Not sure if this is an AIBU but feeling fed up.

[littlebritain]

Hi all,
I have been a lurker for a while and never really been into forums etc so I kind of found out about mumsnet through the media and clicked out of curiosity. Anyway, I soon learnt that you are a great source of wisdom and have been hooked ever since.
My husband works away a lot, late hours etc etc (you know the drill) while I am left at home to work full time and look after 3 children. We are at vey demanding stages of their lives (A-levels, GCSE's, Pre teen hormones). When I had three pre school kids life was tough and this stage is probably even tougher. So hubby is away for three nights this week and last night he rings at 10.45pm, i am exhausted after working, taking 2 DS to footy and DD to dance then helping with homework etc. He is slightly drunk as he got back to hotel with (male) colleague and sat in bar for 2 hours drinking. I tried to be positive i.e. talked about footy scores for boys etc etc but he was so switched off I just felt like it was a one sided conversation.
Tonight he rings me....I am in the middle of juggling cooking/homework and distressed call for DS2 to collect from training as he is wet/cold/tired/hungry. I literally have hubby on house phone and son on mobile so tell hubby I have to go. Hubby rings me at 9pm and asks why I am so hostile on the phone??? Erm hello, I am actually multi tasking. I than said that I think he picks the wrong times to ring and should maybe consider what family like is like before he picks up the phone...he knows our routine and trigger times but still chooses these times to ring. I also said I find it disrespectful that he rings me half cut when I am going to bed. I then added (and maybe I should't have) that he seems to have the best deal..a full nights sleep in hotel, just himself to think about, drinking with colleagues etc without the family responsibility. he then told me I am completely unreasonable and basically my life is easy because all I have to do is drive the kids from A to B. Apparently I want to stop his rest time by making him feel guilty for having a few drinks and I could have just relaxed by having a few wines myself.
i really do not have a problem with him having a few drinks, my issue is that he then rings me and is tipsy and I am tired and just want to sleep. I would rather he rang me at a decent time (pre-drink) so we could have a quality chat about any issues. Apparently this is unreasonable because his colleague can't be kept waiting :( (but still has time to drink beer for 2hrs)
I guess I am just tired and over emotional but I feel quite alone right now. My issues are probably quite petty ( took hubby's advice and drank wine tonight). I don't even know what I want from this but maybe ask you all, am I being petty to want a conversation with my husband without him being half cut, and I am I normal for feeling that I he has the best end of the deal? (what I'd give for a night in a hotel with only myself to think about!)

Sorry if this this should be in AIBU x

Arrange a night out for yourself perhaps? You can get a babysitter if necessary.

I think you sound a bit bored and lonely and are envying your Dh who isn't.

Can you share lifts with another football mum? Arrange a homework club? Make your life a bit more fun?

Yes,you are right, I am bored. i know I am envying him too because I would love to just kick back and drink wine, but I can't: I am up at 5.45 each day to get us ready and AND OUT TO WORK/SCHOOL/COLLEGE. For me, midweek drinking isn't an option. We have a night out with friend arranged for tomorrow but he is already saying he may be late. Then he is up at 6am on Sun to drive back to work :( Basically this weekend he will be home for a grand amount of of 11hr...7 of this will be spent sleeping. yet I am the one with the problem when I fell alone. Lets face it I am a single parent without the benefits of having free time every other weekend.

Sorry for typing errors..the wine has kicked in. I'mnot a drinker ha ha

I think yanbu. He needs to respond to your request about phone calls more positively than by just saying effectively "same to you" (about the easy end of the deal). However, if you had that conversation with him while you were irate, it may have come across in your tone. So, although hibu, it's not surprising. Why don't you phone him up... At a variety of times... With 'quality chat about any issue' at the ready. See how he responds.

P.s. Drinking alcohol is not a healthy way to relax daily.

You don't have to answer the phone if it isn't convenient you know

Ps, 5;45 EVERY morning? No wonder you are exhausted!

