Do I miss him, or do I just miss the familiarity and company?

[stopthebusiwanttogetoff]

Sorry, just getting typing therapy here I think, though any insight will be very much appreciated.

We split up a year ago, two young dcs, and the kids and i moved out in January. In May we sold the old family home which he had stayed in, and he moved into a local flat. In June we decided to try again and he moved in with us. And on the 1st Sept he moved out again.

The kids are happy and seem non pulsed - no crying or asking questions (other than can I take my book/toy/slippers etc), and have been sleeping at his two nights and mine five nights when we have been separated. No asking for either parent when away, they're used to seeing more of me than him anyway due to work/travel - having to cook for them etc is all new for him but he is coping really well.

I feel like we haven't given splitting up or trying again a proper attempt. We've just been in limbo, two mates raising kids with little attraction or communication, but friendship is there - eating and watching box sets together for example!

We were together for 17years, from when I was 18, and I have always wondered if I was only in it because I listened to everyone's opinion that I couldn't do better and was amazingly lucky to have such a catch. There was no passionate beginning, I was amazed someone like him wanted me, and while he was far from my type I was very flattered and we just played happy families from there on I think.

I don't know. I'm worried this indecision could mess up the dcs, though I'm also aware that they are better being from a broken me than in one. I want us all to be happy, and loved, and I want some headspace and time out to be on my own. Sorry, not sure what I'm getting at, I just wish I knew if we should keep trying to be together or not.

I hate that I have this, probably irrational fear, that I am letting his family down by not putting up with him!

No, offred, you are very kindly making sure that they still see the ?DGC. Are you a people-pleaser? (see EA support thread for thoughts on this - but this seems to be a theme among many of us on there).

*?SGC

Yes, I suppose I can be. My parents are very unsupportive though and knowing how that feels and not wishing that in him, I think it would be right for his friends and family to prioritise him right now and that might include at the very least distancing themselves from me.

I feel the same re the family. DH told his parents a for nights ago and they are coming up to see us next weekend! Haven't been up for a year. They will stay in. B&b between me and dh's house, all within spitting distance of each other. I don't know whether to to keep kids in their usual routine, or whether we all hang out together or what.

My dad doesn't know and my mother is adamant I see sense and get back with him, she's making me really question my judgement tbh, keeps claiming I see every little incident differently to everyone else, and that I need counselling and am over sensitive etc. Exhausting, but I have good friends thank God.

Offred it is so hard choosing who to tell, and when, and what to say. A few of my friends have been outstandingly supportive, others blatantly driven by their own desire for a "single" or "couple" friend! My dh has at least told me each time he has told someone, for which I am grateful. When we split in January it was a big secret and I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, so it's a fucking relief that its in the open now, feels more accepted, and acceptable. I had a real wobble again of Saturday as I was hungover, but have had a good day today.

Hope your weekend has gone well.

Weekend has been a bit difficult. Everything is just utterly normal. He seems to have no feelings about anything. I feel like an emotional wreck!

I'm not surprised, I am incredibly emotional and flip from happy to tears pretty quickly. He normality of everything is good in a way, but also off putting. Do you think he's battling away on the inside, or in denial?! My DM apparently can't stop crying for me, and has phoned everyone we know to tell them how miserable she is with my stupid behaviour. Ffs.

Oh FFS! How childish and attention seeking!

I seriously have no clue what is happening under the surface and I don't want to ask because it will make me angry that I am yet again having to push him to communicate in the most basic of ways.

Him moving out really can't come quick enough. I feel unhinged and exhausted! Still sharing a bed. He still doesn't wear anti-perspirant, I still have to sleep in a clean bed with him stinking and snoring happily away...

What has changed for him though? He's clearly quite comfortable with my unhappiness.

It is literally making me hate him.

I don't want to hate him either. But that's how it is going.

Hang in there, offred. Not surprising you feel 'unhinged and exhausted'. Remember to look after yourself in all this - eat, watch silly TV, find time on your own if you can.

Strength to you both.

Is there any time frame for him to find another place to stay? That is such a hard place to be with the two of you still living as the happy couple. When i feel all blue about it all I remind myself that I have two choices - stay (or go back anyway) and wonder and be miserable forever, or stay away and maybe be miserable for ever! I like maybe better. You will get there soon, it is extremely inconvenient that we can't just fall madly in love with them I find. Stay strong.

