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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worthless

10 replies

Whoaminow1 · 14/09/2013 03:55

7weeks since husband leftsaying he doesn't love me after 28 yrs.Such a total shock.He is back here every dayas his office is here at home.He runs a Buisness involving many people from our house in a outbuilding.Tryig to cope with 4 kids and trying to carry on with my career.He is reluctant to sell home as it has financial ties to house.I feel so rejected,tonight I didn't take a sleeping tab so now I'm knackered and have a full day ahead of me.Constantly trying to move forwards- seeing a councellor( on my own, he refuses) regularly chatting to Dr.But this sense of grief is shit,can't even imagine how I'm going to have a positive future when I have totally been defined and loved being part of his life.The kids are coping well, they adore their Dad and I am trying to be positive for them- they have open access to him.I drive home from work and feel totally worthless, everything I've invested in has been thrown in my face

OP posts:
Purpleknickers · 14/09/2013 04:27

Hello I don't know if you are still awake, your situation sadly is not unusual there are many people on here that have been through the same including me, although I have only one DC

You are not worthless, please don't think like that.I know at the moment things seem very bleak but the fact that your DC's are coping shows that you are a good mum. When more people wake up you will get some good advice on how to cope from people who who will know what your next steps need to be.
In the meantime I hope you manage to get some sleep. The early days are the worst but I promise you, you will get through it, one way or another.

Original poster
Whoaminow1 · 14/09/2013 04:32

Thanks I've taken sleeping tablet now, why do thing feel so crap at this time in morning.

OP posts:
Purpleknickers · 14/09/2013 04:47

The wee small hours, they get all of us at some time or another and everything seems worse. You need sleep to cope so I'm glad you've had a sleeping tablet now although you may feel groggy when you have to get up. I know it's hard but one foot in front of the other, eat, breath and look after your DC's is the main priority tomorrow. The rest can be sorted in good time with some good advice on here later today.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 07:18

I'm not surprised you feel worthless. Currently everything is out of your control and he's calling all the shots. Rejecting you but swanning back into your home every day is horribly cruel. I know you're feeling shocked and grief-stricken and I hope you're getting some emotional support from friends and family, but I think you have to wrestle back control of this situation ASAP and, to do that, you'll need some professional help in the form of good legal representation.

Staying positive for the kids usually means suppressing your real emotions.... and that's not healthy. So I'd say get mad, get moving and get a lawyer. Good luck

Walkacrossthesand · 14/09/2013 08:06

Some ideas: (1) the business he runs is in an outbuilding, things should be set up so he has no need to come to the house. If they aren't (toilet facilities etc) then this needs to be rectified/he needs to be looking for somewhere else to run his business as the house where you and DC live is no longer his home and cannot be used for his business. (2) Seeing the DCs is now called 'contact time' and happens at a planned time, where he comes & collects them, and returns them at an agreed time.
I suspect this is the kind of advice you will get from a lawyer in your free 30min consultation.
Do you know where he is living now and who he is living with?

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 14/09/2013 08:21

You certainly are not worthless. You perhaps lived a bit under your husband's shadow for nearly three decades, which is a very secure place to be until that security blanket is suddenly pulled away.

Purple and cogito's advice really is to the point and spot on. You WILL come out of this very sad situation and you will get to meet 'who you really are' and I am sure once you are reaquainted with that person, you will be very proud of her. Good luck.

Original poster
Whoaminow1 · 26/09/2013 23:20

how low can you go. my husband left me at the beginning of -August, suddenly when I found out he had sent one of my oldest Freinds a £80 present. we had been married 23 years. No sorry no let's do counselling just walked, said 'we had not been happy for years'The friend has only been around for two years and in this time I have welcomed her in my home as my friend.And funnily enough she has been texting my husband for chats. I told her nicely to back off one year ago. I thought my husband was stressed through working hard running his own Buisness so I have been working and looking after kids. because of this 'stress' he went racing classic cars with his best friend- the brother of this girl.Now I have found out this guy left his wife at the same time as my husband left me.She has been devistated. So these two men with five kids between them who have just left their wives have just had a jolly old week away racing- sending happy phone pictures to the children.They are planning another jaunt next month ( over my 10 year old boys birthday) Whilst I face a new life ,financial worries, worries over my kids happiness. I feel let down by my husband, one of my oldest girlfreinds( who he says he is not in love with or slept with although they dated at 18) and what can I say about his male best freind!! Do men really have midlife crisis together

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 07:36

I wouldn't downplay it as a midlife crisis. This is just good old-fashioned selfish behaviour and a man thinking with his cock.... happens at any age. 'Not been happy for years' is so often code for 'I've been shagging around' that it's almost a cliche. I'm glad you're angry and have dropped any pity for him because indignant fury at being treated like an idiot will get you a lot further right now than the original 'worthless' feelings you had at the outset. Take advantage of it and .. as I said before... get mad, get moving and get a lawyer.

KouignAmann · 27/09/2013 08:14

I get the feeling that your H hasn't thought this through properly and has been carried away thinking he and BF are Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. That didn't end well did it?

I would second getting some bracing legal advice about your right to the family home and half the business. I suspect that the threat of being forced to sell up the business and still support you and the DC might take some of the gloss off his new single life. Even if you don't intend to go through with it you need to cut him out of family life now, and get very tough over finances.

At the very least it will show him what he stands to lose. Expect him grovelling back by Christmas, by which time we may have convinced you you deserve better!
Was he a good husband? Did he pull his weight and make you feel valued?

onefewernow · 27/09/2013 08:31

Yes, legal advice. It will take the gloss off.

He's a piece of work, isn't he? Thinking he can take off with OW, keep his privacy and then Sean back every day?

It's time he felt some real discomfort and inconvenience. Make sure he does!

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