And what's with leaving at 6am on Sunday? What's the point in coming home for such a short spell (except for a shag?) can't he request flexible working hours so he works through one weekend and gets a proper long weekend every other weekend?

How much do your children do for themselves and help out around the house?

You sound frazzled. You are up at silly o'clock. They are all from the sounds of it of an age where they can get themselves up and fed and ready to go, where they can help with preparing meals and do their homework by themselves.

That might give you more time to relax a little and catch sight of who you are.

Bumpstarter, Thanks..and I know alcohol isn't the way.. i really hardly ever drink Because I am up so early. I honestly can't function with it. That's why I was upset at his comment of "there's nothing to stop you having a drink on a week night" I even asked him if he thought it appropriate that I drink then get up early and drive our kids to school and myself to work. His answer was No. I'd just like time to relax..I don't need alcohol.

Rhonda- The kids do muck in...take dog on eve walk, do dishes clean kitchen. But with 3 sporty kids there is always somewhere to drive, kit to clean etc etc and whilst they are fairly independent learners I do try to be involved with homework...sometimes this is the only link you have with school life.

Lemon, I have ignored the phone in the past or answered to say just on way out/ dishing out tea but this seems to be them used against me as being moody or obstructive. ( I admit if I am busy I am not always chatty and rush him off phone)

P.s when I say get "US" ready it mainly involved nagging them to get put of bed..etc etc.. I don't dress them anymore ha ha.....That would just be wrong.

I guess it had just got to me. I understand why my husband has to work long hours and has to work weekends. And I honestly don't resent that....i married into this life and understand it. I just wish the understanding came back in return :(

P.s Bumstarter...he wouldn't come home Sat if we didn't have an arrangement with friends. Unfortunately flexible hours are not an option. His job is 2hrs away from home and weekends/unsociables are part of the package. Oh and remind me again..what is a shag? Ha ha

So he starts 8am on Sunday?

I don't get it. If unsociables is part of the deal, he must get some time off sometime? ....

I'm sorry to hear you have forgotten what shagging is! Remind yourself, it is great fun, and helps you relax!

Yes..8.30 this Sunday. He is off all day next Saturday. He will be home around 8pm Fri night then back in work 8am Sunday....you are right, I'll use this time to remind us both of the delights of carnal pleasure :)

Oh and he usually has a weekday off Tues or Weds. Great for him as he has the whole day home alone so no responsibility. What I would give for a day to myself.

Thanks for the advise, I'll make a huge effort when he finally gets home tonight. Off to take my DD to dance now. I am going to sit in the car and read a book while I wait :)

My dh is away a lot. A LOT! Sometimes three weeks at a time.

I have three too and while I don't work full time, I study too. I feel your pain!

He is quite sympathetic though when he phones if I've had a bad day. And as soon as he's back I'm off the clock for 24 hours! (Should say, my children are younger: 7,5 and most 3).

You are exhausted and he's not grasping how difficult it is. Sometimes dh does this.

I can manage without inconvenient interruptions as I'm sure you can! Drunk phone calls are most definitely inconvenient!

Book yourself a day off work on the Tuesday or Wednesday that he's off. TELL him to do the school run etc.

Get up late and take yourself out for the whole day. Have dinner with friends etc.

Then, when you come home, ask him if it's easy

Are there any sport things or dance lessons he can be taking them to on his Tuesday/ Wednesday? Can he spend the day doing the weekly shop and cooking the dinner so it's all ready when you get home? This is the minimum you do on your day off, so it's not unreasonable to expect him to muck in.

Agree with Bumpstarter. If you work full time, are doing the majority of childcare/housework etc the LEAST he could do is batch cook and clean on the Tuesday.

My partner used to feel that as he was working night shift, he was exempt from housework/cooking etc. I kindly pointed out that I was working the exact same hours as him, getting less sleep and doing majority of childcare. When he was bringing in a wage that enabled me to be a housewife/SAHM, then I would consider the position. He soon started contributing