn't supervise. On one, I found clickable links to non-vanilla porn sites.

DC going to Dads this morning for overnight. As I dressed them, DS told me that last week when they were with Dad, they were downstairs while Dad was upstairs in bed with his new girlfriend (daytime).

DC all under 10 so accept that whatever he does must be OK.

It wont be possible to bring this up with him:- he will say they made a mistake, or that he was tired (very important man, big job, so busy, I'm lazy and wouldn't understand), or that nothing happened so its ok, or he will turn it back on me and equate it to a mistake I may have made.

I fear that (as in marriage) he is pushing the boundaries, trying to a) make unacceptable behaviours seem acceptable by citing how similiar it is to 'normal' behaviour and b)testing how far he can go.

Have no RL support so if I go into stopping access, it will be unbearable. But I will do the right thing.....just what is it?

Oxford...I hope you are right. I do look at the big picture sometimes and it destroys me, I get very upset for my children. I see my brother be responsible about putting suncream on his children and I am a bit shocked TBH that he does it without being reminded/nagged (I do realise how daft that sounds, but that is where I have got to). Ex (or STBXH) will not take any responsibility for them. Full stop.

I am a bit afraid that I go to SS, they telephone him or bring him in for a chat/mild slap on the wrist. THEN he will turn on me (always in front of DC) and sneer that they haven't sided with me. I am afraid of handing him the stick to beat me with.
Oh well. It will have to be done.

better that is interesting about the solctr. I was very nervous meeting Ex's solicitor. But was able to simultaneously step away from the situation and see that his language and body language was all about intimidating and dominating me.

What should I tackle first? I am due to see my own GP anyway...will I bring it up there? She has heard from me before about the Psychiatric stuff. Then telephone SS again.
I will also have to s/w my own Solctr and bring this into the picture for him.

Speak to you solicitor first but have detailed points you want to make and evidence of as much of it as you can - time is money with them. When did you meet his solicitor?

hissy thank you for taking the time to write all that.
I am overwhelmed when its all down like that.
And slightly defensive......I did draw a line about his sexual abuse of me, that was the point at which he left.
He left expecting me to fall apart so he could march back in as 'King of the Castle'. I didnt let him.

I have done extensive work with a counsellor. I've had counselling for my children.
I had an idea that his 'hurt' would dissipate and that we would become reasonable and polite with each other...that hope has been blown out of the water.
I've ensured that he was involved in birthdays, Christmas, 'family' events, sports days etc etc. I chased him essentially to keep him in their lives...but unwittingly gave him exactly what he wanted. Control over us while he went on his merry way.

When my children tell me stuff, I agree that 'thats not how you treat people', 'Daddy must have not been in charge of his temper', 'we dont talk about people llike that'.

The bottom has fallen out of my world over the last few years.

OP I know how you feel re your brother. My brother and his gf were going to take their dc swimming so he said, "Right I'll get the swimming stuff sorted then." Recently a male friend posted pics of a fun thing he had set up for his dd in the garden (note: fun for her not just what he wanted to do himself). I caught myself being surprised at these and thought WTF!? Of course it's normal, how odd that I find it odd.

Ex told me that the police told him I was wasting their time. WA assured me they wouldn't say that. They phoned a few times to make sure things were ok so I think it's pretty unlikely. But I still believe him tbh because he knows how to make me feel shit.

Incidently I had the same experience with WA, first time I called I didn't really explain what was going on because I wasn't really aware.

Thanks WC. Its funny isn't it, how its going on around you and you cant see it. I am the frog in the warmed pot of water.

Ok. My resolve is stiffened, and I will talk to proper people on Monday (maybe tel Police tomorrow to find out if/who their domestic voilence person is?)

I might keep this thread going to keep reminding myself that I am not BU and that the overall picture is bad.

Sweety, i know how overwhelming this all is.

I really do. I know you will feel defensive, because the truth is so far away from where you want it to be.

Gradually, you will be able to look at the truth and accept it. please know that YOU didn't do this. he did.

YOU taking charge of things from now on will SAVE the children from repeating these patterns, from growing up thinking this is OK, normal, acceptable.

If your DC let stuff like this slip out at school, the school will have to act. If YOU act, if YOU ask for help and support, you will really help yourself and your DC.

