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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

was this wrong? did I go too far?

15 replies

TeaCuresEverything · 13/09/2013 23:41

I was on a work night out tonight. my colleague who I sit next to was there. we get on really well and I really like him. we have a lot in common. we're the same age and we both married young. we both have young kids and we both struggle in our marriages.

tonight, the alcohol was flowing. we were both drunk. we were alone together for a while. I was really enjoying his company.

when we said goodbye it was just us. we hugged and kissed eachother on the cheek. then on the mouth. closed mouth.

I know this was wrong. I like this man. I know how awful it is. I'm disgusted with myself.

OP posts:

Bumpstarter · 13/09/2013 23:55

Don't beat yourself up. Treat this as the shock to jump start your marriage. If it is dead, leave.

NamelessMcNally · 13/09/2013 23:58

I kiss my GFIL on the closed mouth. He's 96. Doesn't mean a thing and nothing to get disgusted about. Unless you meant a heck of a lot more than a peck indicated in which case lay off the booze around him and avoid being alone outside work.

springydafty · 14/09/2013 00:19

You sailed close to the wind. Next time it'll be too far. If you don't want to wreck your marriage, keep out of his way, don't spend time with just you and him - don't be daft, of course something is going to happen if you keep asking for it to happen. Just because you're married (or married young), doesn't mean you're not going to find people attractive, sometimes very attractive. Just don't go there. Don't sit next to him, don't sail close to the wind - it has a way of snapping you up before you know what's happened. Then you really feel shit.

FrancescaBell · 14/09/2013 00:51

If you're swapping tales about your bad marriages and you fancy eachother, this has got affair written all over it.

Very bad news for your marriages and your professional reputations at work.

Don't mention the kiss to him, start putting some distance between you, lay off the booze and the work socials until you resolve things one way or another in your marriage.

ofmiceandmen · 14/09/2013 06:44

You both struggle in your marriage

Ever consider that he struggles in his marriage because he spends the night away from his young kids kissing other women?
View this from his wifes perspective -Your really nice guy stumbles in at some odd hour, waffles on about who he's been out with when asked and smells of another woman and has the odd smudge of lipstick on his lip and cheek.

Do you think that maybe this is why he is having problems at home?

It must be great for his DW to be running around looking after his DC whilst he spills his guts about his problems to you (poor guy) and gets to kiss you (awww so sweet)

Perhaps there is a happy ever after where he leaves you at home with all the DC and he talks to another woman about how all those dc and you are a 'problem' and he kisses her.

I doubt it was accidental that you ended up alone. I think this has been building up to this and I think he is enjoying it.
You know he's not questioning it and you know if you initiated he would go all the way.
Is this the guy you really like? Is this your version of a trophy?

Yes he is really great isn't he.

If too harsh - just mark me down as not having slept too well.

ofmiceandmen · 14/09/2013 07:02

Ps - he also has a lot in common with his wife - which is why I guess they got married (oh but wait she doesn't work with him- so you have that over her )

You'll notice I never mentioned your H or your Dc because in this world your constructing they have fallen into the 'family problems' column. And no amount of reason involving them will strike a chord. You've gone too far for that.

You sit next to this man at work. He gets to see you more than your DH, will know what gets you to tick, will share the highs and lows and the funny moments your H will not.
And maybe H is an utter knob - who knows.
So he will always have the advantage.

Good luck - this is now about where your boundaries lie.

ofmiceandmen · 14/09/2013 07:04

Shock I did it your for you're - I do so hate that - blasted iPhone

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 07:20

Why are you discussing your marital problems with a work colleague?

Don't have an affair. They cause so much destruction.

Either get out of your marriage or try to fix it (couples counselling?)

Back away from this man. He sounds like a slimy chancer anyhow.

Original poster

TeaCuresEverything · 14/09/2013 08:05

thank you for your input.

my dh is not a bad man, he's just lost interest in me but won't leave because he refuses to disrupt ds's life and only see him half the time. So I live like that.

the guy at work is honestly a lovely man. He's devoted to his kids. I honestly don't think we'd have gone any further. I would not ever want to be responsible for breaking up a family.

I guess I just want to feel the same for dh that I do for my colleague.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 14/09/2013 08:40

Yes of course it went too far. If you have any respect for your marriage then stop discussing your problems with this man, stop the I to ate chats and never be alone with him where alcohol is involved.

SarahBumBarer · 14/09/2013 08:45

"he refuses to disrupt DS's life and only see him half the time"

It's not just his choice though is it? I think the reason you behaved as you did is because you seem to have forgotten that you do have a choice yourself. When people feel trapped I think they do sometimes act it in a way that seems to give them choices or perhaps forces other people to make choices but they are rarely good options that you get in such circumstances.

Stuff DH. What do you want?

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 08:50

Why are you letting your husband make all the decisions?

If he has lost interest in you and has no intention of doing anything to get the interest back divorce him and find someone else.

jojoanna · 14/09/2013 09:09

I would stop day dreaming about the work colleague and sort your marriage.
Dont start an affair on the strength or a perceived bond about both of you struggling with your marriages.

People don’t look very far ahead or very far at all considering he sits next to you when somebody else appears to wake up an emotion that might have been dormant awhile.

FamiliesShareGerms · 14/09/2013 09:12

Use this as a wake up call. Yes, it was wrong, yes you went too far, but you don't need to let it go any further.

Put your efforts into repairing your marriage or negotiating a civilised divorce, not lusting after a colleague.

DuelingFanjo · 14/09/2013 09:15

Ah, so you have feelings for your work colleague?

You can't have both. Make a decision. Do you want to work on your marriage? Then do so. If you can't be bothered to then leave.

Ideally your work partner would do the same and leave his wife. The chances of either of you doing this are minimal. Grow up and take some responsibility.

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