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Original poster

Ever ok to 'sleep' with someone of the opposite sex if you're married?

48 replies

Duvetday80 · 13/09/2013 07:55

Please help me settle an argument which I don't think there should be any question over but maybe I really am 'uptight' as dh suggests.

I mean actually sleeping in the same bed - are there any circumstances that you'd be ok with your dp/dh sharing a bed with someone of the opposite sex?

If it was a female friend that you didn't know and they hadn't voluntarily told it had happened could you forgive them if you believed they hadn't had sex?

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 13/09/2013 11:45

There are very few circumstances I can think of where I'd be happy for DH to share a bed with another woman. Probably limited to them being a family member.

And if he didn't tell me about an occasion when he had shared a bed with another woman but I found out anyway I would be beyond furious.

I don't think that I'm particularly uptight, but as someone said upthread, there is a cultural norm and intimacy associated with bedsharing.

jocastafantastica · 13/09/2013 13:36

Hmm I agree, I would be uncomfortable about it, and furious if I 'found out'. What were the surrounding circumstances btw?

Chattymummyhere · 13/09/2013 14:43

I would not be happy and I can not think of anyone this would be ok unless it was an immediate family member, sister/mum type of thing..

The fact he lied a s is using your reaction as an excuse for lying makes me think he at least wanted something to happen, I hate it when my own kids climb in my bed and interupt my cuddles with dh ( as the kids end up shoving me out of bed grrr)

My dh would minimum be in the spare room for a while till I worked out if I could accept his "story" or not

Jan45 · 13/09/2013 14:52

Doesn't matter if married or not, if you're in a long term relationship with anyone then no you should not be sleeping in a bed with anyone of the opposite sex, imo.

SlangKing · 13/09/2013 17:10

In my yoof I rented a large house with 6 other ppl. Most of our crowd still lived with parents or in student accom'. Some lived out of town. So, our house was the one everyone went to for post-pub partying. My mate's g/f shared my bed regularly - nothing ever happened and it never caused a problem. It happened in the other rooms to and if it ever created a problem I'm not aware of it. I must've slept with 15 - 20 young women, platonically, while I was there, some I knew well, a few I just met. Based on my own experiences I think either gender is readily capable of sharing a bed outside of any relationship they may be in without putting their hands on each other. For most ppl, I think 'commitment' means just that. Even before considering their partners, they don't want the angst of being unfaithful. Like FILEE, I think if ppl are gonna cheat they will anyway, and add that they're more likely to if they're being accused of something they've not done. In the OP's case I can understand not liking the deceit, but if she otherwise believes him why inflame what needn't be a huge issue. I agree that ppl should respect their partner's feelings, but if one thinks platonic bed sharing is OK and the other doesn't, whos feelings take precident? If your core values aren't compatible you need to agree to disagree or consider seperating.

fabergeegg · 13/09/2013 17:49

I think this is appalling. As if monogamous relationships aren't hard enough. No, no and no. It's never ok. What's wrong with the floor?

Good grief.

perfectstorm · 13/09/2013 18:26

Depend on who it was and what the situation was. I have friends I'd be fine with him crashing with if the alternative was the floor. I trust them both. If I didn't know the woman, then no way. It's a boundary issue rather than a trust one, and he'd be lacking them IMO, to a worrying extent.

perfectstorm · 13/09/2013 18:29

Incidentally, if my husband knew I would hate something to the point he wouldn't want me to know about it and did it anyway, and it involved a bed and another woman, then he would also be totally out of line in trying to blame me for the reaction he could have predicted.

If your spouse would hate something and it's reasonable of them to hate it, and it's no huge issue for you not to do it, then why do it? And doing it and trying to avoid their knowing is poor. Then blaming them for being angry about it plus the deceit... well, that's just shitty. Disrespectful and shitty.

cupcake78 · 13/09/2013 18:37

It depends on so much. Who the person is. What the circumstances are. Who else knew about it. How sexual you are as a person. Was drink involved. Relationship of people involved etc.