I don't deal with sexual abuse I suffered either. It's there, but I choose to not think about it. One day I may address it, maybe i won't have to. That was a different person, who lived by very different rules, that she had no influence in making.

If there is anyone there, I could do with a shoulder?
I telephoned police & am waiting for DV person to contact me (prob tomorrow).
Have GP appt made. Am also waiting for SS to telephone me back.

I've read over my notes on his behaviour with me and the children since he left and I have been so blind and stupid.
I've made every mistake in the book, thinking that when he left it was a temporary insanity on his part. When every single action he took was telling me that he has/had no respect for me or DC. [sob]

Great. You're getting the right people on board. Don't minimise when you speak to them. Don't hold back when you talk to them. Let the GP know about the clickable porn links etc. If she's on the ball your GP will be obliged to report this to SS, which will help with keeping your family safe.

It's tough this part, when you start to see just how awful things have been. You've not been stupid or blind you've been subconsciously protecting yourself. Until now you've been minimising it; a habit that's necessary for survival when you're in an abusive relationship. If you realise just how awful things are before you have the strength to leave, you'd fall apart. Seeing the truth now means that you're stronger and able to face it and do something about it.
But beware of the minimising habit. Check your reactions to stuff that makes your radar beep. Don't for one minute accept that you're a drama llama.

Please don't beat yourself up :( we have shitfacedexs for that
One step at a time - in the right direction.
More and more will become clear :(, but think of these thoughts as shining a light on dark places.
Sending strength

Thanks.
I feel very foolish. I've lurked here long enough to know better.
And I have minimised it to outsiders here....because I'm strong you know.
Well that strength is my greatest weakness, because I have dealt with and hidden un-dealable stuff.
And now I need strength to really fight a war with him.

Enough now. I'm no longer engaging with him at any level.

The nice policeman I spoke to said to tel 999 next time (and I apologised for wasting his time ) but nice policeman told me that what I was describing was a priority....oh, dear my stomach falls at that. It would have suited me nicely is he told me not to be worrying, all will be well.

You are not foolish and you are strong.
And all will be well - it will be a slow painful process - but things will get better.
Glad police were helpful :) First step to collecting help.

WELL DONE! You are not stupid, or blind. You have done something very difficult; something that a lot of people in your situation would not have the insight or strength to do.

What matters now is that you have done it. You know now, unequivocably, that the police take this very seriously and see it as a priority. Try to see that as not you being foolish, but your instincts as a mother being correct. You have done something hard, something to save your children. Please try to see the good you have done.

As regards minimising: it is a natural thing to do, it is a coping mechanism. The mind is set up to minimise to cope. And do not forget another important fact about minimising and dealing with an abuser - you are a normal, decent, non-abusive person. You can't understand why he is like he is, you can only understand him from your own perspective. So it is easy to make excuses or not link behaviour, because you are thinking of reasons why you might fail a child in such and such a way, overlooking the stark fact that he does so because he doesn't care and possibly even enjoys it, whereas if you forgot to do X, there's be a legitimate reason why, or at least no malice behind it. Does that make sense?

Again: well done you. You realise you have changed your children's future for the better today, don't you?

Thanks haverer and oxford.
I will feel foolish for a while, and then get on with it. I am an intelligent, articulate woman. I should have known better.

But I was thinking about this and realised that I can spend my energy beating myself up about it, or I can do something.

So...onward and upward, into the breech, never give up etc

I know exactly how you feel, I still feel a bit foolish but less so, for all the reasons given above and wonderful support from people on here and professional help and recommended books. I know just what you mean about the strong thing - it is like a new strong you need to feel - I did the strong, I can cope with it thing and I was but I was also putting up with it - now you need to not put up with it type of strong and stay strong as you were/are.

Feeling foolish is normal, but nonetheless misplaced.

You were duped, by someone very skilled at duping.

You are strong, intelligent and know now what you have to do. better late than never and you have the rest of your life to grow and learn from this if you want to.

We're all here for you! You really are doing great!

Thank you.
I've spoken to Police & SS, both of whom feel that as nothing has actually happened, they cannot intervene. My worry is that he is testing boundaries (would have been a feature while we were together) and that if I dont draw a line, he will continue to push things.

So I've spoken to my GP, telling him that I just wanted it noted.
I am also going to bring it up with Solicitor and have it in writing to his solicitor. He can kick off about it if he wants, but the line is there.