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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Intimate emails or am I being paranoid??

38 replies

honeybeeridiculous · 13/09/2013 21:57

I'm a lurker but reading the good advice,on the whole! that I read on MN
Thought I would ask you lovely people for some advice.
DH has a female friend at his footy club, she has sons that play and helps out with charity do's, & attends committee meetings etc, she is the same age as me and we have chatted on occasions.
Anyway, DH sends out funny e mails to mates etc & she is one of the recipients, just lately,we'll, over the last 6 months, I have read some e mails that have a bit more content;
HIM: hope that e mail didn't offend u
HER: you never offend me, you always pay me compliments,your so sweet & cheer me up
HIM; your just perfect, your always smiling......
I could go on but may vomit! she always puts an 'x' and he sometimes does too, she always says 'sorry I missed you at club today' or 'see u next week xx'
He goes to great lengths to make his e mails very chatty which makes me laugh as he struggles to converse with me at times!
Sorry it's rambling but am I paranoid or what?
Just to say, I don't go to the club often as feel intimidated by OW, she's slimmer than me and it seems everyone loves her and the place would fall apart without her, bitter, moi?! (Confused)
Also, he doesn't know I can access his mail!

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 12:24

Print or screenshot everything you find. And yes, get access to his phone. Is it password protected?

DownstairsMixUp · 14/09/2013 12:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 14/09/2013 13:36

They are crossing the line. A normal exchange would be, thanks for the lift. Not thanks for the lift, you are so lovely.

I agree with gut instinct. The first email exchange I found, XH said to OW, "you're a very clever girl to know so much" after she gave him advice on high blood pressure. Inappropriate response to his mates wife, which made me instantly suspicious, leading to the later discovery if thousands of texts.

Your H may not have gone any further with this woman but it is out of order and can often lead to more.

If you can have the conversation with him then that's good but keep an eye in how he behaves with his mobile, is he secretive with it.

Original poster

honeybeeridiculous · 14/09/2013 20:36

He's mobile is always in his pocket but last time I checked there was nothing on it worth getting worried about, We went out today and I steered the chat round to her, he assures me there's nothing going on and they are just friends, apparently I am making a mountain out of a molehill.He offered to stop the footy but think he knows I wouldn't ask him to do that as DS is involved so much with the club as well,
I've not let on that I can read his e mails but he said that they don't e mail every day like I'm making out that they do, he just sends her funny e mails occasionally and she sometimes replies . I've left it at that and will play it by ear. I really think he thinks he's doing nothing wrong as nothing physical has happened, men eh?! Why do we bother?!

OP posts:

EverybodysStressyEyed · 14/09/2013 20:41

I would have been tempted to call his bluff and say 'oh that would reassure me so much, I can take DS to footy going forward'

wonder what his reaction would have been

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 20:51

Yes I would have taken him up on his offer to stop the football just to see if he really meant it. Why didn't he offer to stop emailing her?

FrancescaBell · 14/09/2013 22:02

I don't like the way he is reacting to this at all. The phone always being in his pocket when there aren't young kids in the house to play with it is another red flag. He might be deleting stuff. Does he get bills you could see?

You realised he's lied to your face now then? The E mails you saw could hardly be described as 'funny' or 'jokey'. They are intimate and full of compliments for her.

I'm still not convinced that she's actually interested in an affair with him, but as usual it wouldn't matter if she was. It seems fairly obvious that he is with her because he's now lying to cover up what he's already done and what his intentions are.

The giving up football was a bluff he knew you wouldn't call. Very manipulative.

Have you had the talk yet where you lay it on the line that if he's unfaithful- emotionally or physically- you won't hesitate to end the relationship?

Original poster

honeybeeridiculous · 14/09/2013 22:40

So much to think about! cant access his mobile bills, all done online with a password. DH is asleep now but im gonna ask him to stop e mailng her tomorrow. Ive been thinking that if hes not at home hes at work or at the club,( him and DS go there on a fri night) so dont think they have a chance to be physical, but need to get through to him that im hurt and offended. should i speak to OW about e mails do you think? iv got her mobile number!

OP posts:

Yakky · 14/09/2013 22:48

Not a good idea to email her. As others have pointed out, she could be the innocent party, with your DH doing all the chasing. So contacting her would just cause you loads of embarrassment. Anyway, it's your DH you need to speak to. Tell him to stop acting like a lovesick teenager because it's making you very unhappy.

JustinBsMum · 14/09/2013 23:58

I would give it some time and thought before emailing her. How much time does he spend at club? Can he cut it back, if it's only a Fri night with DS it's not much but considering it's once a week, his emails seem very friendly.

Rereading his comments to her I would not be happy just with a 'serious talk' with him, they seem very inappropriate.

What about sending them to her DH, as your DH says they are just funny emails between friends so I am sure her DH will think they are amusing too and not be at all put out.

Is her DH at the club too?

BerylStreep · 15/09/2013 12:30

DO NOT EMAIL HER OR HER DH!

You will look like a possessive unhinged loon, no matter how justified your suspicions are, and it will spectacularly backfire on you.

WhiteandGreen · 15/09/2013 14:28

Thing is, she can do what she likes. You have no idea what sort of marriage she has, what her husband would think acceptable, and I think you will look a bit crazy if you contact her.

Original poster

honeybeeridiculous · 15/09/2013 15:21

Thanks everyone, You are all right, I should not contact her and I'm not going to, I have said to DH that of course I don't mind him having friends, I have male friends too but what upsets me is the intimacy, he says he understands now that i am hurt but it was never meant in a sexual way, I honestly still don't think he realises what he has said to her could be read the wrong way, apparently the original e mail he sent which he asked her if she was offended about was a dyson advert showing a naked fat woman having her fat sucked away! (He showed me it) he then as an afterthought thought she might take offence and think he was saying she was fat!
SO.....what now? We have agreed to talk more and he will think before he types!! Watch this space I guess

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