He is meant to be moving "sometime this week"

I am completely with you offred. sharing a bed with your dh must be so hard. When I finally got my own bed space it made such a massive difference whereas i know my dh would have carried on sleeping at opposite sides of the bed and thought it ok. The next step of him moving out doesn't sound too far off so maybe focus on what you will do when he does, just the little things, like ordering new bed linen. Hope that doesn't sound silly but I find it helps to look at some things which can easily be dealt with and can make you a little bit happier. That plus lots of wine. My day consists of coffee, Bachs rescue remedy, coffee, chocolate, bit more Rescue remedy, more chocolate, few cigarettes (in secret as I haven't smoked in 20 years), a big gulp of rescue remedy again and then count down to wine o'clock.

Reading your posts, I now realise my DH is very passive. He saw some good friends at the w/e and I have no idea whether he said anything about our situation to them. I know he won't volunteer to talk about it and I am fed up of asking. Even my mum commented on how well he looks whereas I am a total wreck. Are they in denial, who knows (cos that would mean me having to ask, again)! In any case it sounds like many of us are in the same boat..

Makes me feel better to know it!

I feel like h has been treating me like a possession. He isn't disturbed by this situation like I am because nothing too much has changed and he isn't really motivated to change anything at all precisely because how I feel has never been particularly important to him.

I feel uncontrollably angry but I am hopefully staying out in Manchester on Friday night. Bit of respite!

Good for you. Try and get as much space as possible, and don't feel guilty for doing so (if you are, I tend to feel guilty about everything concerning this, probably because I have instigated it). Everyone deals with situations differently so just focus on keeping yourself sane and he can just deal with his way. ;-)

Yes, usefully I had a catholic upbringing and have long ago jettisoned the irrational guilt complex as a result!

No, I'm not feeling guilty. I am focusing on how the behaviour since the split just confirms that I can't live like this anymore.

I can't tell you how much it helps to know other people are in the same situation.

how's everyone getting on?

My h moved out this weekend. I think I do feel happy about it. We have told the children. It seems to be ok so far.

It is getting better I think. The inlaws visit went okay, my MiL was amazing - she was very supportive and said she understood why we don't suit each other, and in my shoes she would do the same. I was shocked tbh, as dh is "perfect", but she said she has lived with being disapproved of, feeling redundant and havin no shared interests with her dh all her life, and can see my dh sees me as FiL sees her. Quite a head fuck for me tbh, but nice to be approved of by family for a change! My DM saw her and apparently cried for an hour about how broken hearted she is, my alleged mental health, wonderful amazing poo dh, and how sad she was she won't be invited to MiL for Xmas now dh and I aren't together. Have chatted to her on email, avoiding real chat for now.

Dh and I are v civil, kids are knackered and starting to feel the hange I think - more teary/demanding - am being v nice to them!! Might be a tired/school thing, but might be the separation. They cried when inlaws left.

My friends are being amazing and I feel v blessed. V supportive, lots of texts and invites. Big dh shaped whole in my life and i do feel sad and lost, and teary, and bored and confused... but overall I think this is for the best.

How are you getting on? The first few weeks are so tough, the first night you see them happy at their dads and walk away, the telling people, the wtf do we do at half term/Xmas, finances etc. but everyone tells me it is for the best and a year in we will be so much happier. I fucking hope! (wine)

H. Poor dh, not poo.

God I can't type and I hate autocorrect. Everyone doesn't tell me it is for the best?! I believe it is the right thing though.

Hi, getting on ok. Things been very normal as far as the children are concerned. He's here every morning and evening eating tea i have cooked for everyone. I have got a bf everyone is warning me about frying pans and fires!

Have been buried under law revision but sat my exam yesterday so have a few days off before I start the next module!

Bf and I fell asleep the other night (he is friend I have had for long time, obvious we were going to get together, we were in denial cos of timing, children know him) and when he sneaked out at 6.30 one of the dc was awake queue nasty txt from xh saying about me moving out of 'his' house, but sorted it out, he's calmed down, obviously upset and jealous about bf who everyone thinks has been hanging around trying to steal me for months (not true, we just really get on well, attracted to each other and I was in a dead marriage so developed feelings for him).

Anyway, not sure how this is going to work out if he feels this house is his and I'm here by his grace but he says that is not how he really feels, was just upset about bf.