Will my kids be ok?

[RollerCola]

My husband & I have separated & he's about to move into a flat. While I'm 100% sure that it's the right decision (many years of unhappiness) I still feel terribly guilty about the disruption & upset that the kids are going through. They are 11 & 6.

The younger one seems ok for now & is quite accepting of it all. My dd though has just started high school & I'm terrified that I'm causing her such major stress at a time that she needs support. She's going through different emotions & I know she's finding it difficult to understand.

Can anyone advise or reassure me that they'll be ok? I feel so guilty.

It's all going to depend on how you and your ex present this. Even though you can't be together as a couple, you have a duty and a responsibility to your DCs that's going to require you act as a team.

Your DCs will have presumably seen or heard things if you've both been so unhappy. They're old enough to understand that people fall out and they probably know other kids who have divorced parents. So the challenge is to be as open as necessary, keep them in the loop without burdening them with too many gory details, work hard to make sure their lives are as normal as possible and - above all - make them feel secure and loved. As I say, it's team effort.

Personally I think more DCs are screwed up by warring parents that stay together 'for the kids' than by those that separate intelligently.

Thanks Cogito, we're trying our best to keep them as involved as possible and I'm making sure I talk to them often in as positive a way as possible.

I'm careful not to say anything bad about their dad to them, and we don't really have big arguments that they hear, but this is partly why dd is finding it hard to understand.

She's a sensible girl so I hope that in time she'll be able to see for herself the issues that we've had. I just worry so much about them. This wasn't how it was meant to be - I've always felt it was so important for them to have a good stable family but it's just not to be

I just hope my h will stay as involved in their lives as he says he will.

Cant add anything to what Cogito has said.
Ensure that any anger/dismay/puzzlement they feel is heard and accepted. (It will come at some point).
Keep your emotions and your need for support to yourself. Avoid any confrontation with ex in their presence. Get all access/finances tied down now while things are amicable (just in case it gets bad- it has in my case but dont want to project that onto you).

I found that DC needed help about 9 months after, when it seemed to settle in their heads that this is really happening. I let school know, and they have had support there.

Roller - it is going to affect them, of course it is. Any big life changing event affects us and shapes us... however, we often have to take the 'lesser of two evils' approach to these decisions and you both being happier apart is better than you being unhappy together for all of you.

She is 11, she is old enough to be told as honestly as you can about why/how your marriage broke down & why you are unhappy. You can explain all of this without 'blaming' anyone. Just be factual. It is harder when they 'don't understand' than when they do.

It is your marriage, but their family and I think children have a right to 'know' the facts in an age appropriate way. I truely believe that this helps them come to terms with it and does less damage in their future relationships.

Support all your H's contact with your kids, but don't take responsibility for it. You just need to concentrate on your relationship with them and let him deal with his with them. You can't make it happen if he's not putting the effort in and you will just tear yourself apart trying to do it. How he acts is not within your control and neither is it your responsibility.

I'm sure this isn't what you wanted :( it's not what we plan when we get married and have children, but it is what's happening and now you just have to make the happiest life you can for you and your kids
x

"we don't really have big arguments that they hear, but this is partly why dd is finding it hard to understand."

Then you have to explain that you and Dad were very unhappy together and have decided it's best to live separately. That's not bad-mouthing anyone, it's just helping her understand. It's fairly normal for DCs to try to come up with solutions that would keep you together but you have to shut this down fairly promptly and not engage. 'We've decided' is enough.

They still have a stable family btw, it just happens to be a two-centre family rather than everyone under one roof. You can make that sound like a positive.

Thanks for your replies. Both children were talking to me about it yest so I encouraged them in as positive way I could.

They're mainly asking about the logistics of it all - how will I get to school from dad's etc so I'm focusing on putting their minds at ease as best I can.

They both seem quite matter-of-fact about it at the moment but I think it might change when it sinks in that he doesn't actually live here any more.

I just hope they both understand better when they're a bit older.

Fwiw u think they will prob remain matter if fact about it. Children usually are more accepting about things than adults. My dc are much younger but have just accepted that daddy doesn't live here anymore. It's only when he dicks about with contact that my 3 year old misses him.

I felt exactly as you do, agonized that they wouldn't have a "stable" family. 6 months down the line I can happily report that they really do. They are happy and content and our home is a happy one. They still have two parents who love and cherish them. Yours will too, and if you're eventually happier because of the split, the home will be too. X