H moved out 2 months ago - at my instigation. Our relationship had totally broken down to the point where we weren't speaking at all, bar the odd row chucked in for good measure. He is a workaholic, I've spent years as a SAHM of 4 DCs being taken totally for granted. Of course he promised to change his ways but we'd been there so many times (we averaged a threatened break up roughly once every 6 months for about 8yrs, main thing that always stopped us was the children) and I just couldn't take it anymore.
Everything just seems so difficult now though. On the surface I am happier in myself - there was so much resentment that I held towards H when we lived together and that is no longer there as even when he pisses me off now, which is quite frequently, at least I don't have to clean up his mess or cook his tea! The children are struggling though, in particular our 5yo DD. she is absolutely hysterical whenever she has to say goodbye to H, he comes over a couple of times a week to see her and leaves at bedtime and it takes me ages to calm her down and it breaks my heart. The children stay at his fri-sun every other weekend and again, DD is just in pieces when it's time to come home and will resist all attempts to get her out of his house and into the car and is still screaming hysterically when she arrives home. I hate what we've done to the children.
Financially things could be worse, H is paying the mortgage and maintenance covers the bills. I am claiming tax credits but have just applied to college which will hopefully enable me to be qualified in a years time in the career I wish to have so I feel positive about this. However, we enjoyed a good standard of living when we were together and I am very aware that I will never be able to provide that for the children, I will never have H's earning power and it eats away at me that he will continue to earn more and more whilst all my future hopes and dreams will never come to fruition. I need to learn to let this go, I know, but I have spent years at one bringing up his children - his long and erratic working hours meant it was difficult for me to find work to fit in around that, especially when he never took any holiday and was unprepared to cover for me if the children were ever ill - and I feel my contribution to his successful career was not insignificant.
I have fallen out with my sister since the separation which has totally gutted me, she has now insisted on no contact between us whatsoever. My mother died when I was young and I don't really have a close relationship with my dad and even less so now as he just cannot understand why I have torn my family apart. I have very few friends, although I have one very close friend who has held me together which I am so grateful for but I feel very alone. H says this is all my fault as I push people away. Maybe he is right.
I saw the dr nearly a month ago and requested counselling. Having heard nothing since I called the surgery today only to be told he hadn't actually made the referral yet :(
On top of all that, DD now has some hideous sickness bug. I know that DS (3yo) will be next and I'm an emetophobe so thismismmy worst nightmare. I am holding it together though but it's tough and all I wanted to do last night was to text H and tell him to come back. He has said on many occasions that he would love us to get back together but I just can't. Mi don't trust him to change, even if I were sure of my feelings towards him- which I'm not - and we both know that we cannot ever put the children through this again. MSB if it didn't work out that would be it for the next 15yrs, we'd have to stay together regardless and that terrifies me as however hard inks are now, surely they will get better?
Not really sure of the point of this post, don't expect any answers, just feels better getting it all out I guess.