I also agree with the comment that if people are going to cheat then they will. However I personally wouldn't want to make it too easy for them!

I think it would have to be in absolute extreme circumstances eg car broke down in middle of nowhere in metres of snow at 3am and I'd expect a phone call to ask if it was ok before it happened and he'd be home ASAP.

I would not think a shared hotel room was ever really acceptable. There are always other hotels, cars to sleep in or even other male/female residence who could share a twin room.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/09/2013 18:39

Depends on the circumstances, the people and your relationship.

I would say that generally I wouldn't be too pleased, but I would definitely question why they hadn't told me.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2013 18:42

Nope, not for me, never

ModeratelyObvious · 13/09/2013 18:44

You are not uptight.

I personally would be ok with this if I was asked beforehand or told straight afterwards. But it would not be uptight of me to say I wasn't ok with it.

Why didn't he tell you?

Lizzabadger · 13/09/2013 18:48

It's not ever OK by me. Sleep on the floor, FFS.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2013 18:51

A tent. Yeah, I've shared a tent with another male and we were both in a relationships/married. Separate sleeping bags, though.

lemonstartree · 13/09/2013 20:52

Crikey I couldn't share a bed with anyone other than DP or DS3 (8) . I'm a light sleeper and would not get ANY sleep with a stranger in my bed. On holiday this summer I slept on the floor rather than share a bed with my own mother....

Original poster

Duvetday80 · 14/09/2013 00:55

Circumstances were that he went out with a group of friends in a different city, was supposed to come home but decided to stay (to come would have been expensive taxi or leaving early for train) and told me he'd crashed with one of his friends. I assumed that was the sofa of a male friend but turns out was her bed. No one else stayed there, she is not an old friend and I have only met her once.

OP posts:

kmc1111 · 14/09/2013 03:11

Can't say it would bother me. I've slept in the same bed as male and female co-workers. Hotels stuff up a booking, there's no free rooms there or anywhere else because of whatever you're there for (conference, expo, whatever), and the only choices are to share a bed or sleep on the floor or in the bath (can't recommend either, especially if you've been travelling/have jet lag and need to be sharp later on). And it's completely normal in my friendship group to just crash on whatever bed's available after a party or a night out.

jocastafantastica · 14/09/2013 09:12

Sorry OP it would hugely bother me, it just seems so unnecessary, surely he could have stayed with one of the male friends, or at least on her sofa? I would be fuming personally.

FreeWee · 14/09/2013 09:20

I shared a double bed on a hen do with my best male friend, who also happens to be gay. I did text my DH to let him know out of courtesy but having met my friend lots of times, and knowing his boyfriend, he was not in the least bit bothered. I was annoyed I was sharing a bed at all given the make up of the rooms meant I could have shared a twin with him just without an en suite but I'd pissed off the organiser by asking if she could keep the weekend to under £250 (not unreasonable in the UK!). So yes if my DH was friends with a lesbian I'd be more than happy for him to share a bed with her.

FreeWee · 14/09/2013 09:23

In your example, I'd have expected him to sleep on the couch but beds are comfier after a late night so can understand why in his drunken state he was happier to sleep there. I'd ask him to choose the couch next time but not massively bollock him for his poor judgement call this time.

Offred · 14/09/2013 09:24

Depends on the terms of your particular relationship.

If you are upset you are upset.

Talk it out, don't squash it down.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 14/09/2013 09:32

Hmm - for me it would very much depend on the circumstances (and the partner).

In this situation I would be furious. I am sure there would have been a settee he could have slept on, if not another bed. Or he could have gone home with one of the men, married couples. Surely her place wasn't his only option?

...and can I ask why you are so sure he didn't have sex with her?

YoniBottsBumgina · 14/09/2013 12:32

Yeah that does sound weird to me. I have let male friends stop over if they were too pissed to drive home, but on the couch only. I have a sofabed so not too antisocial, but even if not, a couch is more appropriate in this situation.

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